You'll have to excuse me for all of my posts today. I am shutting down my website and just using blogger and my monthly newsletter and facebook to keep in touch, so I wanted to archive my old blog posts on here, but somehow I can't seem to change the date to 2009. Maybe I'll figure that out as I learn blogger more :)
I have had a great three months of the new year already. Can you believe we're already about 3 months in? I've traveled to Kripalu for the first time to study with David Vendetti and Todd Skolgund, I've begun practicing at South Boston Yoga much more, and I've started a daily yoga practice (30 days in TODAY). Not bad huh? And through it all I'm learning that one of my lessons this year is no expectations. I was always someone who put high expectations on myself, but often higher expectations of those closest to me. This made me very competitive, a perfectionist, control freak and quite demanding. Through my practice of yoga, and also perhaps the wisdom that comes as you get older, I have loosened those expecations on myself significantly. I know my strengths, I know my limitations, I know when I can push harder, and I know when I have to let go. That doesn't mean I still don't feel insecurities as to whether I'm doing my "jobs" well - as a yoga teacher, volunteer coordinator at yogahope, girlfriend, daughter, friend, etc I've realized when I worry less about these roles and more about just being me as much as I can I know I'll be doing my best.
The issue I've often had is dropping these expectations for others, particularly those I am closest to. I still am demanding at times, and finding myself disappointed and frustrated. I am the creator of my own suffering. The more I am present to what I am doing I start to realize how unfair it is of me to expect of others what I do not expect of myself. They are not robots and are human like me, and carry their own stresses and are sometimes distracted, in their head, tired, or just not feeling like their usual self. The ones I love the most give me the space to just be me, in whatever capacity that is for my current moment and situation, so shouldn't I do the same? I noticed in those moments when I have I receive more. When I am not expecting, I can see all around me, instead of just the wall in front of me. I am more aware, and have less tunnel vision. This allows me to be open to receiving. If I am not open, the universe will not send such gifts to me. I am understanding this lesson slowly and hoping to live it in 2010.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Stop seeking and receive
Wow, my last post was intense huh? Well, I’m happy to say I’ve definitely moved through some stuff into a place where I’m more grounded and confident and just simply, ok with me. I don’t think those old feelings of being unlovable and not good enough are completely gone (they’ve made their presence known here and there, and sometimes they are REALLY hard to resist) but I’m in a place now where the future is not as big a concern as it was. I used to constantly think about what’s next, having a goal in mind to keep my focus. Now, I’m happy with what is. I’m in the moment more, not striving toward one thing, but receiving blessings. I notice in this new place my mind can act up more from time to time because nothing is happening… or so it seems. The mind wants to seek out constantly instead of trusting that what is meant to come to you, will come. So my mind will get restless, and that’s when those old feelings will come up and I’ll focus on the negative. My lesson when that happens is to stop and remember where I am, what I have, and those thoughts will stop. It doesn’t always work, but more often than not. For example…. today I was in the shower, doing my thing, and I happened to notice something written on the bathroom window, that showed up as the window fogged up. It said “I love you” It brought the biggest smile to my face you can imagine. Josh had told me he’d written it there days ago but I just saw it today… you know why? Because I wasn’t seeking it out. When I seek it out, it doesn’t come. But when I let things be, those words and actions of love, and blessings abound. Truly something to remember as we move into the Holiday season and a time where people tend to expect and seek. How about you let go a little more and just see what gifts you will receive?
Something is happening, but I don't know what
I’m prompted to write after 2 weeks that have kind of blown me away and left me feeling something is happening, but I don’t know exactly what it is. I gave my first private reiki treatment on Sept. 18 and after that treatment something changed. I suddenly felt a new energy or rather an old one that hadn’t left me. I was angrier, more lonely, sad, frustrated… and I began to take it out on the one closest to me. Now you’d think a yogi would know not to do that, but I was hit so suddenly with these old emotions I had thought had left, but apparently made a come back. I hate feeling this way. It reminds me of my bad relationships when I felt this way all the time. I got out of that, into a great relationship, a place where I’m very happy in my life, yet all of a sudden it seems lost. I feel helpless and sometimes hopeless. I’m making mistakes and screwing up left and right. I’m acting very selfishly, which I’ve always been selfish, but not this bad. I feel almost like I’m possessed and something is fighting to get out and sometimes it does in fits of crying and yelling. It’s exhausting.
