I have been hearing a lot of talk lately whether on Facebook or just with friends I know in the yoga community about what does or doesn't make a good yoga teacher. Some people say creative and safe sequencing, advanced physical practice, attention to alignment are important in class. Some say a teacher who is spiritual and compassionate, and gives them a daily dose of insight. Some say just a teacher who looks hot and plays good music, a teacher you can have fun with in class.
All of this tells us that everyone's idea of a great yoga teacher is not going to be the same. We step onto the path of yoga at different places in our lives, and we walk on this path hopefully growing and changing in our practice, both physically and spiritually. I know that all of the above has spoken to me at one time or another.
Personally, I am in a place where I have done a good dose of spiritual work on my own, and with the help of some incredible teachers. I enjoy a creative sequence that challenges me and accesses new places in my body that I connect to through my breath. I don't care so much about good music (though it can help) or flow, or a teacher who is fun, but a teacher who guides me safely and is compassionate and confident in what they are teaching me. I am at a point in my practice where the teacher is truly myself. The teacher at the front of the room is not a god or goddess to me, but an inspiration. Some teachers are more inspiring to me than others, but this doesn't mean that whoever is teaching doesn't have worth in my eyes. When your practice becomes your practice, you can take with whomever and enjoy your class. You'll have your favorites but you won't judge the first time teacher who's leading you through a basic flow and probably nervous as all hell - cause I have been that teacher! You also won't judge that teacher who doesn't give you a dose of spirituality cause you got that all taken care of by yourself - you don't need someone else to make you feel inspired or happy.
The physical practice of yoga has been my connection to something deeper. The breath and challenge of more advanced postures has made me understand patterns of holding in my body, and ultimately patterns of holding within myself. I don't go in expecting this or that, but when something incredible happens, like when I was able to touch my foot to my head in pigeon the other day, the feeling was amazing. Not so much a feeling of accomplishment, but a feeling of elation, joy. Something shifted within me to make this possible. And yes, I look forward to the day I can balance in the middle of the room in handstand - cause I believe it will happen! My spiritual work is more my own now - listening, observing and being with what shows up for me in class as I breath, and I don't need a daily dose of spirituality to get there.
I think so many of us as yoga teachers eventually start to feel entitled and feel we can judge what makes a great teacher. It's all a matter of opinion. All we can do is teach authentically, with honesty. I know when a teacher gets under my skin so to speak it's something for me to look at. Why does it bother me this teacher has a larger class than mine? Why does it bother me this teacher can jump into crow and I can't? Why does it bother me this teacher is being raved about by someone and it's not me they are raving about?
I am the teacher who's continued practicing at a yoga studio after I had taught there and was told I wasn't a good fit. I am the teacher who practiced at a place I loved even though I could go for free elsewhere and eventually ended up teaching at this place. I am the teacher who has upset or had words with other teachers and then shows up to take their class. I have guts and heart. I challenge myself both physically and spiritually because I know that is the only way I am going to grow. Sometimes that challenge resides in less, sometimes it resides in more. We are here to be the human examples of change. Through this change is our potential, our purpose. So I am giving the shout out, yoga teachers UNITE. Quit your bitchin.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
We are worthy
These days when we step outside everything is changing before our eyes. Doesn't it seem like we get a ton of rain one day and then overnight we wake up to grass and flowers and everything blooming? My life has felt this energy of change lately, too. It becomes harder for me to keep up with this blog and my periods of reflection because so much is happening around me that I am a part of. Perhaps you feel this too. The sluggishness of winter is falling away, and the upbeat excitability of Spring is here. More people want to get together, more people want to make things HAPPEN. It's a great feeling. Yet it can also be fearful as well, because we are encouraged to come out of our shells, our hibernation, and many of us are more comfortable out of the mix, rather than right in it.
Just last week I came home after a long day to find a voicemail and email and Facebook messages saying "Did you see? You're in Yoga Journal!" I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I discovered through friends that I was in this month's Yoga Journal on page 24, assisting the ladies of Hello House, a substance abuse treatment center I used to teach at for yogaHOPE, www.yogahope.org, a non-profit I also worked for. YogaHOPE and Sue Jones are a huge part of where I am today. When I was on the brink of change, in the Fall of 2007, wanting to teach full time but fearful if I could do it, Sue Jones and yogaHOPE showed me the way by hiring me as their part time Volunteer Coordinator - after I took the leap and quit my full time job! I had been teaching for yogaHOPE for some time then and considered it part of my giving back what yoga had brought me, to women who weren't likely to receive it, but could so benefit from yoga. I gave up my teaching position and part time position at YH about a year ago so I could make more space to grow my teaching and practice.
