The in between

So the in between ain't fun but it's where the work happens. I'm trudging through, daily highs and lows. Writing in my journal, writing poetry. Here is tonight: I'm at a loss Disbelieving how I got here Unsure of where I'm going I took you for granted I didn't see you when you were allowing yourself to be seen What I see now is someone who's hurting and his actions don't speak to the man he is I'm in the dark Searching for your light When I should be searching for my own I said you don't think you deserve happiness It's me who yearns to feel gratitude for all my many blessings Who still feels broken after all these years Who feels I've once again lost what is given I still have it but can't see it within myself I never thought I'd come this far I never thought I'd lose so much

I step onto my yoga mat in black these days

Going through some stuff as we all do.. Moving Sept 1.. Excited but feeling lost as I realize it's been baby baby baby and my relationships with myself and Josh have been neglected. So connection needs to begin again, with me first. So many emotions, so many thoughts swirling around the best I can do is get on my mat and try to breath and try to put the words into poetry where I first expressed myself at the age of 11. So here goes: I step onto my yoga mat in black these days The color of my clothes reflects the color of the mat I gave you when our souls crossed The color of long days which turn into long nights Lonely endless This mat has become where I practice, where I let myself falter and crumble Under the weight of all the sorrow Until I step off and a blue eyed boy reminds me all is not lost I wear my black converse I wore in 8th grade They make me happy I am reminded of the girl who had spunk and passion Who wore these converse with her white lace dress to her music recital She was bold and daring and all things free When did I lose my passion When did I begin to feel less than And shifted from knowing me to Trying to shape what can’t be wrought as we are all perfect The shoe either fits as if it’s made for you or your toe bumps into the top and gets crushed I never thought I would be where I am I never thought it would be this hard I’m terrible at being ok with not being ok I step onto my yoga mat in black these days

