It's the evening before another foot to 2 feet of snow and wintry mix fall on the Boston area. I am getting weary. I think it's snowed every week like clockwork since Christmas. And we're not talking storms that bring a dusting... we're talking storms that bring inches or feet. This began as the first winter in a long time that I've been feeling good about, excited about. I couldn't wait for it to snow. And now, well enough is enough! It's cozy and nurturing and all kinds of yummy goodness when you can stay in. When you have to drive in it, when you have no place to put the snow - the fun begins to end. The weary feeling starts to set in. Weariness at just hearing about another storm without even having to shovel yet.
I was feeling this as I went to yoga this AM to take class. I was running late and looking for parking in Southie on Foundry St. Many of the available parking spaces are covered in snow or ice since many folks don't move their cars and they just don't plow very well there. I found a space and knew as I pulled into it I was on ice. Tried to back out and spun my wheels smelling burning rubber for a few moments. I decided to let it be and head in to take class and then teach afterward. What could I do at that moment by keeping those wheels spinning except create more suffering for myself? I came out early afternoon and couldn't move my car - still stuck. I walked to the apartment building near there and asked for help. A young guy came out and threw some ice melt down, and moved my car out of the spot for me. I went to the store on my way home, got some ice melt, and threw it in my car. Lesson learned and so grateful for the kindness of strangers!
Winter really seems to bring our community together. People are often helpful because we're all in this together. That's a nice feeling isn't it? Community reminds me of the importance of asking for help. It's easy to do that with our loved ones, and other community of people (friends, work etc) that we trust and see all the time. It's harder to do with our larger community, the Boston community, the MA Community, the USA community, the World community. We forget our humanity. I'm just so happy it all exists. I am not alone. And I don't feel so weary anymore.
Your hearts on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing lose
And this aint no place for the weary kind
You called all your shots
Shooting 8 ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this dont feel like home anymore
And this aint no place for the weary kind
And this aint no place to lose your mind
And this aint no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your body aches
Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same
Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesnt forget
the highway that calls for your heart inside
And this aint no place for the weary kind
And this aint no place to lose your mind
And this aint no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your lovers wont kiss
Its too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world
Your hearts on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing lose
And this aint no place for the weary kind
- Ryan Bingham from Crazy Heart Soundtrack
Monday, January 31, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A Year of Firsts
We are almost a month into 2011 and I am amazed at how positive and upbeat I am feeling about this year already. I went into the new year deciding to support my highest good, and within each moment, listening to what I needed or wanted. This is something I've always convinced myself I'm good at because I am such an intuitive person, but being intuitive doesn't mean you necessarily listen to what your intuition tells you :) That was my AH HA moment. I've realized I've been much more comfortable just going along with the flow, and often not speaking up when I needed to or should - and even when I knew what I needed at that moment.
So I started the new year out with yoga. I breathed, I sweat, I meditated, I chanted.... I celebrated community and the joy of being in this body, in this human experience, with about 100 other folks. It was amazing, and cultivated positive energy that has supported me thus far. It was a first for me. The first time I did not ring in the new year drunk. The first time I said what I was going to do without waiting to see what others had planned. The first time I didn't do the traditional new years kiss with my boyfriend. The first time I chose to spend new years without him. Leading up to this empowering choice of mine, I was freaking out. I was agonizing over choosing something I wanted and wondering what others thought of me. And you know what? The world didn't end, my boyfriend and my friends were still there the next day, some of my friends even came out that night to practice yoga. Through it all I started to understand that I actually have what I've always wanted - loving and supporting relationships. That I have become the women I've wanted to be - a woman who makes her own choices. It's allowed me to trust what I have - relationships, work, etc so much more and to just not question like I did. It's led to more firsts - making almost an entire dinner by myself for my boyfriend and I with recipes I chose, marketing myself more because I believe in my teaching and feel my students and friends want to hear what I'm doing, what to know what I'm thinking, hence this blog. Replacing fear with optimism and enthusiasm is quite liberating.