After hearing about this photo in YJ, (I still haven't seen it!) I contacted Sue and asked her about it. She said "Hey, maybe it's time for you to come back? Our new Trauma Informed Mind Body Programming is incredible!" And wouldn't you know it, she had a meeting that week about this programming on a night I could attend, for current and old teachers. I went and heard all about this programming we had dreamed about that was now in place and being implemented in a pilot facility. I was all excited to see how this year had shaped yogaHOPE, and reflected on how this year had shaped me as well. When I left yogaHOPE, I had been asked to teach at South Boston Yoga, my yoga community but certainly not a place I expected to teach at, because these were all my "gurus" so to speak. I was fearful of standing amongst my gurus, and was not sure I was worthy. And here I am a year later, part of the amazing teaching community there, and my teaching and personal practice has grown leaps and bounds as a result. How wonderful to see the same changes for yogaHOPE!
To place the icing on the cake to speak, Sue texts me the next day after this meeting to let me know that one of the teachers for yogaHOPE's main fundraiser, Saluting the Spirit, cannot make it and would I teach on that day. This fundraiser has been one of the biggest yoga fundraisers in Boston for a few years now. The lineup of teachers from the Boston area is incredible. And here Sue is, asking me, if I would join! I of course said yes, but not without fear. Who am I, to be considered, a voice says. Again, to be a part of something with the people I look up to and supporting a cause that is dear to me for what it brings to the community, and for how it has shaped my life - the emotions are almost too much to try and describe. Yet it's these emotions, these experiences that make me worthy.
So here I am, standing amongst the clouds so to speak, and still feeling my feet on the ground. What I take from all of this is that change is happening to all of us all the time. It's when we fear the most, that change is truly upon us. Every time something big has happened in my life it's because I've been willing to go there - to go to that place where the critical voice inside my head says who am I, this is not possible. Yet something believes. Something says I AM. Something says YES. In many ways it's a piece of God, of the Divine - that knows purpose and possibility. It is yours just as much as it is mine. We are worthy.
Just last week I came home after a long day to find a voicemail and email and Facebook messages saying "Did you see? You're in Yoga Journal!" I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I discovered through friends that I was in this month's Yoga Journal on page 24, assisting the ladies of Hello House, a substance abuse treatment center I used to teach at for yogaHOPE, www.yogahope.org, a non-profit I also worked for. YogaHOPE and Sue Jones are a huge part of where I am today. When I was on the brink of change, in the Fall of 2007, wanting to teach full time but fearful if I could do it, Sue Jones and yogaHOPE showed me the way by hiring me as their part time Volunteer Coordinator - after I took the leap and quit my full time job! I had been teaching for yogaHOPE for some time then and considered it part of my giving back what yoga had brought me, to women who weren't likely to receive it, but could so benefit from yoga. I gave up my teaching position and part time position at YH about a year ago so I could make more space to grow my teaching and practice.
After hearing about this photo in YJ, (I still haven't seen it!) I contacted Sue and asked her about it. She said "Hey, maybe it's time for you to come back? Our new Trauma Informed Mind Body Programming is incredible!" And wouldn't you know it, she had a meeting that week about this programming on a night I could attend, for current and old teachers. I went and heard all about this programming we had dreamed about that was now in place and being implemented in a pilot facility. I was all excited to see how this year had shaped yogaHOPE, and reflected on how this year had shaped me as well. When I left yogaHOPE, I had been asked to teach at South Boston Yoga, my yoga community but certainly not a place I expected to teach at, because these were all my "gurus" so to speak. I was fearful of standing amongst my gurus, and was not sure I was worthy. And here I am a year later, part of the amazing teaching community there, and my teaching and personal practice has grown leaps and bounds as a result. How wonderful to see the same changes for yogaHOPE!
