I am enough

Oh 2012. What a bitch of a year. The best and the worst of times. My very foundation shaken. Yet here I am, still standing, stronger, wiser, happier. I could reflect on the year and focus on the pain, the heartache or I could look back and say, thank you, thank you Universe for reminding me that playing it safe is not rewarded. Safe may not be the right word for you but it's what works for me. I was playing it safe in many areas of my life. I wasn't saying how I felt to those who mattered, I wasn't admitting my relationships with many close to me had been for some time dysfunctional. I was isolating, shutting down slowly. I felt disconnected from myself and others and I was. I wasn't truly loving or living. Becoming a parent for the first time can do this to you, though I recognize now some of the patterns that came up had been played out before, but they were simply brought to full view as a parent. When you become a parent, you become the most vulnerable you have ever been. You can decide to do two things with this. Shut down. Try to perfect your child, your life to make it completely safe - or presumably safe. Or you can embrace this vulnerability. You can live and love fully and find gratitude for this gift of your child, that yes, has been given to you. YOU. I don't believe Josh nor I knew how vulnerable having a child would make us. How can you? It's impossible to know until it happens. And for us we were unable to be vulnerable together, which is what we needed to coexist. So I became vulnerable alone. Very very vulnerable. And very very alone. And what I found was the greatest strength I have ever known and the greatest support system of friends and community near and far - a lot of which I never knew existed. I step into 2013 building a new foundation. I am not trying to fix anything as there's nothing to fix. I do get caught up in where am I going sometimes, not so much in relationships but in my work and life as I see so many around me doing such great things. I remind myself that teaching my 6 or classes a week, connecting whole heartedly with my students and loved ones and friends, and most importantly, being a wholehearted present grounded mother to Julian is very important work. From this place only love and light can follow. I've learned from my mistakes that it's very important to build a foundation - a strong sense of self - so that I can be a good parent, and if another relationship comes along, I can merge into that one already happy and whole. I am getting a lot of messages about where my focus needs to go. For a number of years now, I've seen the talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability from TED circling around but I never watched it. Saturday I was teaching speaking into what I've been learning and trying to live and a student after class said do you know Brene Browns book Daring Greatly? You should check it out. She was only in class for that Sat - just passing through - she gave me what I needed. Another regular student that day gave me a book on being Fearless. Last night I checked out the Brene Brown talk, another friend posted another longer interview with her last night when I shared the 20 min TED talk, and the baby and I listened to that this morning. I am hooked. I want to listen to these talks, every day of my life moving forward. For so many of us this year was a year of great change. Challenging often painful change. And such sad world events like the recent Newtown tragedy and the rape and murder of an Indian woman on a Delhi bus. The Universe is screaming for us to listen and as I can see from my own journey and the journey of those around me - we are listening. A higher spiritual consciousness is being born and I'm on board. I truly believe the foundation of our world is shifting and for those on board - we're going to be creating and doing amazing things. For those not on board, they will struggle, and we're going to have to watch them struggle. Perhaps I'm a bit presumptious, but it's what has been presented before me already. Back to Brene Brown - I wish I could quote her word for word because she eloquently states what I feel to be true but here it is in a nutshell - vulnerability is our birthright. A close friend of mine actually said that one but it's true - an infant is completely vulnerable. As Brene Brown would state - hardwired for struggle. Struggle comes in, mistakes may happen, and somehow somewhere we start to believe this false truth that we are no longer enough. We no longer deserve happiness and love and belonging. That is the farthest thing from the truth. We internalize this rather than rationalize it because our rational mind would say, that's crazy, I don't believe it. Yet deep down we do. We accumulate things, people, this, that anything to hide those feelings of being not enough - our shame as Brene Brown would call it, and I admit I have a hard time with that word, but I do believe we all have shame. Brene describes it well when she said it's shame, not ashamed. Big difference. We keep making the same mistakes playing out the same or similar patterns pushing down our own birthright of vulnerability, our ability to see and be seen, to know and be known. When all we want truly is that - to see and be seen, to known and be known, to feel that spark, that aliveness when we look in another's eyes and to feel it in our own hearts. I like you perhaps was a nonbeliever in many ways. I thought you open yourself up this much, but you certainly keep something hidden. You show it all you can get hurt! Whomever may not like it. My child is a good teacher that this is not the case. I show him it all - the sad, the angry, the silly, the happy, the many sides of mommy and he loves them all. I don't have to try to earn his love. My friend Pat Donaher posted on his blog Peace and Be Wild this beautiful quote by Ram Dass "You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing. You don't have to do anything to earn it. Your shortcomings, your lack of self-esteem, physical perfection, or social and economic status - none of that matters. This love is actually a part of you, it is always flowing through you. It's a subatomic texture of the Universe, the dark matter that connects you to everything. When you tune into that flow, you will feel it in your own heart. If I go to the place in myself that is love, and you go to the place in yourself that is love, we are together in love. The state of being love." I am enough. And so are you. I haven't believed this fully. I'm working on it. A recent comment by someone close to me when they said I can see exactly why Josh left you really struck a cord. It hurt. A lot. I think it was a mean comment, but more than that, it struck at this fundamental feeling within me of not being enough - of the girl who lost her man, the girl who couldn't keep a man. This deeply ingrained falsehood on how love is attained. Brene Brown spoke in a longer interview on the site On Being about vulnerability and the differences between men and women and how we play out dysfunction in our relationships to avoid stepping into vulnerability. She told this story of how after one of her book tours a couple came up afterward to have them sign her book. The woman went to leave but the man lingered and he asked Brene why her study at that time had focused on women. He said that men have shame too. He said that as women we want men to be vulnerable but we want them to stay up on their white horse. He asked Brene what would you really think if we fell off that white horse? That hit home for me. I want that vulnerability with a man but I also want strength. And for a long time I did not equate vulnerability with strength. That is no longer true. There's a difference between being a door mat and someone who is truly seen - that person is the source of their own power. Brene goes on to talk about these roles we play in a relationship that hold us back from being fully seen. One that resonated with me was the save me, or fix you syndrome. Seeking out someone to save you, to make you happy or whole, to tell you you are enough, or fixing another to make you feel happy whole and enough. Both of these leave us without our power. We essentially give our power to another - either by being saved, or by fixing. I've played both these roles numerous times - trying so hard to be perfect, to fit exactly what another person wanted, letting them fix me, and trying so hard to save another, to shape them into the man I knew they could be which is essentially just manipulating the person so that I'd have them under my thumb, have them as I wanted them to be, but not really letting them be who they were. Both are destructive patterns and leave both people unhappy. The pattern keeps playing out till one person says, I'm not happy. The pattern is either then realized through some time alone or played out again in another relationship. We don't need to be saved because we already are enough. We don't need to fix another because it's the work of realizing our own strength and showcasing our own vulnerability that will make us attractive. Fixing that in another or someone fixing it in us just isn't possible. I am in my own power these days. I am building my foundation. And I know one thing for whatever lies in the future. I want to see and be seen. I want to know and be known. And this does not mean perfecting anything - this means in simplest terms, letting it all hang out. Imperfections are what join us. Let's share ours together in 2013! I feel blessed to go into the New Year with some things to look forward to. Watching Julian grow, my new tattoo, skydiving for a friends birthday... and I know there will be so many more experiences and things to come which I don't even know about, and can't even fathom yet, and for those, I am MOST excited. Happy New Year and thanks for all the love and support this year my friends! xoxoxo

Winter Solstice

This past week has been a time of transformation. Did you feel the energy out there? The Universe is telling us it isn't messing around. These are serious times. I am listening. I have used Facebook and this blog as a way to process and communicate my journey. It has helped me, it has helped others. I feel I've crossed over to the other side. I am walking a transformed woman. I am living my strength. I have a voice. One of my close friends said it best. It's hard when you live as a silent person and then gain a voice. When you begin to rock the boat, all those in the boat get rocked with you. I have hurt some of those in the boat with me by being very candid with my interpretations. I don't regret it as it has helped many of you and was the process of finding my voice. Now that I have it, I can say what I feel directly to those I need to. It doesn't mean I will stop writing this blog, but the story aspect doesn't matter so much anymore. The who's who or play by play. These last 6 months have been a time of deep reflection and the Winter Solstice begins the return of the light. It is a time of manifestation and I am ready. Through reflection I have learned many things but mainly the truth is out there. It's clear as day if you pause and listen. I deserve to be happy. I come from a place of love. I am afraid of being this vulnerable. The recognition of that fear makes it ok. A friend I was visiting with recently said that he was drawn to SBY because of how honest the teachers and community are with their own struggles. Such communities are what we need more of in the world. There are no bad people. There are mistakes and people acting out of delusions rather than truth. Compassion is needed. I begin moving forward with manifestation and the first step is boundaries. I have been a person that has let things happen to me. I have walked on eggshells around many deciding my mood or my feelings based on theirs. Boundaries allow me to stay in my truth and to act or speak from it. Boundaries are crucial and essential for my journey forward. And boundaries don't mean keeping people out. On the contrary they mean to keep people in Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays all!