So I started the new year out with yoga. I breathed, I sweat, I meditated, I chanted.... I celebrated community and the joy of being in this body, in this human experience, with about 100 other folks. It was amazing, and cultivated positive energy that has supported me thus far. It was a first for me. The first time I did not ring in the new year drunk. The first time I said what I was going to do without waiting to see what others had planned. The first time I didn't do the traditional new years kiss with my boyfriend. The first time I chose to spend new years without him. Leading up to this empowering choice of mine, I was freaking out. I was agonizing over choosing something I wanted and wondering what others thought of me. And you know what? The world didn't end, my boyfriend and my friends were still there the next day, some of my friends even came out that night to practice yoga. Through it all I started to understand that I actually have what I've always wanted - loving and supporting relationships. That I have become the women I've wanted to be - a woman who makes her own choices. It's allowed me to trust what I have - relationships, work, etc so much more and to just not question like I did. It's led to more firsts - making almost an entire dinner by myself for my boyfriend and I with recipes I chose, marketing myself more because I believe in my teaching and feel my students and friends want to hear what I'm doing, what to know what I'm thinking, hence this blog. Replacing fear with optimism and enthusiasm is quite liberating.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
A Gift
I have been horrible about keeping up with this blog. I think of things all the time that I could write about, but haven't done it. I guess you write when you have a moment that truly transforms you, and tonight was it.
One of my regular students came to my 5:30 class tonight and said that she was a bit emotional this week so she may be working through some stuff on her mat. I told her that is of course ok - it's encouraged! She then went on to tell me that it was the anniversary of the death of her son. I said how sorry I was to hear that. She told me she had lost him 6 years ago when he was just 2 weeks old. It was a complete shock. He was born a healthy baby but contracted a bladder infection a few weeks later that killed him. I couldn't even imagine as she told me this how devastating this must have been. I told her that she was courageous to show up to her mat and she said she'd be lost without her yoga.
I was already planning to do a deep hip opening class with a special heart opening release at the end. It seems I already knew what she needed before she arrived. As we moved through class, I was definitely drawn to her but wanted to give her enough space to support herself on her own, but also enough attention to let her know I was there. You could feel everyone's energy syncing as we moved through practice and accessed the deeper parts of ourselves, peeling back layers, to reveal our raw yet tender hearts.
Before Savasana, we did something one of my favorite teachers did recently, but first when I was with him at Kripalu this past Feb and it was a major breakthrough. It seems simple enough. You sit with your arms by your side, and then slowly let your arms come up to touch palms, and then back again. But by slowly, I mean SLOWLY. The whole things takes at least 5 min, maybe more. Hands are extensions of the heart, and as you lift them, you feel the weight you've placed on your heart, and the layers you've placed over it to keep it protected. And as those palms slowly lift, it's an awakening of what you have had all along. This pure and tender heart, the beauty that is me, that is you. Our suffering and our joy. Everyone's experience is different but I could feel the energy shifting into complete surrender, and a lot of sadness. Sadness over what we've lost. But a joy over the simple fact that this heart still remains, and it can love.
After class, this student was sitting on her mat gently crying. I went up to her and wrapped my arms around her and she cried more. We were silent. And then I kissed her lightly on the cheek and told her THANK YOU. She had given me a gift by letting me share in her own process, her own grief. She had given us all a gift. I left there thinking of the ones I love and how blessed I am to see them everyday. I thought of the ones I've lost and how they had touched my lives. We all left that room more intimately involved with one other than we may have ever been, just through the ability to give the greatest gift that we have - our own heart.
One of my regular students came to my 5:30 class tonight and said that she was a bit emotional this week so she may be working through some stuff on her mat. I told her that is of course ok - it's encouraged! She then went on to tell me that it was the anniversary of the death of her son. I said how sorry I was to hear that. She told me she had lost him 6 years ago when he was just 2 weeks old. It was a complete shock. He was born a healthy baby but contracted a bladder infection a few weeks later that killed him. I couldn't even imagine as she told me this how devastating this must have been. I told her that she was courageous to show up to her mat and she said she'd be lost without her yoga.
I was already planning to do a deep hip opening class with a special heart opening release at the end. It seems I already knew what she needed before she arrived. As we moved through class, I was definitely drawn to her but wanted to give her enough space to support herself on her own, but also enough attention to let her know I was there. You could feel everyone's energy syncing as we moved through practice and accessed the deeper parts of ourselves, peeling back layers, to reveal our raw yet tender hearts.