To place the icing on the cake to speak, Sue texts me the next day after this meeting to let me know that one of the teachers for yogaHOPE's main fundraiser, Saluting the Spirit, cannot make it and would I teach on that day. This fundraiser has been one of the biggest yoga fundraisers in Boston for a few years now. The lineup of teachers from the Boston area is incredible. And here Sue is, asking me, if I would join! I of course said yes, but not without fear. Who am I, to be considered, a voice says. Again, to be a part of something with the people I look up to and supporting a cause that is dear to me for what it brings to the community, and for how it has shaped my life - the emotions are almost too much to try and describe. Yet it's these emotions, these experiences that make me worthy.
So here I am, standing amongst the clouds so to speak, and still feeling my feet on the ground. What I take from all of this is that change is happening to all of us all the time. It's when we fear the most, that change is truly upon us. Every time something big has happened in my life it's because I've been willing to go there - to go to that place where the critical voice inside my head says who am I, this is not possible. Yet something believes. Something says I AM. Something says YES. In many ways it's a piece of God, of the Divine - that knows purpose and possibility. It is yours just as much as it is mine. We are worthy.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
When life hands you a pile of crap...
When life hands you a pile of crap you....? I had to deal with this question recently. Literally. I came home after a long day of teaching and luckily saw this huge pile of crap on my doorstep before I stepped in it. I was shocked and curious more than angry, and had to laugh. I told Josh about it and said I wondered what it meant (Josh is my other half, if you don't know him) and he told me maybe it was just a pile of crap. I told some of my yogi friends and they, like me, started to look for the meaning in finding a pile of crap on my doorstep. One friend said fertilization, growth, another said something about taking care of my own crap, another said perhaps it had to deal with not taking other people's crap. I wasn't sure at that moment.
A few days later I received an email from a yoga colleague indicating that I had upset them with some recent wording of an event I was doing. I was very upset when I received this email as I had not intended to upset this person at all, and had instead used them as inspiration for something I was planning. I made a mistake, even with good intentions. And all of a sudden negative voices and emotions I hadn't heard in awhile got activated BIG TIME. My monster as Sue Jones would call it, was having a field day. Will this person forgive me? I never make mistakes! But my intentions were good! I don't want to admit I'm wrong! I don't want to take responsibility! How can I make this right? How can I sweep this under the rug? I want to be liked/loved!
I didn't want to admit that I hadn't taken into consideration all the hard work this person had done to develop their workshop. I didn't want to admit that I had acted hastily because I felt under pressure to do more since I'd had a recent change in my financial situation and was feeling stressed. I didn't want to acknowledge that I hadn't done enough of my own work to get the wording of the workshop to come from my authentic voice.
The old me would have taken this pile of crap and tried to manipulate it or throw it back into the faces of those I suspected had dealt it. I would blame and not accept responsibility. The old me would not have looked at this as an opportunity for growth and instead looked at it as another mistake I'd made and I'd make sure I felt guilty and ashamed about it. I would have cleaned this pile of crap up, but messily.
Instead I cleaned up this literal pile of crap with not too much complaint or frowning (ok, just a little - it did stink!) I emailed the person I had upset and apologized, accepting responsibility and chose to grow from the situation, and hold my head up high. So I ask you, what do you do when life hands you a pile of crap?
A few days later I received an email from a yoga colleague indicating that I had upset them with some recent wording of an event I was doing. I was very upset when I received this email as I had not intended to upset this person at all, and had instead used them as inspiration for something I was planning. I made a mistake, even with good intentions. And all of a sudden negative voices and emotions I hadn't heard in awhile got activated BIG TIME. My monster as Sue Jones would call it, was having a field day. Will this person forgive me? I never make mistakes! But my intentions were good! I don't want to admit I'm wrong! I don't want to take responsibility! How can I make this right? How can I sweep this under the rug? I want to be liked/loved!
I didn't want to admit that I hadn't taken into consideration all the hard work this person had done to develop their workshop. I didn't want to admit that I had acted hastily because I felt under pressure to do more since I'd had a recent change in my financial situation and was feeling stressed. I didn't want to acknowledge that I hadn't done enough of my own work to get the wording of the workshop to come from my authentic voice.
The old me would have taken this pile of crap and tried to manipulate it or throw it back into the faces of those I suspected had dealt it. I would blame and not accept responsibility. The old me would not have looked at this as an opportunity for growth and instead looked at it as another mistake I'd made and I'd make sure I felt guilty and ashamed about it. I would have cleaned this pile of crap up, but messily.