We are not safe

I was getting ready to write a new blog post probably about a week or so ago after I was inspired by my friend Michelle's blog post on her web site Find Your Balance - Why I'm Not Into Attachment Parenting. She spoke eloquently about how you think you are going to be a certain kind of parent, and then your child arrives, and you adjust to meet their and your needs together. Then the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary happened and I began to process what to take from the loss of 26 lives, 20 of them children just 6 and 7 years old. And somehow what I was going to write and what I am taking from this tragedy have come together. We are not safe. Tragedies on such a large and horrific scale as what happened at Sandy Hook remind us of this, as do the smaller tragedies - break ups, the loss of a loved one. Not that any one tragedy is less or more than another. All of them leave us with an unsettled feeling because our world, our existence as we know it individually and perhaps collectively is questioned. We feel unsafe because we are now exposed and raw and vulnerable. This is our natural state - the state a child is born into - but we've spent many years desensitizing ourselves to it and shutting down our ability to feel because we felt it kept us safe. We did this because at some point in our lives some event or perhaps a series of events was too traumatic for us to process so we shoved those emotions aside. We think of trauma to be an event as big as Sandy Hook. The fact is the trauma may not make sense to one person, may seem small or less than, but to the person who has experienced it it is big and has shaped who they are. The trauma has caused us to develop a certain way of living, a certain patterning in our lives - a dysfunctionality. We think its keeping us safe but it's not doing that at all. It's keeping us locked and shut down and unable to live and love fully. Do you ever notice though how many folks love a tragedy? I know people like that. I was one of them. The people who start every conversation with, guess who died? Or did you see such and such on the news? Or did you hear so and so has cancer? Yep, stage 4. Debbie downers I think they are called. I remember I would focus on such stories and used to watch so many shows about murder, crime, etc The First 48, Cold Case Files, etc. I used to tell myself it's just feeding the Jodie Foster in me, the girl who wanted to be a forensic psychologist (for like 20 min) but really it's feeding a dysfunction within me. I could watch episode after episode of this and I would just feed off of it wanting more. Perhaps you two have that show you get sucked into? I am not saying the getting sucked into is a bad thing if you know it's not making you feel depressed agitated or you are using it to avoid sitting with something. For me, these shows were a way to avoid emotions, to zone out in someone else's pain so I wouldn't have to feel my own. We are not safe. The irony is the acceptance of this will make us safe. We recognize we cannot protect our ego, nor our own story we are so attached to and we experience freedom. We are then free to be who we want to be, to let our mind relax because there is nothing to figure out, and we can just abide in the wonderful state of being. Of living. Of loving. We are not safe. We are raw and vulnerable. We are unprotected. There is no place that is safe - except out of the mind and into the heart, into the breath. We can't think our way there. I spent much of my life trying to make myself safe. This was my pattern. And I still see it coming out at times. It's been with me a long time. The fact is all that trying never made me feel safe. And life will throw curveballs into your face whether to you personally or in the world at large like Sandy Hook and remind you that yes, even YOU are not safe. My tendency when I would feel unsafe would be to do whatever I could immediately to feel safe. This would involve jumping from relationship to relationship usually, latching on to someone to feel secure. I was fairly promiscuous when I was younger so it wasn't always a relationship but sex. Sometimes just keeping myself so busy I was never just alone with my own thoughts. And for a time doing whatever I could to not be sober - smoking pot, drinking, doing drugs - experiencing life from an altered state. Also eating unhealthy - sweets and carbs to numb me and depress me further when vegetables in particularly and healthier foods triggered my metabolism and the churning of these stuck emotions. These last 4 or 5 months have been the longest I've spent alone, without a relationship, no sex - just me and my feelings and thoughts a lot of the time. None of my avoidances made me truly feel safe. None of it healed me or helped me to deal with the powerful emotions I was putting aside. So here I am a mother. Something about being a mother has made me finally accept that no, I am not safe. I will never be. I have this amazing child I love unconditionally - I don't even have to try, it just is there. Not that I had to try to love Josh when I was in a relationship with him but in many ways I realize I loved him safely - I wasn't completely vulnerable and honest in my thoughts, feelings as I have been with Julian. I don't want my patterns to be Julian's. I don't want dysfunction based around trauma that happened many years ago to be a part of my life now. I am no longer living that trauma. Julian as part of living in this world will I'm sure have his own trauma to sort out and if I've got mine sorted out I can be the mother he needs when he needs me. I've felt anger lately that I can't point toward a reason. It's an anger that's been there. I think it's a sign of a change and letting go that is happening as I recognize I'm not safe and let myself feel what I haven't felt. It's causing my relationships to shift. It's causing me to realize my own strength. Many of my friends and students ask about my blog, when am I writing again, and share that I have a gift. They say that I am stronger than I realize. I believe both of these things are true. This bad ass is becoming more bad ass! I've always said things but often without thinking, and from an emotionally ungrounded place. As I let myself feel what I need to feel, and I think finally because I am grounded in my emotions, where before I was not, I am going to have the confidence to speak what I have not spoken. And it may surprise people what they hear. There's some people in my life where this patterning has been playing out for some time now and that has to change. It's easier to say it on here than to say it in person. One thing I am becoming more comfortable speaking about is my role as a mother. I could easily tell you how hard it is, and complain about what I have to do, but instead I