I’ve been trying to tap in with all this energy and see what it’s trying to tell me, to figure out what is happening. The only conclusion I have come to is the death of my old self, the birth of a new self. I don’t follow astrology exclusively but all my horoscopes keep saying I’m missing out on how wonderful and amazing I truly am. That I have so much to offer. I always thought I believed that but I think I’m realizing that way way way deep down, I don’t. I’ve always felt unlovable and not good enough. That’s what’s fighting to get out. The only thing I can hope is that it’s fighting because it knows it’s dying. This energy knows I won’t accept that for long, that I too will be strong again. And that I too will realize my worth. For real this time. I think it’s all coming out now as I approach my 30th birthday, as my boyfriend finally puts the last of his past behind him with the selling of his house from his divorce, and this leaves me with a future. A real future. And I think this is happening now so I can be strong and ready for it. Cause that old energy, it won’t stand up, heck it won’t even come close to giving me the future I can see. It’s like here I am in the now with one leg still clinging on in the past, and another stepping into the future, and I’m being torn to bits in the middle. I have to understand how to pick up that other foot and move it ahead. That is what I am calling out to the universe to show me and I need to prepare myself to receive. I know it won’t come until I am ready to receive it. So here’s to making that happen.
I’ve been trying to tap in with all this energy and see what it’s trying to tell me, to figure out what is happening. The only conclusion I have come to is the death of my old self, the birth of a new self. I don’t follow astrology exclusively but all my horoscopes keep saying I’m missing out on how wonderful and amazing I truly am. That I have so much to offer. I always thought I believed that but I think I’m realizing that way way way deep down, I don’t. I’ve always felt unlovable and not good enough. That’s what’s fighting to get out. The only thing I can hope is that it’s fighting because it knows it’s dying. This energy knows I won’t accept that for long, that I too will be strong again. And that I too will realize my worth. For real this time. I think it’s all coming out now as I approach my 30th birthday, as my boyfriend finally puts the last of his past behind him with the selling of his house from his divorce, and this leaves me with a future. A real future. And I think this is happening now so I can be strong and ready for it. Cause that old energy, it won’t stand up, heck it won’t even come close to giving me the future I can see. It’s like here I am in the now with one leg still clinging on in the past, and another stepping into the future, and I’m being torn to bits in the middle. I have to understand how to pick up that other foot and move it ahead. That is what I am calling out to the universe to show me and I need to prepare myself to receive. I know it won’t come until I am ready to receive it. So here’s to making that happen.
Oh well: My new coin phrase
I’ve really let this blog thing go. I am more lazy by nature, but I think it’s simply that I haven’t had much to say. And that’s okay. Today though, prompted me to write again. Though it really began yesterday.
I decided to have a day of “getting things done” yesterday which included scheduling my annual exam with my OBGYN and finding out if I have another eye exam covered under insurance or do I have to wait another year, scheduling an oil change for my car, and calling the IRS to figure out why they only credited me $95 on a recent payment of $200 I made and what’s up with all the interest and penalties they’ve charged me.
OBGYN visit scheduled for next January (yes, this woman books out that much in advance, good lord), no eye exam coverage till 2010 (every two year thing, luckily my eyes don’t change much), oil change for next Tuesday (though they wanted me to do some $300 general maintenance thing , the things you don’t really need but kinda need and the dealers will push for it) and then there was the IRS. It turns out the rest of my recent payment went to a $105 fee to set up an installment agreement in order to pay some taxes I owed in 2008. I didn’t owe a ton, but I couldn’t pay it at once. So I thought I was being a good citizen setting up this agreement to pay them monthly until I was done. This agreement has resulted in this $105 fee, plus interest, and a penalities for not paying it on time in the first place. I did not yell at the lady who works for the IRS on the phone. I could tell she was almost expecting me to yell at her – I could feel her hesitation as she gave me that information, waiting for me to say something nasty back, the icyness in her voice… but I didn’t. I thanked her for her time and hung up. Now I was angry, but I said to myself “Oh well” Nothing I can do about that, and she’s right, I didn’t pay the remaining balance in April. Then I proceeded to make myself a yummy lunch and carry on with my day.