Instead I cleaned up this literal pile of crap with not too much complaint or frowning (ok, just a little - it did stink!) I emailed the person I had upset and apologized, accepting responsibility and chose to grow from the situation, and hold my head up high. So I ask you, what do you do when life hands you a pile of crap?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Belonging
This past weekend was the graduation of the 2010-2011 South Boston Yoga teacher trainees. It was a weekend of joy, of celebration, and sadness over the end of what was an amazing 7 months. I was more excited than sad because I had seen the unveiling of these 50 or so individuals over the course of these 7 months. They learned to choose freedom first, and with that they will shine wherever they go. I also knew that because of this time we spent together, they belonged to me, and I belonged to them. I witnessed their process and for that I am forever grateful because it changed me as well. The time we spent together formed a connection, and I truly believe we will feel like we've come home, like we belong, whenever we see each other again.
All of that being said, I think it's easy to lose this sense of belonging as years past, as our lives change, and we start to forget and feel lost. We question whether we are where we are supposed to be, perhaps with the person we are supposed to be with, or doing the job we're supposed to be doing. We forget that until we feel we have a place where we are, we will not have a place anywhere. Until we feel we belong where we are, we will not belong anywhere.
So much time is spent resisting where we are, looking forward or looking back, wanting and desiring more. I am not saying that if you're in a suck your spirit dry job or loveless relationship that that is where you belong, but in a sense, if you are there, you need to take a closer look before you can move forward. You need to understand what part of you feels it belongs there and often when you take a look, you realize that part of you isn't working anymore, and then you can move on.
When I moved to MA, I moved here for a boy. I was dating someone in college, we graduated, and he and his family lived here. I decided to come even though I had doubts. It was where I belonged. The relationship ended soon after moving here and I was left with no car, no apt, very little money, and no friends. Where did I belong now? I thought about packing it all in and moving back to NY to live with my parents and in a town I did not want to be in. I knew that was not what I wanted and I knew that was not where I belonged. I got into therapy, I got a car, learned to drive stick, got an apt with roommates, and got into yoga. I found peace within myself and belonging there.
It feels like it's not an easy task to belong because we put up walls as to why we can't connect with this person, or do this job, or live in this place, etc etc If there were no walls, it would be easy to belong anywhere, because you are at home with YOURSELF. If we keep running away, we won't belong whether we are single, married or divorced, in our dream job or a job we loathe, living in sunny California or snowy Boston. Belong where you are before you can belong anywhere.
All of that being said, I think it's easy to lose this sense of belonging as years past, as our lives change, and we start to forget and feel lost. We question whether we are where we are supposed to be, perhaps with the person we are supposed to be with, or doing the job we're supposed to be doing. We forget that until we feel we have a place where we are, we will not have a place anywhere. Until we feel we belong where we are, we will not belong anywhere.
So much time is spent resisting where we are, looking forward or looking back, wanting and desiring more. I am not saying that if you're in a suck your spirit dry job or loveless relationship that that is where you belong, but in a sense, if you are there, you need to take a closer look before you can move forward. You need to understand what part of you feels it belongs there and often when you take a look, you realize that part of you isn't working anymore, and then you can move on.
When I moved to MA, I moved here for a boy. I was dating someone in college, we graduated, and he and his family lived here. I decided to come even though I had doubts. It was where I belonged. The relationship ended soon after moving here and I was left with no car, no apt, very little money, and no friends. Where did I belong now? I thought about packing it all in and moving back to NY to live with my parents and in a town I did not want to be in. I knew that was not what I wanted and I knew that was not where I belonged. I got into therapy, I got a car, learned to drive stick, got an apt with roommates, and got into yoga. I found peace within myself and belonging there.
It feels like it's not an easy task to belong because we put up walls as to why we can't connect with this person, or do this job, or live in this place, etc etc If there were no walls, it would be easy to belong anywhere, because you are at home with YOURSELF. If we keep running away, we won't belong whether we are single, married or divorced, in our dream job or a job we loathe, living in sunny California or snowy Boston. Belong where you are before you can belong anywhere.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Ripple Effect
Ah... sunshine, warm breezes, t-shirts and open windows. It's happening. Can you feel it? Spring is a time to put out the trash so to speak and welcome in the new. It's ironic that we make resolutions and set intentions in January when most of us just want to hibernate. Our energy usually isn't about creating anything new, but just surviving. Spring is often the time of new relationships, the whole love is in the air effect. And sometimes spring is the end of old ones as we feel that energy to get rid of what's not working. A spring clean.