Mama's Guilt

Last week was the first week Josh traveled since I had the baby. He was in NJ from Mon to Thurs night and it was me and Julian most days. In some ways, it wasn't that different. Josh has been going into the office more, and on those days often to aikido afterward, which means for a long day with the babe. I'd see him at the end of the day though, however brief, to check in, cuddle, talk about Julian. He'd also go into the office usually Tues Wed or Wed Thurs which meant I could get at least one yoga class in during the week. With him traveling, it meant no yoga classes. Just home practice. The first day I had to teach at noon so Josh's Mom came to watch Julian at the house. This was my first experience leaving him with someone else other than Josh or I except for when a yoga friend of mine took him for a walk at the studio while I taught. Julian started crying the moment I handed him to Josh's Mom and as I tried to explain a few things to her before I left, he just cried and cried and looked at me like "Why aren't you picking me up?" Believe me, I had to exercise some self control to not just scoop him up. I could have stayed a bit longer but left to get to the studio early and cried the whole way. I called my Mom as I knew she had been there before and could relate. I was amazed at how hard it was to leave him - it seems silly, but I was surprised at my attachment to him. I also felt mama guilt - is it bad we are so attached? Why is he crying with people he doesn't know as well when they hold him? Is it bad he prefers me over anyone else? I taught class and it felt as good for me as it did for the students. I got home, he was still kinda upset, but Josh's mom told me he slept for a bit and didn't cry constantly. I felt awful my kid was fussy with her and she simply seemed happy to have some time with him. We spent the rest of the week getting out to run errands, to visit with friends, and just try to stay cool as it was very hot and humid and Josh hadn't put in the AC before he left. We talked to Josh at the end of the day, usually at a time when Julian was fussy or getting ready for bed - between 6 and 7. I'd try to keep him up for Josh so we could face time on the Iphone and he could see him, but I felt frustrated trying to do that as much as I wanted them to have that time. Truly Josh would understand if Julian was asleep - he wouldn't expect him to be anything other than a baby on his own schedule. When I finally had an hour or so to myself when he went to bed, I was usually too tired to do much of anything but eat and get into bed, knowing he'd be up soon to eat. I felt myself getting depressed, and a bit edgy. Josh arrived home on Thursday night and instead of being happy to see him, I nit picked and nagged at him as soon as he got home. Put the AC in, take care of this, my car is making this noise, etc etc I knew I was doing it but I just couldn't seem to stop! I was stuck in a pattern, in a bad place, and instead of listening and vocalizing what I needed, I was attacking, reacting. I found myself exhausted and crying in the middle of the night as I woke up to feed Julian and Josh was sleeping beside me and I was like, what is going on? It took a few days for this to pass. More tears and processing on my own. I realized that getting to do something for myself each week, even if it's just once, without the baby, is very very important to my health and well being. I hadn't had that while Josh was away - it has been over a week with nothing of the sort for myself. I realized that even when the baby was asleep and I'd do a home practice, read, or something else for me, I'm still on in the sense I know the baby could wake up at any moment and I'd be needed. That once, twice a week I make it to a class I am able to truly let go and be with myself, and honestly not think too much about what's happening at home with the baby. Sometimes not at all! I think the tears were my realization of this need for myself, my frustration it wasn't being met, and taking it out on Josh, when there was nothing he could do about it, and not much I could either unless I wanted to get a sitter, which I knew I didn't. I wasn't vocalizing my needs assuming that no one would want to hear anyway - especially the person I am in love with and share this beautiful child with. And there was a bit of mama guilt that I shouldn't have these needs anyways - I am super mom! I am someone who doesn't feel guilty about anything anymore, after many years of feeling guilty for lots. And here I am swamped with this new guilt as a mother. I love the time I spend just Julian and I. I also love that he needs me, and at the same time, it's challenging how much he needs me. I love and cherish that I am the person he's the least fussy with and he prefers to have me take care of him, yet I feel guilty he doesn't feel that way with others yet and wonder if I am doing something wrong because of it. I love getting a class in for myself or a visit with friends and know how this supports me and makes me a better mother, yet I feel guilty for leaving him often at a time of day he needs me most - getting to bed. People ask if Josh and I have gone on a date night and I say no - mainly cause the thought of someone else watching him, especially at night, scares me. Even people I trust and love. I make the excuse that Josh and I don't need it that bad - we spend a lot of time together when he works from home, we enjoy family time, and we connect with the babe around... but I know deep down it would be nice for both of us to remember what it was like when it was just us. I've found I have to be really compassionate with myself on this one. Give myself a break. And do what I can. Am I ready to go on a date night.. maybe.. maybe not.. could I leave Julian for a couple hours in the afternoon before bedtime to go on a bike ride with Josh - yes, I think I could. Do I want to leave him crying to go teach a yoga class - no - but will I - yes because it's healing for me and he'll begin to learn others love and care for him too. Do I agonize when my kid cries when other people hold him or gets fussy - yes - is it probably cause he's tired - yes - and is he just a baby and babies cry - yup. Do I feel guilty I'm his whole world and he's mine - yes - should I - no - I carried him in my body for 10 months - I nurtured him then and I continue to nurture him from my body now as we breastfeed - I am his world and it is as it should be. It is as it should be. And I remind myself how fleeting it all is - that could be a whole other blog post! You look outside and see summer flying by, you realize how fleeting it is. Your newborn is almost a 4 month old who is rolling over and getting mobile and talking, and you realize how fleeting it is. You remember 2001 and graduating college like it was yesterday and here you are 12 years later... it is all so fleeting. The heart hurts at this notion but the heart knows it to be truth. The mind will resist and keep us from being in these fleeting moments - watching them go by instead of living them. This mamas guilt is a trap of the mind. I recognize it. I intend to move past it by living in these fleeting moments. And getting back into my meditation practice. I think my body does need some home practice when I can't make a class, but my mind needs a daily dose of meditation to keep the chatter out and keep these beautiful moments in. I feel grateful for the awareness to know what I need to do and to keep reminding myself to stay on my path and do it. Not just for me, but for Julian. My practice in so many ways is all for him.