will tell you how it has made me strong and how I am doing the things I didn't think I'd be doing, but I'm a better parent for it. I thought I would wear my baby everywhere. Julian has been worn in the carrier a handful of times but not many. It's just easier and more natural to pick him up so I do that. I thought I'd never co sleep. We've been co sleeping since he was about 7 months. It's usually half the night in the crib half the night in the bed, but sometimes the full night in the bed with me. And some nights I would love the bed to myself but I'll admit I enjoy having him sleeping beside me and no I don't worry I am creating a habit I won't be able to break. I feed him whatever. Most days it's healthy but the other day he had some sugar cookie with m and ms in it and he loved it. I do not schedule him. We have somewhat of a routine but it's flexible and based on his cues - ie he's tired I try, for a nap, he doesn't go down, we do something else. Yes I've sat in the car if he fell asleep and waited to go into the grocery store so he could get a nap. I am still breastfeeding him on demand though it's less frequent these days and yes I still nurse him to sleep if that's what he wants. No I do not feel I am creating a kid who will never leave his mother's breast. I had thought I'd wean him at a year but to be honest, I don't know if that's when he'll be ready so again, I may be breastfeeding him longer than a year, he may stop next month. I am leaving it up to him and me. I have used TV to calm my kid down. It works when nothing else will. I have let him teethe on some things I know he shouldn't (like the ipod charger) but at that moment its what he really wants so be it. I haven't always told him consistently no with things but now he's definitely getting smarter so I do with the things I don't want him getting into. I am a parent who believes getting into things is a good way to explore though, so I let him make a huge mess with food. He wants to touch it all, mash it all, explore it all. I never gave him purees and offered him whatever he wanted that I was having from 7 months onward. I have had him around adults a lot, children too but he is very familiar with adults. I do not keep antibacterial wipes in my house, I wipe his snot on my shirt or take it off with my fingers sometimes, I take him to the store in clothes that may have dried quinoa or sweet potatoes on them, I have left him a locked running car sleeping while I run in to get coffee. I have very few parenting books in my house and if I do have them, I have probably not read them. We are not safe. So go on out there and drop your story, drop your patterning, drop your dysfunction and all the ways you've tried to protect and shield yourself from hurt and just say what you want to say, mean what you say you mean. Be honest. Be raw. Be vulnerable. Know every day you are not safe and see how it makes you life your life. And who knows, you may find that living with this knowledge has set you free. And here's an instant reminder folks - as I was posting this blog post I get a text from Josh in regards to me asking him to watch JJ so I can teach Thursday night. The text says Nice looking apartment would probably want us to move in Jan 1st. I text back, was that for *his girlfriends name* Answer yes, sorry mistext. I say so you two are moving in together and he says We are looking into it. Splitting rent. I call him up, I talk pretty honesty without getting too worked up telling him I want him to have a place for JJ and expressing my concerns to him as a friend about moving in so quickly and reminding him he finally has the opportunity to be on his own... in his own place... for the first time in his life. He lived in his parents house for a bit in between marriages but that was the house he grew up in. This could be HIS SPACE. I remember when I had my own.. in Rochester... 2002. One of the scariest thing I did in my life but best thing I ever did too. I had to ask... do you love her? He says I think I do. He's on his path, I'm on mine. Our son joins us. But I will tell you all... nothing is safe. Nothing. I'm a living testament to this. Everything I thought was safe in July is nowhere even freaking close to safe now. It hurts. I'm scared. I'm free. I trust all of this is for my highest and best and I'm living my way into it.

I own my mistakes

I am sitting in the Whole Foods parking lot typing out this blog in notes on my IPhone. Julian passed out in his car seat after an exciting couple hours at a new friends house while mama taught yoga. It's 230 and he's been up since 530 with maybe a 30 min cat nap around 9am so a mama has gotta do what a mama needs to do so her babe can sleep and she can get some real food into the house! I find myself embracing imperfection more. This fact that no I do not have it all together but that's fine. Confusion is clarity as my friend said today. She took a workshop where the teacher mentioned this and it makes such sense. It's only when we truly let it all go whether on our mat or off and we aren't sure where we are going but we know that we are on the path that things start to make sense. It's the imperfections, the journey itself, the day to day that matters more than the figuring it all out. Cause you know once we think we have it figured out life will throw a curveball to remind us we don't :) I had told a friend of mine last week that I'd take her dog out on Fri afternoon. Fri came, I taught yoga, I got busy with Julian, I'm heading out to my first yoga class in a week because Josh has been traveling and she calls - how's my puppy doing? Her dog is like her Julian if you know what I mean. And I found myself fumbling my words, starting to lie like I have witnessed people in my family do when they are caught so to speak, and then my mind goes "what the fuck? This is a good friend of mine" So I tell her I made a mistake. I completely forgot. No excuses. I forgot. I could tell she was of course upset. I kept apologizing perhaps too much but I felt awful! She made sure her dog was ok by calling another friend who lives nearby and then called me back to let me know and was very compassionate and kind saying it happens, people make mistakes. It happens. People make mistakes. Even me. I know this but I realize I have tried so hard not to make mistakes - and when I have caught other people in a mistake I have almost relished letting them know they messed up. Well at least the me before my life got turned upside down did these things. Getting caught in a mistake this past week was a perfect opportunity to see how perfectly flawed I am and that the amazing thing is people still love me for it. This friend is still my friend. I feel I've always thought that making a mistake means people won't love you anymore. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, and your role is the one who's "perfect" and that holds the family together, you deep down do believe that you messing up means the ruin of those around you and the loss of their love. Oh childhood. So in the past I would try to lie my way through mistakes, cover them up, hide them. I would try so hard not to make a mistake. Trying so hard made me feel so locked up in a way, walking on eggshells around my own emotions which is probably why I was so ungrounded in them when I did feel them. I wasn't able to just feel relaxed with who I am. I was more rigid and judgmental of myself and others and less passionate, creative, fun, spontaneous, sensual. It was great to make this small mistake. To know I will make many more. Especially as a parent. To know I am still loved. Realizing I am perfect in my imperfections as people say sets me free to have the life that I want. I don't have to settle because there's no shame around who I am - mistakes included - and when you aren't striving for perfect you can relax, intuition speaks louder, and divine guidance steps in. I am not religious, but yes, when you aren't striving for perfect you are connected with Spirit and this is an energy very much alive and very much a part of you. So to connect to it is to find and live your purpose. I am understanding that what serves me in a relationship is not just someone who is kind, loving, accepting, free - but someone who knows their emotions and can express them when the situation arises. I am done with dysfunction and games and living just outside and not at the heart of things. There's this book one of my teachers often refers to in yoga and I believe it's called Go In and In and yes, that's where I'm at now. I am recognizing that others aren't going to want to jump in like me and they may want to get their toes wet first and slowly work their way in and I am fine with that - as long as they are willing to go in. Those are the kind of people I need and want in my life. Life is too short for all the other bull shit. I will finally have the life I desire. And I have no idea what it looks like :)

Be And Be Not Afraid

It took stepping back on my mat and replenishing my cup last Sunday, but I was able to ground myself again after a turbulent holiday week. Unlike many other practices that work to change you from the outside in, yoga truly lets the work come from the inside out. I have been feeling a shift within me that began around the time of the Open House and my emotional breakdown after being with family was the denouement so to speak, and now comes the insight. I think above all - dysfunction cannot continue. It's hold on me is done - in the sense I refuse to step into those patterns of dysfunction anymore. It's clear mine has always been the fix it, make everyone happy pattern. It's now time to see what makes me happy. To be selfish, as Josh told me the other day. I have always thought myself to be a selfish person but in many ways I never have been. I have been selfish in never being grounded in my emotions and letting these emotions run the lives of others, and not just my own. I make my emotional turmoil theirs. I have not had my own emotional grounding. When a shift happens and you can feel the other side, there's always a fear of going back. You aren't even sure of where you've ended up but you know it's better than where you were. Yet I am noticing already that when these patterns of dysfunction do come up, I am more aware to recognize them, hopefully not play them out, or at least know when I am and stop. Now to do this when I see my family again is another story but we'll get there when we get there... There's something about our families and being around them that makes these patterns of dysfunction ring loudly. It makes sense - they are who've shaped us and who we've spent much of our developing lives with! Josh and I are becoming friends. It is something that is happening without my effort or his - or whatever effort is there is organic. It makes Julian happy to have his Dad around more and it makes me happy to not have a huge wall there between us. I feel emotionally grounded to do this. My mind wants to attach to where the friendship will go but the fact is, it's going... I'm on the train... the destination isn't so important anymore. I feel I am someone with nothing left to lose - as I've lost everything I thought kept me safe - and now I realize I was never safe to begin with. And that brings me freedom and allows me to be truly alive. My pattern in relationships has been to take on the responsibility of anothers happiness even though they never asked me to. I then lose sight of my own. With our son, I've always been the one to text Josh Julian did this, here's this picture, this video, etc etc especially when he's traveling. I did it as a way to connect to him but also because I felt bad he wasn't able to be with his son. I realize this is his choice - to not continue our relationship - which unfortunately means less time with Julian. If a moment comes up that's particularly funny endearing or of interest then sure, mention it, send the picture or the video. But do not be responsible for his happiness or make our son a way to connect to him. So today when he was away for work I did not text all day. Evening time was coming and I thought why hasn't he called, doesn't he want to talk to JJ, etc etc and sure enough he texted asking if JJ was still up, could we face time. And he was. He enjoyed some moments with his son and I admit I started to tell about our day when he didn't ask - perhaps to fill the moment - when it didn't need to be filled because we were both enjoying JJ being JJ. I am learning. When I can relax and not play out my patterns, I am free to think, to feel, to be as I wish and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about it. I am learning to play the guitar cause it's fun. I love the new sensation on my fingers and now almost a numbness that comes where the callouses are. I am searching for an artist to begin work on my 5th tattoo - biggest and boldest yet - something I've always wanted to do, and an artist I can have in years to come to integrate the work I already have done. While each tattoo represents a time in my life of importance and growth, they aren't a work of art. And I want them to be. I want to be a work of art! And not in a selfish way but as an offering of beauty. This is how I felt after this uplifting workshop with Les Leventhal this weekend. It was a backbending workshop and physically I did things I had not done before and fell on my head and it was exhilarating and liberating. I was so blissed out I lost my car in the Boston Common parking garage and had to ride around with the attendant in the golf cart to find it! Les at one point during an intense moment looked right at me