I was sitting outside this past week on a Thursday afternoon. This is a busy day for me, as I teach 4 classes. I get a break in the middle of the day and while I used to drive back home to the studio after my noon class for lunch, I often hang around. A friend treated me to lunch, a nice surprise, and then I took a drive looking for a park. I ended up parking in Dedham town center and walking along the river. I found a somewhat quiet spot - quiet enough. It was just me there. I closed my eyes, took in the sunshine for a bit, listened to chatter of kids nearby walking home from school, birds chirping. I decided to throw some rocks into the water, and began to watch the ripples move in the water. It was interesting to see how the rock made a splash upon impact in the water but it was the ripple that continued on indefinitely - until I couldn't tell if it was there or not anymore as much as I tried to follow it with my eyes. And nature once again became my teacher.
Our thoughts and actions are like that initial stone. We simply think a thought, maybe speak a thought, and it has an effect on our energy, those we come in contact with. The same goes for our actions. This ripple carries on indefinitely, so that our initial thought or action is affecting dozens, hundreds, thousands... we have no idea if there is a limit or where it would be. Imagine if you made this a positive thought or action. Imagine if it was a negative thought or action. It's very easy to get caught up in our own lives, our own drama, our own bubbles and not consider this ripple effect. All you need to do is drop a stone into the water to be reminded of how powerful and influential a being you are.
I was sitting outside this past week on a Thursday afternoon. This is a busy day for me, as I teach 4 classes. I get a break in the middle of the day and while I used to drive back home to the studio after my noon class for lunch, I often hang around. A friend treated me to lunch, a nice surprise, and then I took a drive looking for a park. I ended up parking in Dedham town center and walking along the river. I found a somewhat quiet spot - quiet enough. It was just me there. I closed my eyes, took in the sunshine for a bit, listened to chatter of kids nearby walking home from school, birds chirping. I decided to throw some rocks into the water, and began to watch the ripples move in the water. It was interesting to see how the rock made a splash upon impact in the water but it was the ripple that continued on indefinitely - until I couldn't tell if it was there or not anymore as much as I tried to follow it with my eyes. And nature once again became my teacher.
Our thoughts and actions are like that initial stone. We simply think a thought, maybe speak a thought, and it has an effect on our energy, those we come in contact with. The same goes for our actions. This ripple carries on indefinitely, so that our initial thought or action is affecting dozens, hundreds, thousands... we have no idea if there is a limit or where it would be. Imagine if you made this a positive thought or action. Imagine if it was a negative thought or action. It's very easy to get caught up in our own lives, our own drama, our own bubbles and not consider this ripple effect. All you need to do is drop a stone into the water to be reminded of how powerful and influential a being you are.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Detox with Stillness
It's March and finally we can see the grounds and sidewalks again. It's a muddy, dirty and often hilarious mess. I've found not only the Christmas tree we placed out before one of our many storms between Dec. 26 and early Feb, but a hairdryer and small fan in our melted snowbank. I look at this mess and I think DETOX. Yard needs to be picked up, branches cleared, sidewalks cleaned and soon we will see green grass growing, flowers and trees blooming, people walking about. This detox applies to us as well. During the winter we hibernate, we plant seeds for our spring growth and hopefully do some internal work for what is to bloom. Sometimes more often than not, we're eating heavy foods, being lazy and watching episode after episode of Grey's Anatomy on our couch - myself included.
One thing I made a routine this winter, in addition to keeping up with my yoga practice, was a meditation practice. I started taking class once or twice a week at South Boston Yoga and attempted to add in some time during the week at home. I began this because I found during my meditation class when I sat for 30 to 45 min that my mind was going in all kinds of directions. It made me realize that if it was doing this while I was still, it must also be doing it while I was moving around, even during my yoga practice, and that I was never truly PRESENT. This was scary to me, in the sense I didn't want to live my life that way. I wanted to fully show up for my students, my friends, my boyfriend, my family, etc.