Before Savasana, we did something one of my favorite teachers did recently, but first when I was with him at Kripalu this past Feb and it was a major breakthrough. It seems simple enough. You sit with your arms by your side, and then slowly let your arms come up to touch palms, and then back again. But by slowly, I mean SLOWLY. The whole things takes at least 5 min, maybe more. Hands are extensions of the heart, and as you lift them, you feel the weight you've placed on your heart, and the layers you've placed over it to keep it protected. And as those palms slowly lift, it's an awakening of what you have had all along. This pure and tender heart, the beauty that is me, that is you. Our suffering and our joy. Everyone's experience is different but I could feel the energy shifting into complete surrender, and a lot of sadness. Sadness over what we've lost. But a joy over the simple fact that this heart still remains, and it can love.
After class, this student was sitting on her mat gently crying. I went up to her and wrapped my arms around her and she cried more. We were silent. And then I kissed her lightly on the cheek and told her THANK YOU. She had given me a gift by letting me share in her own process, her own grief. She had given us all a gift. I left there thinking of the ones I love and how blessed I am to see them everyday. I thought of the ones I've lost and how they had touched my lives. We all left that room more intimately involved with one other than we may have ever been, just through the ability to give the greatest gift that we have - our own heart.
Monday, March 15, 2010
2010.. the year of no expectations
You'll have to excuse me for all of my posts today. I am shutting down my website and just using blogger and my monthly newsletter and facebook to keep in touch, so I wanted to archive my old blog posts on here, but somehow I can't seem to change the date to 2009. Maybe I'll figure that out as I learn blogger more :)
I have had a great three months of the new year already. Can you believe we're already about 3 months in? I've traveled to Kripalu for the first time to study with David Vendetti and Todd Skolgund, I've begun practicing at South Boston Yoga much more, and I've started a daily yoga practice (30 days in TODAY). Not bad huh? And through it all I'm learning that one of my lessons this year is no expectations. I was always someone who put high expectations on myself, but often higher expectations of those closest to me. This made me very competitive, a perfectionist, control freak and quite demanding. Through my practice of yoga, and also perhaps the wisdom that comes as you get older, I have loosened those expecations on myself significantly. I know my strengths, I know my limitations, I know when I can push harder, and I know when I have to let go. That doesn't mean I still don't feel insecurities as to whether I'm doing my "jobs" well - as a yoga teacher, volunteer coordinator at yogahope, girlfriend, daughter, friend, etc I've realized when I worry less about these roles and more about just being me as much as I can I know I'll be doing my best.
The issue I've often had is dropping these expectations for others, particularly those I am closest to. I still am demanding at times, and finding myself disappointed and frustrated. I am the creator of my own suffering. The more I am present to what I am doing I start to realize how unfair it is of me to expect of others what I do not expect of myself. They are not robots and are human like me, and carry their own stresses and are sometimes distracted, in their head, tired, or just not feeling like their usual self. The ones I love the most give me the space to just be me, in whatever capacity that is for my current moment and situation, so shouldn't I do the same? I noticed in those moments when I have I receive more. When I am not expecting, I can see all around me, instead of just the wall in front of me. I am more aware, and have less tunnel vision. This allows me to be open to receiving. If I am not open, the universe will not send such gifts to me. I am understanding this lesson slowly and hoping to live it in 2010.
I have had a great three months of the new year already. Can you believe we're already about 3 months in? I've traveled to Kripalu for the first time to study with David Vendetti and Todd Skolgund, I've begun practicing at South Boston Yoga much more, and I've started a daily yoga practice (30 days in TODAY). Not bad huh? And through it all I'm learning that one of my lessons this year is no expectations. I was always someone who put high expectations on myself, but often higher expectations of those closest to me. This made me very competitive, a perfectionist, control freak and quite demanding. Through my practice of yoga, and also perhaps the wisdom that comes as you get older, I have loosened those expecations on myself significantly. I know my strengths, I know my limitations, I know when I can push harder, and I know when I have to let go. That doesn't mean I still don't feel insecurities as to whether I'm doing my "jobs" well - as a yoga teacher, volunteer coordinator at yogahope, girlfriend, daughter, friend, etc I've realized when I worry less about these roles and more about just being me as much as I can I know I'll be doing my best.