I Love You With All of My Heart

You aren't told that being a mother is lonely. You aren't told about how this love you feel for your child brings you immense joy and sadness at the same time. It's lonely feeling both of these emotions so intensely as you watch your child grow. I truly feel only other mothers know. It's so hard to put into words but with a glance of knowing into each others eyes we understand. Dads may get it too, I don't come from a Dad's perspective, but Dad's seem so much more focused on the growth, the "look what my son/daughter did!" and Mom's more on the "i can't believe how grown my baby is" I feel this so intensely already at this early age. I have moments Julian and I are utterly united in joy over his learning and growth, and then I have those moments where we share a tender embrace, touch, as we look into each others eyes and he makes a sound or no sound at all and we hold that space and I know this is fleeting, this moment. And I tear up a bit. I tell him they are happy tears, but there is a little sadness in there too. A joyful sadness, cause as mothers we want to see our children grow and experience the world, to see the people they'll become, but we want to hold onto those fleeting moments as babes when you are each others world. My Mom sent a package for Julian this week. It's been hard on her being a grandma and living farther away so we keep in touch on face time through the Iphone. Yeah technology! I never thought much of my Mom's experience as a mother until now. She had always told me this or that, and I've always been so independent, so a lot of it would go in one ear and out the other. Sorry Mom! But she's always had a way of showing her love, and I've always thought it a bit too much at times - I still have to call to say I'm home safe when I get back to MA from a trip to PA or NY even when I am almost 33! I've always been one to feel things immensely but harder to show them. I feel the love just comes pouring out with Julian - there's not much I can do to not show it! It overwhelms me sometimes - the joy and sadness mixed together - and I try to remember to breathe. Well this week my Mom sent along a book I can read to Julian since he's enjoying books now. This book though was something she had bought for me in 1999 (yes, 13 years ago!) and had misplaced and never given to me. I think it was meant to be as this book meant something very special being given to me now. It's called "I Love You With All of My Heart" A young polar bear is told his mother loves him with all of her heart and he is curious how this is possible and goes on a journey to find out, asking all of his friends how their mothers love them. It's a beautiful beautiful story. My mother would always write inside of books she gave to me and in this one she wrote "2/14/99 Amanda, No matter where you are in life, when days are great or not so great, when you feel out of sorts and falling apart, know that I love you with all of my heart!" I get it Mom. I think I've found an understanding with you we didn't have before. I love you.

Guilty of Zoning Out

Julian will be 3 months this Friday. Time is going by so quickly! Josh was around a lot at the beginning, working from home, but now he goes into the office 2 or 3 days a week, and will be traveling again soon. It's good to know I feel fully capable of taking care of Julian while he's gone (at the beginning I was a little scared!) but I also miss the adult interaction. Julian and I have visitors or visit when people are free, but on some of the days Josh goes into the office, he'll go to aikido and catching up with friends afterward, which makes for a long day with the babe. We agreed to this before he was born - that Josh's aikido practice was important for him, and time with his friends. He wanted to get to class three days a week and I wanted to get to yoga class 3 days a week since my practice was also important. Well guess who isn't going to class 3 days a week ;) It's my choice - I often make two classes during the week and on the weekends I find myself choosing to spend time with my family (Josh and Julian) instead. It's funny - when Julian was younger I found it much easier to leave him to go to yoga or out with friends. I think this is because he wasn't interacting as much - he needed me for food yes, but hadn't really come to know me as Mom yet, and me know him as my son. 3 months later though, that bond is strong, and growing, and I find I don't want to be away from him as much. I know going to classes during the week is important for taking care of myself. I enjoy it and the community, it helps my teaching, so I make the effort to go. I need to get back to my home practice. It's suffered of late and I've noticed I've started to become guilty of zoning out now that I have these longer days with the babe. I try my best not to be guilty of zoning out with him - he's very alert so when awake we play, read books, sing, talk, etc but there are moments I throw on the TV or am glued to my Iphone and I feel bad as I don't want to miss anything with him. This is why it's good when we get out or have visitors as it keeps me more in the moment and less checking out. I think the days we don't have visitors or are visiting I'm not quite sure what to do with a 3 month old. We go for walks, we play and interact, we go to the store, run errands, and if the weather is nice, get outside, but if you've been in New England, you know the weather has been a bit rainy as of late. I find that at the end of a long day with him and trying to be present for him, I have such a hard time being present for myself. We don't have cable but we have Netflix and our new thing Hulu and you can zone out to tons of stuff on there. My latest guilty zoning out show was 16 and Pregnant on MTV and I would watch thinking I'm not supposed to be taking this seriously but it is serious - these are real people with real kids and their lives are a mess and these kids take the brunt. I think zoning out or checking out is something we're all guilty of or have been guilty of. Maybe it's TV, maybe it's not being fully present in our relationships, maybe it's eating crappy food, sitting on our butts, or just letting our mind run wild. Why do we do it? It's easier I suppose but it also makes us depressed and unhappy. It's often because we don't want to deal with what we need to deal with if we checked in and were present. In my case, it's totally sleep deprivation. When it's 8pm and he's asleep, and I have maybe an hour or so to myself I often don't have the energy to do much except cook, take care of a couple household things, and flip on the TV. It doesn't help that I have a partner who totally loves to zone out to TV. He grew up differently than me with both parents who worked and he often at home alone as he was older so he'd heat up his dinner and flip on the TV. It's relaxing to him and so not the case for me. Usually the nights he's home, he'll make dinner and we'll catch up on the day then without TV or interruptions, but the TV gets flipped on as we eat and we watch House or something more intelligent than just reality drama filled TV. We don't have a kitchen table as our apartment is small but if we did, that could certainly help with the tendency to just flip on the TV. One thing my family did when growing up was eat at the dinner table with no distractions! So I think the most I can do in my sleep deprived state is start with me. The days and nights Josh isn't here and it's me and the babe, get out of the house, stay present and find things to play with and interact with if inside, and do something for myself at night - read a book, home practice, self massage, etc Stay connected rather than just zone out. And if I do feel I really need to check out, as sometimes I think we all do, watch one crappy reality tv show, eat one slice of pizza, eat some ice cream, etc etc whatever I may need to check out. And for Josh and I, encourage us to eat dinner without the TV when we eat together, which is usually 4 nights a week, so let's shoot for one without the TV. And I could make it a night I cook! Starting small gives me the compassion I need to move forward. And on that note, I'm going to do a little self massage with some lacrosse balls, have some greek yogurt with raspberries and honey for dessert, and head up to bed to read.