Today I was scheduled to have a massage with Mary, my massage therapist and friend who is extraordinary. I was looking forward to it all week, last night as I finished a busy teaching day, and this morning when I woke up and felt a sore body from a big road trip not too long ago where we were in the car for 15 hours a day, not to mention from a week of getting back into my regular yoga practice, and regular schedule of teaching. I take yoga this morning and afterward get ready to head down to Foxborough. The drive to see Mary once a month takes me about 45 minutes, and with this construction on 95S, sometimes longer, but she is totally worth it. Today is gorgeous if you haven’t noticed already, and I cruise along to Foxborough, sun on my face, wind in my hair. I get there and she’s running late, and when she comes out she told me a fuse blew while she was in the middle of a massage with the previous client. I can see she’s a bit stressed about this. She asked me if I can wait while she calls the landlord. She comes back telling me the landlord wants her to shut down everything (all the electric) for a bit and then turn it back on. Mary is clearly out of her element with this one, as would I be! She asks me so politely and nicely if I could come back tomorrow after I teach, and I without hesitation say of course. She says it just wouldn’t be the kind of massage she’d want to give to me, because she’s a bit stressed about the situation, and I can’t help but love her sincerity and dedication to her work. I say again “Oh well” and get in my car and drive back home.
I’ve learned that the greatest happiness comes in being able to say “Oh well” when those things come up in life that truly suck, but you have no control over them. You say “Oh well” with a smile on your face and you go about your day, letting that moment slip away. Once whatever crappy thing that has happened to us is done, there’s nothing we can do to make the event not happen. The best we can do is make a choice to not let it affect our future moments. Just try it… the next time someone cuts you off “Oh well” the next time the cat or dog pukes on the floor “Oh well” you go to yoga and your favorite yoga teacher couldn’t make it last minute and there’s a sub you’ve never heard of before “Oh well” You just might feel lighter, and more joyful, and shine a more radiant light to those around you!
I decided to have a day of “getting things done” yesterday which included scheduling my annual exam with my OBGYN and finding out if I have another eye exam covered under insurance or do I have to wait another year, scheduling an oil change for my car, and calling the IRS to figure out why they only credited me $95 on a recent payment of $200 I made and what’s up with all the interest and penalties they’ve charged me.
OBGYN visit scheduled for next January (yes, this woman books out that much in advance, good lord), no eye exam coverage till 2010 (every two year thing, luckily my eyes don’t change much), oil change for next Tuesday (though they wanted me to do some $300 general maintenance thing , the things you don’t really need but kinda need and the dealers will push for it) and then there was the IRS. It turns out the rest of my recent payment went to a $105 fee to set up an installment agreement in order to pay some taxes I owed in 2008. I didn’t owe a ton, but I couldn’t pay it at once. So I thought I was being a good citizen setting up this agreement to pay them monthly until I was done. This agreement has resulted in this $105 fee, plus interest, and a penalities for not paying it on time in the first place. I did not yell at the lady who works for the IRS on the phone. I could tell she was almost expecting me to yell at her – I could feel her hesitation as she gave me that information, waiting for me to say something nasty back, the icyness in her voice… but I didn’t. I thanked her for her time and hung up. Now I was angry, but I said to myself “Oh well” Nothing I can do about that, and she’s right, I didn’t pay the remaining balance in April. Then I proceeded to make myself a yummy lunch and carry on with my day.
