Belonging

This past weekend was the graduation of the 2010-2011 South Boston Yoga teacher trainees. It was a weekend of joy, of celebration, and sadness over the end of what was an amazing 7 months. I was more excited than sad because I had seen the unveiling of these 50 or so individuals over the course of these 7 months. They learned to choose freedom first, and with that they will shine wherever they go. I also knew that because of this time we spent together, they belonged to me, and I belonged to them. I witnessed their process and for that I am forever grateful because it changed me as well. The time we spent together formed a connection, and I truly believe we will feel like we've come home, like we belong, whenever we see each other again.

All of that being said, I think it's easy to lose this sense of belonging as years past, as our lives change, and we start to forget and feel lost. We question whether we are where we are supposed to be, perhaps with the person we are supposed to be with, or doing the job we're supposed to be doing. We forget that until we feel we have a place where we are, we will not have a place anywhere. Until we feel we belong where we are, we will not belong anywhere.

So much time is spent resisting where we are, looking forward or looking back, wanting and desiring more. I am not saying that if you're in a suck your spirit dry job or loveless relationship that that is where you belong, but in a sense, if you are there, you need to take a closer look before you can move forward. You need to understand what part of you feels it belongs there and often when you take a look, you realize that part of you isn't working anymore, and then you can move on.

When I moved to MA, I moved here for a boy. I was dating someone in college, we graduated, and he and his family lived here. I decided to come even though I had doubts. It was where I belonged. The relationship ended soon after moving here and I was left with no car, no apt, very little money, and no friends. Where did I belong now? I thought about packing it all in and moving back to NY to live with my parents and in a town I did not want to be in. I knew that was not what I wanted and I knew that was not where I belonged. I got into therapy, I got a car, learned to drive stick, got an apt with roommates, and got into yoga. I found peace within myself and belonging there.

It feels like it's not an easy task to belong because we put up walls as to why we can't connect with this person, or do this job, or live in this place, etc etc If there were no walls, it would be easy to belong anywhere, because you are at home with YOURSELF. If we keep running away, we won't belong whether we are single, married or divorced, in our dream job or a job we loathe, living in sunny California or snowy Boston. Belong where you are before you can belong anywhere.

Ripple Effect

Ah... sunshine, warm breezes, t-shirts and open windows. It's happening. Can you feel it? Spring is a time to put out the trash so to speak and welcome in the new. It's ironic that we make resolutions and set intentions in January when most of us just want to hibernate. Our energy usually isn't about creating anything new, but just surviving. Spring is often the time of new relationships, the whole love is in the air effect. And sometimes spring is the end of old ones as we feel that energy to get rid of what's not working. A spring clean.

I was sitting outside this past week on a Thursday afternoon. This is a busy day for me, as I teach 4 classes. I get a break in the middle of the day and while I used to drive back home to the studio after my noon class for lunch, I often hang around. A friend treated me to lunch, a nice surprise, and then I took a drive looking for a park. I ended up parking in Dedham town center and walking along the river. I found a somewhat quiet spot - quiet enough. It was just me there. I closed my eyes, took in the sunshine for a bit, listened to chatter of kids nearby walking home from school, birds chirping. I decided to throw some rocks into the water, and began to watch the ripples move in the water. It was interesting to see how the rock made a splash upon impact in the water but it was the ripple that continued on indefinitely - until I couldn't tell if it was there or not anymore as much as I tried to follow it with my eyes. And nature once again became my teacher.

Our thoughts and actions are like that initial stone. We simply think a thought, maybe speak a thought, and it has an effect on our energy, those we come in contact with. The same goes for our actions. This ripple carries on indefinitely, so that our initial thought or action is affecting dozens, hundreds, thousands... we have no idea if there is a limit or where it would be. Imagine if you made this a positive thought or action. Imagine if it was a negative thought or action. It's very easy to get caught up in our own lives, our own drama, our own bubbles and not consider this ripple effect. All you need to do is drop a stone into the water to be reminded of how powerful and influential a being you are.