Happy Hippo, Angry Duck

Julian likes it when I read to him. He has always liked me singing or talking to him, but now he's able to sit and "read" a book with me. He makes his own happy sounds as I read out loud. One of his favorite books right now is Happy Hippo, Angry Duck. This is a book one of my yoga friends gave me about moods. It says "Hello Little Person! How are you today? Is your mood quite terrific or only okay? Are you happy as a hippo? Or angry as a duck? Maybe sad as a chicken? Or you grumpy as a moose? Or excited as a dog? Worried as a rabbit? Contented as a frog? Perhaps like a pig you are sweetly amused. Or perhaps like a cow you're completely confused. You might feel that somehow you've lost all your fizz. Or you're frazzled like a um frazzled thing. I'm not sure what it is. Well, I hope you are happy. But if you are not, you have friends that will help you. We like you a lot. And a difficult mood is not here to stay. Everyone's moods will change day to day. Unless you're that duck. He's always that way." I love the wisdom in this book. The last two weeks have given us a chance to implement this wisdom. Julian had his first laugh 2 weekends ago and on that same day he also spent 2 hours crying on and off at Josh's parents house. Was it a new much bigger environment as we stepped into their house? Was it learning something new? Seeing a dog for the first time? Who knows. I only knew I had never had my boy cry this much, especially with me at the end of the day. So I nursed, I rocked, I walked him up and down Josh's parents long driveway (thank heavens cause there are no sidewalks where they are in Pembroke!) and finally he slept a bit, the fit subsided, he goes to bed and is all smiles next time he wakes. The following week I had my very first experience being sick and a mom. Worst combo ever! It was a sinus/cold thing and I didn't want to take any medication as I am breastfeeding. I did take Ibuprofen as that is safe and I needed something to help the sore throat, general eh feeling, and a low grade fever. Now before being a Mom, it sucked being sick, but I could sleep as much as I wanted when not teaching yoga. Not the case anymore. Not only am I up usually twice a night nursing the babe, I'm taking care of him during the day while Josh works. The cold hit on a Wed and I had to teach back to back classes on a Thursday night since I couldn't find a sub. I didn't complain.. much.. I realized being a Mom is something you just do, whether you are 100% or 50%. I remember that first morning waking up sick with my little guy who was slightly sick himself, but faring much better and all smiles at 6am, and I was feeling a bit resentful I couldn't crawl back to bed and then I said this little guy has no idea what I need, only what he needs right now... and he needs his mama. So I gave him a weak smile, told him mama wasn't feeling good or up for singing today, but let's try a quiet tune. And he smiled with that glint in his eye as if he understood, and it was ok with him. It just mattered I was there, 50% or 100%. And so back to this book. Happy Hippo, Angry Duck. This book tells children it's ok to just feel what they need to feel in each moment. We as adults are supposed to be the wise ones and we rarely give ourselves or others permission to be the angry duck or the grumpy moose, etc Julian is teaching me he'll take me as I am, just as long as I show up as fully as I can in that moment. And I am doing the same for him, taking him as he is, happy or grumpy and letting him show up in the moment. This will foster I hope and believe a loving supportive relationship for many years to come between he and I.