and said "not so fierce" and there was this voice that said "but I am fierce!" Now he wasn't saying I was not fierce but my mind went there. There was this light bulb that went off that said I don't have to try to be fierce - I already am fierce! Just by showing up in my life with my an open heart. An open heart, vulnerability - that's fierce! I think for so long I have put on this face of fierceness, this warrior look - and yes I am a warrior, I've been to hell and back - but that doesn't have to define me anymore. I can relax and just be and those who like it will like it, those who don't don't matter. Les also talked about the practice of heart opening moving you into a place of selflessness. He talked about how when we see a homeless person we may give them a dollar (which I did not that long ago!) but what if we instead said - what do you need? Now that is scary! That is from a place of total love! The giving of a dollar is love but it makes us feel good in some ways more, right? Now we ask a person what they need - and we are making it about the other person, and we are just a vessel - thy will be done. We don't ask cause we are afraid that someone will actually need something and what if we can't give... or what if we can? Les made the point that asking doesn't mean we have to deliver - we can decide when they reply if it's within our means or not. I had mentioned how gratitude is something I am looking to practice more of. Well, so is this what do you need. I want to ask this more. I want to look people in the eye. I don't want to shy away. I have nothing left to lose and tons to give. I picked this Tracy Chapman song to learn on the guitar, Be and Be Not Afraid and the lyrics didn't hit me until I started to learn the song. I believe in mistakes and accidents That the nature of life is chaos and confusion That man's rules of law and order may not stand I should be and be not afraid to reach for heaven I may think that I know the true hearts needs My pride may bring me low, unable to see No closer than yesterday, but tomorrow I may stand Be and be not afraid, to reach for heaven

A perfect mess

I swear sometimes I should just call this blog a shit storm. Just when I think I am grounded have got it figured out I'm firing on all cylinders, boom, I fall flat on my face. I was feeling great after my last blog post. I spent that week feeling so alive and connected with others and just having these great insights about my relationship with Josh. I felt resolved that I had figured out what I had learned from him and what I needed to put into practice - so much resolve that I felt completely ok with it all. I had my house warming party to look forward to this past weekend, my birthday, thanksgiving with my family. How quickly a week can change and leave me feeling emotionally ungrounded, sad, and just not wanting to be where I was. I've always been emotional. I thought this to be a strength of mine - to be in touch with my emotions, to know them, and to be able to see emotions in others. I think it is a strength - but a weakness too when I am not grounded in my emotions. This has been a great problem of mine - not being grounded in my emotions - for some time. It would come and go but always in a love relationship with another, I'd lose my footing at some point. I felt Josh was good for me in that he is a live and let live kind of person. He will tell you he's not very emotional which is true in a sense - but the fact is he does feel things very deeply but he doesn't express them always. Now me, I feel them, and I express them but in relationships often with drama and tears and feeling all over the place rather than grounded and clear. I feel this is what Josh has and was teaching me - how to be grounded in those emotions. Now here you have two people - one less emotional, but grounded in their emotions, another more emotional, and often ungrounded emotionally. You throw a baby into the mix and total chaos insues. I retreat further and further into myself, feeling unable to express my emotions clearly cause I am exhausted for one, and feeling so many different things all at once. I nit pick and nag expecting Josh to know what I am feeling or want or need without expressing it. Josh runs away because he's feeling emotionally ungrounded and there's no one there to ground him because I am all over the place. He can't express what he wants or needs either. We become very very alone when we need each other oh so much. And the relationship breaks and we're forced to learn how to be what we need to be in order to parent - to get what we need from ourselves rather than each other. Realizing all of this brought peace. I saw Josh this past Saturday as I got ready for my Open House and we shared an afternoon with the baby together and it was so nice. He sat with us in the kitchen while we had lunch, he played his guitar, the TV wasn't on constantly nor was he glued to his phone - he seemed to really take an interest. And we hung out on the porch and witnessed Julian climbing over the porch step together, for the first time. That was special. I was emotionally grounded during all of this - I felt strong and good. And then I had my Open House on Sunday and I had 30 or so people who came and Julian and I were surrounded by so much love. Then Monday comes. I am stuck in my head wondering what it all means - Josh taking an interest, being more present with us. I put pressure on myself about spending the holiday with the baby but without him. I make the holiday larger than life rather than just another day. I teach and am heading off to PA for Thanksgiving with the baby on my own, without Josh. I was emotional as he brought Julian to the studio after I taught and we both teared up as we said goodbye. I kept expecting something out of the movies were suddenly he's like, no I'm coming with you, but that didn't happen. I cried the whole way there - well the drive is about 6 hours so I didn't cry for the full 6 but I couldn't let go of this heaviness around my heart. Tuesday was my birthday and my parents took me out for lunch with the baby, I shopped a bit at my Mom's consignment store - it was really a lovely day. But no Josh. And Thanksgiving comes and a part of me is hoping he'll just show up at my parents house. But again, no Josh. And seeing my family wasn't a piece of cake to be honest. The baby brings so much joy to everyone. We witnessed him climbing up stairs for the first time. I took a video to send to Josh. Yet my family seemed to be falling into old patterns I thought had passed. I'm not responsible for their happiness nor do they claim me to be, but there is a part of me that does feel responsible. This is a role I took on as a child growing up in an alcoholic dysfunctional family - my actions keep the family together, bring happiness - that