There was a great article on Elephant Journal recently http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/03/why-yogis-dont-meditate/ which talked about why yogis don't have a regular meditation practice. I admit I was one of these yogis. The only times I've been able to commit to a regular practice is with a teacher - first years ago with a Buddhist monk at the Concord Buddhist Center and now at South Boston Yoga. I kept telling myself before my regular practice that I didn't need to sit to meditate - I'd meditate while practicing, teaching, doing the dishes, etc. Some of this was true. I have found that teaching is one of the places I am truly in the moment - most days :) But within my yoga practice it depended on the teacher. If I was with a teacher who encouraged rest and doing what worked for me, I could get out of my head. If I was a teacher who was tougher, more vigorous, I became competitive. And in my daily life, I was a horrible listener with friends and family, often stuck in my head, zoning out.
It's a practice, but I find I am able to listen better, to look people in the eye, to HEAR them and to notice when I am not. I am able to be there for my students more, and for myself in my own practice. I take challenging classes and teachers and modify, rest as I need to. I am not fully present all the time, but I am calmer, able to be ok with stillness and not just filling space with endless chatter. I am even considering a 10 day silent meditation this June. http://www.dhara.dhamma.org/ns/ My meditation teacher recommended it to me recently and my first reaction was completely from my head "what? me? are you sure?" I was in total fear. He reassured me and then I thought more about it, and said, why not? What better way to detox than to be with myself in the most intimate format? I was telling one of my students about it and he said "Heck no! I'd go crazy." I'm not saying this type of retreat would be right for everyone - some people need to talk it out. For many of us though, we've talked it out until we are blue in the face and sometimes we still play out old patterns or are still unhappy. If you think you'd go crazy, more reason to do it, right? That's how I see it. My meditation teacher said it would take my teaching to the next level, as well as my relationship with myself and others, and I have no doubt he's right. Deep down, it feels like just what I need over any kind of yoga workshop or teacher training. Don't get me wrong - I love to study with my favorite yoga teachers and new ones and learn new ways to approach my practice, but I don't feel it will give me right now the kind of transformation I am seeking.
Meditation has been the detox I have needed. Detoxing with stillness has led to more insight into the nature of my mind - the restrictions and holds I place on myself and others based on fear, where my mind likes to roam to escape (fantasy, daydreams about future) and it's shown me in terms of my body how things work or don't work. It's also give me a great gift - stillness, nothing, emptiness. I have felt it here and there in my meditation practice and it's incredible to know that exists for me, that I can rest in it and feel love and joy, instead of fear. I make healthier choices all around. My Meditation practice won't take me out of this world, as I've heard many anti-meditation folks speak about, but it will allow me to live more fully in it.
One thing I made a routine this winter, in addition to keeping up with my yoga practice, was a meditation practice. I started taking class once or twice a week at South Boston Yoga and attempted to add in some time during the week at home. I began this because I found during my meditation class when I sat for 30 to 45 min that my mind was going in all kinds of directions. It made me realize that if it was doing this while I was still, it must also be doing it while I was moving around, even during my yoga practice, and that I was never truly PRESENT. This was scary to me, in the sense I didn't want to live my life that way. I wanted to fully show up for my students, my friends, my boyfriend, my family, etc.
There was a great article on Elephant Journal recently http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/03/why-yogis-dont-meditate/ which talked about why yogis don't have a regular meditation practice. I admit I was one of these yogis. The only times I've been able to commit to a regular practice is with a teacher - first years ago with a Buddhist monk at the Concord Buddhist Center and now at South Boston Yoga. I kept telling myself before my regular practice that I didn't need to sit to meditate - I'd meditate while practicing, teaching, doing the dishes, etc. Some of this was true. I have found that teaching is one of the places I am truly in the moment - most days :) But within my yoga practice it depended on the teacher. If I was with a teacher who encouraged rest and doing what worked for me, I could get out of my head. If I was a teacher who was tougher, more vigorous, I became competitive. And in my daily life, I was a horrible listener with friends and family, often stuck in my head, zoning out.