The issue I've often had is dropping these expectations for others, particularly those I am closest to. I still am demanding at times, and finding myself disappointed and frustrated. I am the creator of my own suffering. The more I am present to what I am doing I start to realize how unfair it is of me to expect of others what I do not expect of myself. They are not robots and are human like me, and carry their own stresses and are sometimes distracted, in their head, tired, or just not feeling like their usual self. The ones I love the most give me the space to just be me, in whatever capacity that is for my current moment and situation, so shouldn't I do the same? I noticed in those moments when I have I receive more. When I am not expecting, I can see all around me, instead of just the wall in front of me. I am more aware, and have less tunnel vision. This allows me to be open to receiving. If I am not open, the universe will not send such gifts to me. I am understanding this lesson slowly and hoping to live it in 2010.
Stop seeking and receive
Wow, my last post was intense huh? Well, I’m happy to say I’ve definitely moved through some stuff into a place where I’m more grounded and confident and just simply, ok with me. I don’t think those old feelings of being unlovable and not good enough are completely gone (they’ve made their presence known here and there, and sometimes they are REALLY hard to resist) but I’m in a place now where the future is not as big a concern as it was. I used to constantly think about what’s next, having a goal in mind to keep my focus. Now, I’m happy with what is. I’m in the moment more, not striving toward one thing, but receiving blessings. I notice in this new place my mind can act up more from time to time because nothing is happening… or so it seems. The mind wants to seek out constantly instead of trusting that what is meant to come to you, will come. So my mind will get restless, and that’s when those old feelings will come up and I’ll focus on the negative. My lesson when that happens is to stop and remember where I am, what I have, and those thoughts will stop. It doesn’t always work, but more often than not. For example…. today I was in the shower, doing my thing, and I happened to notice something written on the bathroom window, that showed up as the window fogged up. It said “I love you” It brought the biggest smile to my face you can imagine. Josh had told me he’d written it there days ago but I just saw it today… you know why? Because I wasn’t seeking it out. When I seek it out, it doesn’t come. But when I let things be, those words and actions of love, and blessings abound. Truly something to remember as we move into the Holiday season and a time where people tend to expect and seek. How about you let go a little more and just see what gifts you will receive?
Something is happening, but I don't know what
I’m prompted to write after 2 weeks that have kind of blown me away and left me feeling something is happening, but I don’t know exactly what it is. I gave my first private reiki treatment on Sept. 18 and after that treatment something changed. I suddenly felt a new energy or rather an old one that hadn’t left me. I was angrier, more lonely, sad, frustrated… and I began to take it out on the one closest to me. Now you’d think a yogi would know not to do that, but I was hit so suddenly with these old emotions I had thought had left, but apparently made a come back. I hate feeling this way. It reminds me of my bad relationships when I felt this way all the time. I got out of that, into a great relationship, a place where I’m very happy in my life, yet all of a sudden it seems lost. I feel helpless and sometimes hopeless. I’m making mistakes and screwing up left and right. I’m acting very selfishly, which I’ve always been selfish, but not this bad. I feel almost like I’m possessed and something is fighting to get out and sometimes it does in fits of crying and yelling. It’s exhausting.
I’ve been trying to tap in with all this energy and see what it’s trying to tell me, to figure out what is happening. The only conclusion I have come to is the death of my old self, the birth of a new self. I don’t follow astrology exclusively but all my horoscopes keep saying I’m missing out on how wonderful and amazing I truly am. That I have so much to offer. I always thought I believed that but I think I’m realizing that way way way deep down, I don’t. I’ve always felt unlovable and not good enough. That’s what’s fighting to get out. The only thing I can hope is that it’s fighting because it knows it’s dying. This energy knows I won’t accept that for long, that I too will be strong again. And that I too will realize my worth. For real this time. I think it’s all coming out now as I approach my 30th birthday, as my boyfriend finally puts the last of his past behind him with the selling of his house from his divorce, and this leaves me with a future. A real future. And I think this is happening now so I can be strong and ready for it. Cause that old energy, it won’t stand up, heck it won’t even come close to giving me the future I can see. It’s like here I am in the now with one leg still clinging on in the past, and another stepping into the future, and I’m being torn to bits in the middle. I have to understand how to pick up that other foot and move it ahead. That is what I am calling out to the universe to show me and I need to prepare myself to receive. I know it won’t come until I am ready to receive it. So here’s to making that happen.