is what I learned. And being there this Thanksgiving, I had my brother who is dating a girl he's not truly happy with simply because he feels insecure. He admits this, yet he's willing to settle. My father who is unhappy his mother is living with them since Aug and keeps him from doing as often the things he moved to PA to do (fish, kayak with my mother, etc) drinks and isolates himself. My mother who is unhappy with having to do the majority of caregiving for my grandmother and misses being around her grandson throws her energy into the consignment shop she opened shortly before my grandmother moved in. And my Mom will joke with me and say I'm Dr. Phil and I do feel like that when I am home sometimes. I listen to the complaining and nitpicking and nagging my mother and father will often do to each other and about my Grandma, I'll listen to my brother talk about how he's always working, never making enough money, burning the candle at both ends... I love these people so much and they've always done what they could to help me and the baby. I want them to be happy so I offer suggestions, I try to offer a way out, knowing it's not up to me but to them, and deep down I feel they will continue to live unhappily because they don't feel they can choose different, and maybe they can't (move my grandmother out) but I am a firm firm believer in choosing your own situation and if you don't like it, deal with it, or choose something else. Advice I am trying to take! I come back on Friday emotionally drained and head off to Ray Lamantagne with a friend of mine who offered to take me. Amazing show. Any of you who know Ray Ray know he sings with such emotion. He sang this one song called A Lesson Learned which he said he couldn't sing for a long time on stage cause it was too close to home. I hear Josh singing this song and me being the one sung too... Well, the truth it fell so heavy Like a hammer through the room That I could choose another over her You always said I was an actor, baby Guess in truth you thought me just amateur That you never saw the signs That you never lost your grip Oh, come on now That's such a childish claim Now I wear the brand of traitor Don't it seem a bit absurd When it's clear I was so obviously framed When it's clear I was so obviously framed Now you act so surprised To hear what you already know And all you really had to do was ask I'd have told you straight away All those lies were truth And all that was false was fact Now you hold me close and hard But I was like a statue at most Refusing to acknowledge you'd been hurt Now you're clawing at my throat And you're crying all is lost But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt Well, the truth it fell so heavy Like a hammer through the room That I could choose another over her You always said I was an actor, baby Guess in truth you thought me just amateur Was it you who told me once Now looking back it seems surreal That all our mistakes are merely grist for the mill So why is it now after I had my fill Would you steal from me the sorrow that I've earned Shall we call this a lesson learned? Shall we call this a lesson learned? And I hear he spent Thanksgiving with his new girlfriend at her uncle's and she met his parents for a bit and I just lose it... I get stuck in my story of wanting somebody to please come save me, to take all this away to make me feel whole again instead of a bunch of shattered pieces...to just love me. I feel like a child again, a sad little girl, seeking out affection. And luckily for me Josh doesn't give in.. He didn't give me a gift from Julian to me for my birthday like he did last year. He didn't show up unexpectedly at my parents on Thanksgiving. There are no grand gestures no words to make it ok - he is not the knight in shining armor. I am left bruised and battered and feeling utterly helpless and consumed with my own pain, my own story, feeling so depleted. All the sweets and carbs and lack of yoga this past week didn't help either! I teach a lot this weekend. I let myself cry a lot. I let myself feel the nausea, the pain the utter sense of hopelesslness in my body. The feeling that all is lost. The sense of regret. Of realizing my own mistakes - of taking someone for granted and not being grateful for that relationship and putting the responsibility of my own happiness on them and having my own agenda and just never truly letting them see me and feel me and letting myself love them and them love me. Now I wasn't always this way with Josh but it did happen at some point. There's this little girl in me at 33 who is still waiting for someone to come save her, to take away her tears and her pain, to always keep her safe and you know, that knight is not coming. That childhood has ended. And I never truly believed all that psychoanalytical crap about mourning your inner child and all that, but I have found some truth to it. This being emotional ungrounded that comes with my love relationship and not being able to vocalize my feelings and resorting to crying and smothering and fear is doing me no good. I want this woman I've become to know and use her voice. To not just write but vocalize her truth. I was blessed to do a private today with three lovely ladies and afterward we are having tea and cookies - so sweet - and chatting. One of the ladies there tells a story about a bridal shower where the woman's family is from Mississippi (or some of them at least) and that the shower gift they are giving for the bridal shower is a bar of Zest soap wrapped up with a nice message on the front and just how tacky was that that it was Zest... and I don't say much - well the rest of us ladies don't say much - but we giggle and laugh a bit but I do say "at least it's an A for effort" cause inside I'm thinking man, at least this woman tried to pull something together, who cares if it's Zest really, I wouldn't... but I don't come out and say what I'm really feeling cause frankly I just met most of these ladies but also I don't know what they'd do with my different opinion and it's easier to just agree and nod my head but inside I'm like, I am so not that girl!! What am I doing!!! And this I realize is the girl who gets into relationships and plays it safe but is so much more interesting when she does not. I'm learning this but it's so hard to put into practice. So I come back to this email on Thanksgiving I received that is about gratitude. And it is making me believe that gratitude is the answer to my problems, the answer to this loss of self I mourn, the answer to what I want in the future - I am starting to believe that gratitude is ALWAYS the answer. Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. So here's to my next year around the sun - a year of giving thanks for all that's come before, for all that I do have, for all that will come.