It's a practice, but I find I am able to listen better, to look people in the eye, to HEAR them and to notice when I am not. I am able to be there for my students more, and for myself in my own practice. I take challenging classes and teachers and modify, rest as I need to. I am not fully present all the time, but I am calmer, able to be ok with stillness and not just filling space with endless chatter. I am even considering a 10 day silent meditation this June. http://www.dhara.dhamma.org/ns/ My meditation teacher recommended it to me recently and my first reaction was completely from my head "what? me? are you sure?" I was in total fear. He reassured me and then I thought more about it, and said, why not? What better way to detox than to be with myself in the most intimate format? I was telling one of my students about it and he said "Heck no! I'd go crazy." I'm not saying this type of retreat would be right for everyone - some people need to talk it out. For many of us though, we've talked it out until we are blue in the face and sometimes we still play out old patterns or are still unhappy. If you think you'd go crazy, more reason to do it, right? That's how I see it. My meditation teacher said it would take my teaching to the next level, as well as my relationship with myself and others, and I have no doubt he's right. Deep down, it feels like just what I need over any kind of yoga workshop or teacher training. Don't get me wrong - I love to study with my favorite yoga teachers and new ones and learn new ways to approach my practice, but I don't feel it will give me right now the kind of transformation I am seeking.
Meditation has been the detox I have needed. Detoxing with stillness has led to more insight into the nature of my mind - the restrictions and holds I place on myself and others based on fear, where my mind likes to roam to escape (fantasy, daydreams about future) and it's shown me in terms of my body how things work or don't work. It's also give me a great gift - stillness, nothing, emptiness. I have felt it here and there in my meditation practice and it's incredible to know that exists for me, that I can rest in it and feel love and joy, instead of fear. I make healthier choices all around. My Meditation practice won't take me out of this world, as I've heard many anti-meditation folks speak about, but it will allow me to live more fully in it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Recognizing my mind, choosing my words
I have been trying to start a regular meditation practice this year. So far it has mainly been a class or two a week at South Boston Yoga where I sit for 30 to 45 min and on a good day actually feel myself slipping in so to speak to basically nothing - and nothing feels real spacious! Often though it's watching my mind and seeing how it gets pulled in one direction so easily and then I'm on a downward spiral. Thinking about what I want for breakfast, and that leading to the pancakes I had at my favorite diner, and then how that diner has a restaurant that serves dinner and how I should really try that sometime, and so on and so on. Exhausting! I believe that being aware of all the doings of my mind is a good first step. I also admit it's kinda fun to indulge my mind when I feel like it and day dream, fantasize, go off on these tangents. All of that though leads to suffering because attachment develops and a fantasy is just that - a fantasy. It has nothing to do with reality, what's happening right now. I've noticed that I like to fantasize, I like to day dream. This is something I've done since I was a kid. As a kid I was doing it mainly because the life I was in I wasn't too happy with. I had parents who at that time fought constantly. My house was not a fun place to be so I'd pour myself into books and go day dream of what my life would be like someday. I'm lucky enough now to be living a life I love. I get to practice and teach yoga, and surround myself with people who are loving and supportive. I have the relationship with my boyfriend I've always dreamed about but never thought I could have. My mind will tell me that my life is not enough some days, that I need more, or worse that it's going to fail. And what my mind comes up with a lot lately is that I am not connecting outside of my teaching and yoga community. I've been watching this pattern and what I notice is it happens when I am feeling fearful, when I am caught up in my story of how I think I should be, or what a relationship should look like. It doesn't happen when I am just in the moment enjoying whatever that may hold. My lack of connection in those moments when I am caught in my head comes from being disconnected myself, from anything that I already have. Isn't that crazy? Here I am feeling disconnected, talking about disconnection and it's all happening while I am not even involved in the present moment, just following a fear and story in my head. One of my biggest problems has always been when my mind is running rampant to want to blame someone else for it. To want someone else to say something, to do something to fix it. It doesn't work that way. I am learning to speak up in the moment if something is disagreeable in a non-confrontational way rather than shove it down, and let my mind have a field day with it until I blow. If I come home and Josh is playing video games and I want to unwind with him and do something else, say "hey babe, mind if I put on some music? It's been a long day. or hey babe, wanna watch some grey's?" instead of "have you been playing video games all day? why is it so loud?" etc etc I'm at a place where I am very aware of the patterns of my mind, and where it goes when I am afraid, insecure, etc I am still working on being able to choose my words in those moments, to speak with honesty, truth and from my heart. I think the more I can try to do this, the downward spiral won't happen so much, and those moments I am feeling disconnected, will go to being connected instantly when I honor my truth.
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