Detox with Stillness

It's March and finally we can see the grounds and sidewalks again. It's a muddy, dirty and often hilarious mess. I've found not only the Christmas tree we placed out before one of our many storms between Dec. 26 and early Feb, but a hairdryer and small fan in our melted snowbank. I look at this mess and I think DETOX. Yard needs to be picked up, branches cleared, sidewalks cleaned and soon we will see green grass growing, flowers and trees blooming, people walking about. This detox applies to us as well. During the winter we hibernate, we plant seeds for our spring growth and hopefully do some internal work for what is to bloom. Sometimes more often than not, we're eating heavy foods, being lazy and watching episode after episode of Grey's Anatomy on our couch - myself included.

One thing I made a routine this winter, in addition to keeping up with my yoga practice, was a meditation practice. I started taking class once or twice a week at South Boston Yoga and attempted to add in some time during the week at home. I began this because I found during my meditation class when I sat for 30 to 45 min that my mind was going in all kinds of directions. It made me realize that if it was doing this while I was still, it must also be doing it while I was moving around, even during my yoga practice, and that I was never truly PRESENT. This was scary to me, in the sense I didn't want to live my life that way. I wanted to fully show up for my students, my friends, my boyfriend, my family, etc.

There was a great article on Elephant Journal recently http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/03/why-yogis-dont-meditate/ which talked about why yogis don't have a regular meditation practice. I admit I was one of these yogis. The only times I've been able to commit to a regular practice is with a teacher - first years ago with a Buddhist monk at the Concord Buddhist Center and now at South Boston Yoga. I kept telling myself before my regular practice that I didn't need to sit to meditate - I'd meditate while practicing, teaching, doing the dishes, etc. Some of this was true. I have found that teaching is one of the places I am truly in the moment - most days :) But within my yoga practice it depended on the teacher. If I was with a teacher who encouraged rest and doing what worked for me, I could get out of my head. If I was a teacher who was tougher, more vigorous, I became competitive. And in my daily life, I was a horrible listener with friends and family, often stuck in my head, zoning out.

It's a practice, but I find I am able to listen better, to look people in the eye, to HEAR them and to notice when I am not. I am able to be there for my students more, and for myself in my own practice. I take challenging classes and teachers and modify, rest as I need to. I am not fully present all the time, but I am calmer, able to be ok with stillness and not just filling space with endless chatter. I am even considering a 10 day silent meditation this June. http://www.dhara.dhamma.org/ns/ My meditation teacher recommended it to me recently and my first reaction was completely from my head "what? me? are you sure?" I was in total fear. He reassured me and then I thought more about it, and said, why not? What better way to detox than to be with myself in the most intimate format? I was telling one of my students about it and he said "Heck no! I'd go crazy." I'm not saying this type of retreat would be right for everyone - some people need to talk it out. For many of us though, we've talked it out until we are blue in the face and sometimes we still play out old patterns or are still unhappy. If you think you'd go crazy, more reason to do it, right? That's how I see it. My meditation teacher said it would take my teaching to the next level, as well as my relationship with myself and others, and I have no doubt he's right. Deep down, it feels like just what I need over any kind of yoga workshop or teacher training. Don't get me wrong - I love to study with my favorite yoga teachers and new ones and learn new ways to approach my practice, but I don't feel it will give me right now the kind of transformation I am seeking.

Meditation has been the detox I have needed. Detoxing with stillness has led to more insight into the nature of my mind - the restrictions and holds I place on myself and others based on fear, where my mind likes to roam to escape (fantasy, daydreams about future) and it's shown me in terms of my body how things work or don't work. It's also give me a great gift - stillness, nothing, emptiness. I have felt it here and there in my meditation practice and it's incredible to know that exists for me, that I can rest in it and feel love and joy, instead of fear. I make healthier choices all around. My Meditation practice won't take me out of this world, as I've heard many anti-meditation folks speak about, but it will allow me to live more fully in it.