I’ve been trying to tap in with all this energy and see what it’s trying to tell me, to figure out what is happening. The only conclusion I have come to is the death of my old self, the birth of a new self. I don’t follow astrology exclusively but all my horoscopes keep saying I’m missing out on how wonderful and amazing I truly am. That I have so much to offer. I always thought I believed that but I think I’m realizing that way way way deep down, I don’t. I’ve always felt unlovable and not good enough. That’s what’s fighting to get out. The only thing I can hope is that it’s fighting because it knows it’s dying. This energy knows I won’t accept that for long, that I too will be strong again. And that I too will realize my worth. For real this time. I think it’s all coming out now as I approach my 30th birthday, as my boyfriend finally puts the last of his past behind him with the selling of his house from his divorce, and this leaves me with a future. A real future. And I think this is happening now so I can be strong and ready for it. Cause that old energy, it won’t stand up, heck it won’t even come close to giving me the future I can see. It’s like here I am in the now with one leg still clinging on in the past, and another stepping into the future, and I’m being torn to bits in the middle. I have to understand how to pick up that other foot and move it ahead. That is what I am calling out to the universe to show me and I need to prepare myself to receive. I know it won’t come until I am ready to receive it. So here’s to making that happen.
Oh well: My new coin phrase
I’ve really let this blog thing go. I am more lazy by nature, but I think it’s simply that I haven’t had much to say. And that’s okay. Today though, prompted me to write again. Though it really began yesterday.
I decided to have a day of “getting things done” yesterday which included scheduling my annual exam with my OBGYN and finding out if I have another eye exam covered under insurance or do I have to wait another year, scheduling an oil change for my car, and calling the IRS to figure out why they only credited me $95 on a recent payment of $200 I made and what’s up with all the interest and penalties they’ve charged me.
OBGYN visit scheduled for next January (yes, this woman books out that much in advance, good lord), no eye exam coverage till 2010 (every two year thing, luckily my eyes don’t change much), oil change for next Tuesday (though they wanted me to do some $300 general maintenance thing , the things you don’t really need but kinda need and the dealers will push for it) and then there was the IRS. It turns out the rest of my recent payment went to a $105 fee to set up an installment agreement in order to pay some taxes I owed in 2008. I didn’t owe a ton, but I couldn’t pay it at once. So I thought I was being a good citizen setting up this agreement to pay them monthly until I was done. This agreement has resulted in this $105 fee, plus interest, and a penalities for not paying it on time in the first place. I did not yell at the lady who works for the IRS on the phone. I could tell she was almost expecting me to yell at her – I could feel her hesitation as she gave me that information, waiting for me to say something nasty back, the icyness in her voice… but I didn’t. I thanked her for her time and hung up. Now I was angry, but I said to myself “Oh well” Nothing I can do about that, and she’s right, I didn’t pay the remaining balance in April. Then I proceeded to make myself a yummy lunch and carry on with my day.
Today I was scheduled to have a massage with Mary, my massage therapist and friend who is extraordinary. I was looking forward to it all week, last night as I finished a busy teaching day, and this morning when I woke up and felt a sore body from a big road trip not too long ago where we were in the car for 15 hours a day, not to mention from a week of getting back into my regular yoga practice, and regular schedule of teaching. I take yoga this morning and afterward get ready to head down to Foxborough. The drive to see Mary once a month takes me about 45 minutes, and with this construction on 95S, sometimes longer, but she is totally worth it. Today is gorgeous if you haven’t noticed already, and I cruise along to Foxborough, sun on my face, wind in my hair. I get there and she’s running late, and when she comes out she told me a fuse blew while she was in the middle of a massage with the previous client. I can see she’s a bit stressed about this. She asked me if I can wait while she calls the landlord. She comes back telling me the landlord wants her to shut down everything (all the electric) for a bit and then turn it back on. Mary is clearly out of her element with this one, as would I be! She asks me so politely and nicely if I could come back tomorrow after I teach, and I without hesitation say of course. She says it just wouldn’t be the kind of massage she’d want to give to me, because she’s a bit stressed about the situation, and I can’t help but love her sincerity and dedication to her work. I say again “Oh well” and get in my car and drive back home.