Press pause

Some weeks it seems the flood gates are just wide open and I get more than one blog post in a week because realizations are coming and I can't keep myself from writing. After I wrote my last blog post No Distractions on Monday, I was reading old blog posts and remembered I started this blog when I returned from India in 2009, right at the very beginning of my relationship with Josh - the first 6 months. Reading those posts showed a relationship in many ways vastly different in roles than it is now. I was the one feeling more insecure scared unable to trust while Josh was the one being more open. Or at least that was the perception then. And I feel right now I am the one wide open, vulnerable and raw, sad and blissful at the same time, not safe at all, and he is the one closed off to emotion, shut down, playing it safe. I was really struck by it all as I read and decided to call him after about 15 min or so of picking up the phone, putting it down. We see each other a few times or more a week cause of Julian, but we text to correspond and I haven't called him just to call him in.... I don't know how long. So I decided to do it cause I felt it was what I wanted to do. And he picked up. And I talked for about 15 min and he listened not saying much, and then said that he had to go, but if I wanted to talk again soon, we could. Saying that to a Scorpio is like turning on Niagara Falls! And if he knows me, which I feel he does, he knows this - I was hooked. I don't think he intended to be manipulative - but it was. He was unconsciously playing with my emotions by telling me I could talk to him which I desperately want to do - but also not opening up himself. I have a feeling he learned this well from someone very close to him. It has worked on me in our relationship and it was working yesterday and today. Till I paused. Yesterday was a day the Universe spoke loudly to me. About a month ago I was teaching at South Boston Yoga and a man and his traveling companion took my class. They were jovial nice yoga loving guys. He was visiting his son and grandson named Ananda in Boston. I wished them well. Here we are a month later and I'm visiting a friend of mine and her son in Davis Square. We sit with our babies next to a couple with their baby. Conversation strikes and we learn their son is named Ananda. I think this is too different of a name to be a coincidence so I ask, and sure enough it's his dad I met a month before. He calls his dad right then to tell him. We all continued to chat and connect and it turns out he and his partner have been on again off again since the birth of their child - struggling too. And I find out this guy grew up a few towns over from where I did, and the girl rowed crew as I did. So I invite them to this Open House I am having Sunday and as it turns out his Dad is in town and will come too! This guy is an artist who teaches yoga and art and meditation and I go on his web site, and he's been to India! So of course the mind wants to make a story out of all of this... Josh saying I could talk to him means this, this guy who loves yoga and meditation and who I can clearly see I'd have something to talk about and it would be so much easier to communicate with and who understands what it means to be a parent means this... After I emailed him inviting he and his partner and their child to the Open House and I'm waiting all day to see if he emails back wondering what will he say.... I'm thinking of Josh all day searching online about emotional repression, narcisistic mothers, scorpio capricorn astrology texting him about it and even thinking of being so bold to just text him "hey the baby is asleep. wanna fuck?" Excuse my french. I actually have my sex drive back post baby even with my lack of sleep but alas! And truly I just desire that connection so bad as much as I am afraid of going there with someone. I am being brutally honest here... Suddenly I'm like what the hell is going on? I pause, I breath and I reel myself back in. I read the Daily Om a friend sent to me yesterday which struck home when it said "There are people whose psychological problems prohibit them from having a long lasting relationship. These people are married to their pathology - their story. You chasing them will not break their defenses, resistances and impairment" Hello, wake up call. Truth be told I still love Josh so very much. Truth be told I want my family to be whole and intact so very much. Truth be told it can't happen unless Josh is emotionally available. I've done my work, I'm doing my work, and I'm just glad I have yoga and my community and the love and support around me to keep me in check. I may stumble, I may even falter a bit, but luckily it hasn't been too much of a detriment. I know I'm doing the best I can. Josh said when we talked on Tuesday he's simply trying to move forward. The truth is we don't have to try to move forward at all - life is happening. Julian is a beautiful reminder of that. Life moves forward without any action of ours at all. So the more we can sit and press pause and reflect on our feelings, our actions, our state of happiness or lack thereof, and then act accordingly, the better we will be for it.