Today I was scheduled to have a massage with Mary, my massage therapist and friend who is extraordinary. I was looking forward to it all week, last night as I finished a busy teaching day, and this morning when I woke up and felt a sore body from a big road trip not too long ago where we were in the car for 15 hours a day, not to mention from a week of getting back into my regular yoga practice, and regular schedule of teaching. I take yoga this morning and afterward get ready to head down to Foxborough. The drive to see Mary once a month takes me about 45 minutes, and with this construction on 95S, sometimes longer, but she is totally worth it. Today is gorgeous if you haven’t noticed already, and I cruise along to Foxborough, sun on my face, wind in my hair. I get there and she’s running late, and when she comes out she told me a fuse blew while she was in the middle of a massage with the previous client. I can see she’s a bit stressed about this. She asked me if I can wait while she calls the landlord. She comes back telling me the landlord wants her to shut down everything (all the electric) for a bit and then turn it back on. Mary is clearly out of her element with this one, as would I be! She asks me so politely and nicely if I could come back tomorrow after I teach, and I without hesitation say of course. She says it just wouldn’t be the kind of massage she’d want to give to me, because she’s a bit stressed about the situation, and I can’t help but love her sincerity and dedication to her work. I say again “Oh well” and get in my car and drive back home.
I’ve learned that the greatest happiness comes in being able to say “Oh well” when those things come up in life that truly suck, but you have no control over them. You say “Oh well” with a smile on your face and you go about your day, letting that moment slip away. Once whatever crappy thing that has happened to us is done, there’s nothing we can do to make the event not happen. The best we can do is make a choice to not let it affect our future moments. Just try it… the next time someone cuts you off “Oh well” the next time the cat or dog pukes on the floor “Oh well” you go to yoga and your favorite yoga teacher couldn’t make it last minute and there’s a sub you’ve never heard of before “Oh well” You just might feel lighter, and more joyful, and shine a more radiant light to those around you!
The beauty of not trying so hard
Lately I’ve been realizing the beauty of not trying so hard. It’s something I’ve realized in other areas of my life for awhile now, but it’s shifting into my intimate relationships for what seems to be the first time.
There was a time when I tried hard to succeed at everything, anything I did. I would only surround myself with those things I knew I could succeed at – school when I was younger, and the competitive sport of rowing. In college, it wasn’t so much the school thing but I knew I could succeed at being the girl who was the biggest partier around, always ready for fun in whatever form that consisted of – there weren’t many limits to how far I’d go to have the laughs and amusement of others. I took up running after college and went so far to complete a marathon to convince myself I could succeed at that too. When yoga came into my life after this time, I even tried to convince myself I was succeeding at that too. Slowly, through my practice, I realized the only thing I was succeeding in was creating my own suffering. By trying so hard to please everyone, to make eveything right, to fix everything, to succeed without even knowing what I was moving toward, I was creating a person who was angry and very lost.
I think I’ve stopped trying so hard when it comes to certain areas I used to deem success – career, money, right clothes, look, etc and that’s allowed me to focus more on me and what brings me joy in this world. I know I want to grow as a yoga teacher but I know that it’s something I don’t have to try too hard for because as long as I am dedicated to my practice, I will grow as a teacher as well.
Intimate relationships, sharing love with another, was always the area I tried the most at – and the one I always failed at. I’m finally in a relationship that brings me joy beyond any words can really say – the kind of joy where you want to wipe the glass to make sure that person you see in it with a huge freaking grin on their face is really you. And yes, it really is you! And yes, you’ve had that grin for months now, and yes the feeling of joy just keeps growing! And that is when my fear comes in of losing it all and then I start trying too hard to hang on to that feeling of joy, to that person that has helped bring it into my life, and this only results in tears, frustration and conflict. I am starting to realize when I can let go of my grip and trust I can be grounded in this joy everything flows, the relationship grows, I still have that big grin and I don’t have frustration tears or conflict.
The things that bring the most beauty in this life can’t be forced. They are delicate, they are soft and the only way we can enjoy them is to be IN them. To truly be IN them.