I am Mom enough

By now, most of you have probably seen and/or heard about the uproar a recent TIME magazine cover caused. It showed a woman breastfeeding her 3 year old son and the cover asked "Are You Mom Enough?" Underneath the headline it reads "Why attachment parenting drives some mothers to extremes - and how Dr. Bill Sears became their guru" Now I must admit, looking at the picture my eyes did get a little big and I did a double take not because a breast was on the cover or that a child was sucking on it - the picture caused me to question if I would do the same, breastfeed Julian when he was three. And this child on the cover was a large three year old - probably the size Julian may be since he is a big kid already. I think TIME intended to shock through their use of a bigger three year old, the fact that the kid is standing on a chair to reach his mom's breast, and their use of the words extremes and guru when talking about attachment parenting. They also did a good job of trying to create a Mommy war by asking "are you mom enough" Luckily I believe Moms are pretty united no matter what their parenting style and will stand by each other through thick and thin. The people that will argue over this cover most are the ones that have either never breastfed (men mainly) or the ones whom this photo instills a sense of fear within them. I catch myself sometimes being "that Mom" We were at the Arboretum for Mothers Day and I saw a mother giving her two younger children soda at the end of the day perhaps because it was all the vendors had left as they were sold out of lemonade, but there was still that part of me that went "soda to kids? and at 5 oclock? oh no! she shouldn't do that" I judge myself enough as a new Mom. I don't need others judging me. I certainly don't need to be judging them. We are all trying to do a good job, love our kids, raise them to be happy and independent, let them find their own unique gifts to this world. I don't subscribe to one type of parenting style. If you co sleep, cool. If you dont, cool. If you breastfeed, cool. If you don't, cool. Etc etc I am figuring out what works for me and my family. I knew I'd be committed to breastfeeding Julian to a year but had never thought past that mainly cause I knew people thought it to be "weird" and I kinda thought it a bit weird myself to be honest - before motherhood. Now I see my breastfeeding relationship with my son to be more than just a nutritional one. There's an intimacy, a connection that only he and I understand. There's times he nurses and he's in the zone - eyes closed, sighing and I know in that moment I am providing him a great comfort and not just a nutritional need. There's times he's nursing with eyes open and he's batting my boob (cause come on, it's a boob at that point when your kid is playing with it like it's a tennis ball!) kinda laughing with his eyes and smiling and I smile and laugh back. Boob as entertainment! This relationship will change as he gets older, as he starts to want to try solids and I'm sure he'll want to nurse less. I found myself anxious already thinking to that year mark because I knew Josh had indicated he supported me nursing for a year, but not after that. We argued about this one. Finally, I talked to him the other night without the emotional charge I had been bringing to the conversation and he said it's not that he thinks boom one year, no more nursing. He just said he thought that was a good time to start weaning. I felt relieved he understood it was a gradual process. I admitted I didn't know how long I'd nurse him but knew weaning would happen at some point - and wanted Julian to be a part of that decision. Being Mom enough means loving your child unconditionally. It means sacrifice. It means surrender. It means being brave. It involves all the nitty gritty details I could post in here but won't.. today. Perhaps one blog post will be that - a day in the life of a mom to a 2 month old! One of my students recently said that becoming a mother has made me more brave. And it has! I chanted to a packed room of students for the first time the other day - a little off key. I am giving up classes I adore because I feel being home with Julian for his bedtime is more important. I kept saying I must take yoga any time I am able to have a free night, weekend and instead I'm walking to get ice cream with my family, or taking a nap sometimes. My yoga practice is certainly on my mat but it's so much more off my mat these days. It's how can I be the best Mom even on those days I am dead tired and can barely muster a smile and there's this little angel smiling at me at 530am... it's how can I be the best partner when I can barely listen to what Josh is saying out of sheer exhaustion and we haven't had a moment just for us in weeks... it's how can I be the best teacher when I didn't get to take the cool workshop I wanted or I can't get to my favorite teachers class or I didn't have time to plan my music or write out my sequence... it's how I accomplish all those things that make me Mom enough. And that is by far the highest and truest form of yoga! It's something we all strive to do everyday - or those of us who are living the lives we love, loving the lives we live. And in honor of being brave, and in support of all breastfeeding mamas out there, I am going to share with you a piece of me and Julian. It's a photo I took of us breastfeeding in one of those serene moments. I honestly haven't shared this with anyone. Not even Josh. It's private. But it's a moment I'm willing to share to showcase bravery to you all - may you all be Mom enough, whether a mother or not!