Recognizing my mind, choosing my words

I have been trying to start a regular meditation practice this year. So far it has mainly been a class or two a week at South Boston Yoga where I sit for 30 to 45 min and on a good day actually feel myself slipping in so to speak to basically nothing - and nothing feels real spacious! Often though it's watching my mind and seeing how it gets pulled in one direction so easily and then I'm on a downward spiral. Thinking about what I want for breakfast, and that leading to the pancakes I had at my favorite diner, and then how that diner has a restaurant that serves dinner and how I should really try that sometime, and so on and so on. Exhausting! I believe that being aware of all the doings of my mind is a good first step. I also admit it's kinda fun to indulge my mind when I feel like it and day dream, fantasize, go off on these tangents. All of that though leads to suffering because attachment develops and a fantasy is just that - a fantasy. It has nothing to do with reality, what's happening right now. I've noticed that I like to fantasize, I like to day dream. This is something I've done since I was a kid. As a kid I was doing it mainly because the life I was in I wasn't too happy with. I had parents who at that time fought constantly. My house was not a fun place to be so I'd pour myself into books and go day dream of what my life would be like someday. I'm lucky enough now to be living a life I love. I get to practice and teach yoga, and surround myself with people who are loving and supportive. I have the relationship with my boyfriend I've always dreamed about but never thought I could have. My mind will tell me that my life is not enough some days, that I need more, or worse that it's going to fail. And what my mind comes up with a lot lately is that I am not connecting outside of my teaching and yoga community. I've been watching this pattern and what I notice is it happens when I am feeling fearful, when I am caught up in my story of how I think I should be, or what a relationship should look like. It doesn't happen when I am just in the moment enjoying whatever that may hold. My lack of connection in those moments when I am caught in my head comes from being disconnected myself, from anything that I already have. Isn't that crazy? Here I am feeling disconnected, talking about disconnection and it's all happening while I am not even involved in the present moment, just following a fear and story in my head. One of my biggest problems has always been when my mind is running rampant to want to blame someone else for it. To want someone else to say something, to do something to fix it. It doesn't work that way. I am learning to speak up in the moment if something is disagreeable in a non-confrontational way rather than shove it down, and let my mind have a field day with it until I blow. If I come home and Josh is playing video games and I want to unwind with him and do something else, say "hey babe, mind if I put on some music? It's been a long day. or hey babe, wanna watch some grey's?" instead of "have you been playing video games all day? why is it so loud?" etc etc I'm at a place where I am very aware of the patterns of my mind, and where it goes when I am afraid, insecure, etc I am still working on being able to choose my words in those moments, to speak with honesty, truth and from my heart. I think the more I can try to do this, the downward spiral won't happen so much, and those moments I am feeling disconnected, will go to being connected instantly when I honor my truth.

Intention high, Expectation Low

I taught an arm balance workshop this past Sunday and talked about the difference between intention and expectation before class. I think this is something that we confuse all the time, and it leads to a feeling of disappointment and sense of failure in our practice, and our lives. I thought this lesson was a good one to discuss before arm balancing because so many of us look at success in terms of getting the full posture - our crow, side crow, scissors, flying pigeon, etc We do not look at the important steps required to get into the full posture and feel a sense of accomplishment at working with those steps. I believe this is also how many of us approach our lives. We are hard on ourselves and others to do a certain thing, or attain something in our work lives or relationships. We become disappointed when we do not complete the task or the other person does not, and we feel like a failure or call them a failure. This is because with expectation comes attachment. When we expect something of ourselves or others, we are attached to an outcome. It is an outcome we've already planned out in our minds. This outcome is something that is in our minds, devoid of the present situation we are in, our present state. We leave no room for possibility. For example, you expect the man or woman of your dreams to be this height, have this job, like these things, etc etc You create what is truly a fantasy in your mind and then when the person walks in who is loving you for you, you can't see them because you're caught up with your imaginary person. And then possibility, a moment, is lost. Pretty sad, huh? So here is how intention works. With intention, we do not have an attachment to a desired outcome or result. We are open to possibility, to what form our intention may take. It means connecting to what you desire or want, and then letting it go. It involves trusting that the universe will bring to you what is for your highest good without you having to search hell and high water to find it, to create it. It takes the control out of our hands and allows us to simply be. We don't like this feeling because it causes us to wonder what our purpose is if we are not controlling and creating in our minds exactly how we want things to be. Imagine how much more space for creativity, for expression for POSSIBILITY would exist if you were not holding on so tight to expectation and attachment! Your life would be filled with freedom, with excitement, with joy. Intend the kind of person you want to be, intend the work you want to do, the relationships you want to have - let it come from your heart and not any preconceived notions of who you think you should be or who someone else tells you you should be. Let YOU define YOU. That is what intention is all about, and which expectation has no business being a part of.