There was a time when I tried hard to succeed at everything, anything I did. I would only surround myself with those things I knew I could succeed at – school when I was younger, and the competitive sport of rowing. In college, it wasn’t so much the school thing but I knew I could succeed at being the girl who was the biggest partier around, always ready for fun in whatever form that consisted of – there weren’t many limits to how far I’d go to have the laughs and amusement of others. I took up running after college and went so far to complete a marathon to convince myself I could succeed at that too. When yoga came into my life after this time, I even tried to convince myself I was succeeding at that too. Slowly, through my practice, I realized the only thing I was succeeding in was creating my own suffering. By trying so hard to please everyone, to make eveything right, to fix everything, to succeed without even knowing what I was moving toward, I was creating a person who was angry and very lost.
I think I’ve stopped trying so hard when it comes to certain areas I used to deem success – career, money, right clothes, look, etc and that’s allowed me to focus more on me and what brings me joy in this world. I know I want to grow as a yoga teacher but I know that it’s something I don’t have to try too hard for because as long as I am dedicated to my practice, I will grow as a teacher as well.
Intimate relationships, sharing love with another, was always the area I tried the most at – and the one I always failed at. I’m finally in a relationship that brings me joy beyond any words can really say – the kind of joy where you want to wipe the glass to make sure that person you see in it with a huge freaking grin on their face is really you. And yes, it really is you! And yes, you’ve had that grin for months now, and yes the feeling of joy just keeps growing! And that is when my fear comes in of losing it all and then I start trying too hard to hang on to that feeling of joy, to that person that has helped bring it into my life, and this only results in tears, frustration and conflict. I am starting to realize when I can let go of my grip and trust I can be grounded in this joy everything flows, the relationship grows, I still have that big grin and I don’t have frustration tears or conflict.
The things that bring the most beauty in this life can’t be forced. They are delicate, they are soft and the only way we can enjoy them is to be IN them. To truly be IN them.
The strength of community
This past weekend I learned of the death of a fellow yoga teacher in the Boston community, Gabriel Feld. I did not know Gabriel personally, but I felt a deep sadness of learning of his death, especially at the young age of 24. As I talked with my fellow yogis, those who teach and practice, I began to learn a bit more about Gabriel and how much he was loved and respected in the Boston yoga community. I found that there were many of us who didn’t know him but also felt deeply connected and saddened by his death. As more of the story unfolded, I learned that his death was a suicide. It was a shock to me to know that someone who was so loved and supported in this community would take his own life, and leave his family and friends wondering why. Yet the more I have sat with this sadness I know and understand that his suffering was my own. Whatever darkness he felt I have felt too. My good friend Heather told me that as yogis we are much more intuitive and connected with ourselves, so this includes the darker more hidden aspects of our lives and personalities. I think we can get overwhelmed by this understanding (I know I do) and sometimes feel alone. But as soon as I talk to my yogi friends, step on my mat to practice or simply teach I understand that my experience is my students experience, my friends experience…. We all have the same fears. I didn’t know Gabriel well enough to speculate on what he was thinking in those final moments, but I do know that he wasn’t alone. And perhaps that’s what we can all learn from. We are spreaders of love and light but that is not all we carry. We carry our own suffering and that too can be shared.
Out with the old, in with the new
Lately I’ve been noticing something about my yoga practice. My left hip and hamstring are slightly tighter than my right. This is a new development. When I first started yoga, it was always the right. I attribute being tighter on the right to being in a competitive mindset when it came to yoga, or much of anything in my life. I was harder, more agressive, not as kind to myself. It seems things have shifted. I can feel that competitiveness is long gone. It’s not important anymore. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve began to love myself much more deeply and therefore am able to love others that way too. I think the reason I’ve been tighter on the left recently is that this love is so great, so deep, I am not very grounded in it yet. It is overwhelming at times and hard for me to fully accept and be in. Love for myself, love for Josh, love for my students and my friends and sometimes when I’m truly open, every person I meet. So even though I am not grounded in this feeling yet, and it can be unsettling, I’d much rather be in this place. I’d much rather have the ability to love this deeply rather than be back where I was hard, on edge, and in a lot of pain. It’s a good change, and I look forward to seeing where it takes me.
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