I’ve learned that the greatest happiness comes in being able to say “Oh well” when those things come up in life that truly suck, but you have no control over them. You say “Oh well” with a smile on your face and you go about your day, letting that moment slip away. Once whatever crappy thing that has happened to us is done, there’s nothing we can do to make the event not happen. The best we can do is make a choice to not let it affect our future moments. Just try it… the next time someone cuts you off “Oh well” the next time the cat or dog pukes on the floor “Oh well” you go to yoga and your favorite yoga teacher couldn’t make it last minute and there’s a sub you’ve never heard of before “Oh well” You just might feel lighter, and more joyful, and shine a more radiant light to those around you!
I decided to have a day of “getting things done” yesterday which included scheduling my annual exam with my OBGYN and finding out if I have another eye exam covered under insurance or do I have to wait another year, scheduling an oil change for my car, and calling the IRS to figure out why they only credited me $95 on a recent payment of $200 I made and what’s up with all the interest and penalties they’ve charged me.
OBGYN visit scheduled for next January (yes, this woman books out that much in advance, good lord), no eye exam coverage till 2010 (every two year thing, luckily my eyes don’t change much), oil change for next Tuesday (though they wanted me to do some $300 general maintenance thing , the things you don’t really need but kinda need and the dealers will push for it) and then there was the IRS. It turns out the rest of my recent payment went to a $105 fee to set up an installment agreement in order to pay some taxes I owed in 2008. I didn’t owe a ton, but I couldn’t pay it at once. So I thought I was being a good citizen setting up this agreement to pay them monthly until I was done. This agreement has resulted in this $105 fee, plus interest, and a penalities for not paying it on time in the first place. I did not yell at the lady who works for the IRS on the phone. I could tell she was almost expecting me to yell at her – I could feel her hesitation as she gave me that information, waiting for me to say something nasty back, the icyness in her voice… but I didn’t. I thanked her for her time and hung up. Now I was angry, but I said to myself “Oh well” Nothing I can do about that, and she’s right, I didn’t pay the remaining balance in April. Then I proceeded to make myself a yummy lunch and carry on with my day.
Today I was scheduled to have a massage with Mary, my massage therapist and friend who is extraordinary. I was looking forward to it all week, last night as I finished a busy teaching day, and this morning when I woke up and felt a sore body from a big road trip not too long ago where we were in the car for 15 hours a day, not to mention from a week of getting back into my regular yoga practice, and regular schedule of teaching. I take yoga this morning and afterward get ready to head down to Foxborough. The drive to see Mary once a month takes me about 45 minutes, and with this construction on 95S, sometimes longer, but she is totally worth it. Today is gorgeous if you haven’t noticed already, and I cruise along to Foxborough, sun on my face, wind in my hair. I get there and she’s running late, and when she comes out she told me a fuse blew while she was in the middle of a massage with the previous client. I can see she’s a bit stressed about this. She asked me if I can wait while she calls the landlord. She comes back telling me the landlord wants her to shut down everything (all the electric) for a bit and then turn it back on. Mary is clearly out of her element with this one, as would I be! She asks me so politely and nicely if I could come back tomorrow after I teach, and I without hesitation say of course. She says it just wouldn’t be the kind of massage she’d want to give to me, because she’s a bit stressed about the situation, and I can’t help but love her sincerity and dedication to her work. I say again “Oh well” and get in my car and drive back home.
I’ve learned that the greatest happiness comes in being able to say “Oh well” when those things come up in life that truly suck, but you have no control over them. You say “Oh well” with a smile on your face and you go about your day, letting that moment slip away. Once whatever crappy thing that has happened to us is done, there’s nothing we can do to make the event not happen. The best we can do is make a choice to not let it affect our future moments. Just try it… the next time someone cuts you off “Oh well” the next time the cat or dog pukes on the floor “Oh well” you go to yoga and your favorite yoga teacher couldn’t make it last minute and there’s a sub you’ve never heard of before “Oh well” You just might feel lighter, and more joyful, and shine a more radiant light to those around you!
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