The Weary Kind

It's the evening before another foot to 2 feet of snow and wintry mix fall on the Boston area. I am getting weary. I think it's snowed every week like clockwork since Christmas. And we're not talking storms that bring a dusting... we're talking storms that bring inches or feet. This began as the first winter in a long time that I've been feeling good about, excited about. I couldn't wait for it to snow. And now, well enough is enough! It's cozy and nurturing and all kinds of yummy goodness when you can stay in. When you have to drive in it, when you have no place to put the snow - the fun begins to end. The weary feeling starts to set in. Weariness at just hearing about another storm without even having to shovel yet.

I was feeling this as I went to yoga this AM to take class. I was running late and looking for parking in Southie on Foundry St. Many of the available parking spaces are covered in snow or ice since many folks don't move their cars and they just don't plow very well there. I found a space and knew as I pulled into it I was on ice. Tried to back out and spun my wheels smelling burning rubber for a few moments. I decided to let it be and head in to take class and then teach afterward. What could I do at that moment by keeping those wheels spinning except create more suffering for myself? I came out early afternoon and couldn't move my car - still stuck. I walked to the apartment building near there and asked for help. A young guy came out and threw some ice melt down, and moved my car out of the spot for me. I went to the store on my way home, got some ice melt, and threw it in my car. Lesson learned and so grateful for the kindness of strangers!

Winter really seems to bring our community together. People are often helpful because we're all in this together. That's a nice feeling isn't it? Community reminds me of the importance of asking for help. It's easy to do that with our loved ones, and other community of people (friends, work etc) that we trust and see all the time. It's harder to do with our larger community, the Boston community, the MA Community, the USA community, the World community. We forget our humanity. I'm just so happy it all exists. I am not alone. And I don't feel so weary anymore.

Your hearts on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing lose
And this aint no place for the weary kind

You called all your shots
Shooting 8 ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this dont feel like home anymore

And this aint no place for the weary kind
And this aint no place to lose your mind
And this aint no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try

Your body aches
Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same

Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesnt forget
the highway that calls for your heart inside

And this aint no place for the weary kind
And this aint no place to lose your mind
And this aint no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try

Your lovers wont kiss
Its too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world

Your hearts on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing lose
And this aint no place for the weary kind
- Ryan Bingham from Crazy Heart Soundtrack

A Year of Firsts

We are almost a month into 2011 and I am amazed at how positive and upbeat I am feeling about this year already. I went into the new year deciding to support my highest good, and within each moment, listening to what I needed or wanted. This is something I've always convinced myself I'm good at because I am such an intuitive person, but being intuitive doesn't mean you necessarily listen to what your intuition tells you :) That was my AH HA moment. I've realized I've been much more comfortable just going along with the flow, and often not speaking up when I needed to or should - and even when I knew what I needed at that moment.

So I started the new year out with yoga. I breathed, I sweat, I meditated, I chanted.... I celebrated community and the joy of being in this body, in this human experience, with about 100 other folks. It was amazing, and cultivated positive energy that has supported me thus far. It was a first for me. The first time I did not ring in the new year drunk. The first time I said what I was going to do without waiting to see what others had planned. The first time I didn't do the traditional new years kiss with my boyfriend. The first time I chose to spend new years without him. Leading up to this empowering choice of mine, I was freaking out. I was agonizing over choosing something I wanted and wondering what others thought of me. And you know what? The world didn't end, my boyfriend and my friends were still there the next day, some of my friends even came out that night to practice yoga. Through it all I started to understand that I actually have what I've always wanted - loving and supporting relationships. That I have become the women I've wanted to be - a woman who makes her own choices. It's allowed me to trust what I have - relationships, work, etc so much more and to just not question like I did. It's led to more firsts - making almost an entire dinner by myself for my boyfriend and I with recipes I chose, marketing myself more because I believe in my teaching and feel my students and friends want to hear what I'm doing, what to know what I'm thinking, hence this blog. Replacing fear with optimism and enthusiasm is quite liberating.