A perfect mess

I swear sometimes I should just call this blog a shit storm. Just when I think I am grounded have got it figured out I'm firing on all cylinders, boom, I fall flat on my face. I was feeling great after my last blog post. I spent that week feeling so alive and connected with others and just having these great insights about my relationship with Josh. I felt resolved that I had figured out what I had learned from him and what I needed to put into practice - so much resolve that I felt completely ok with it all. I had my house warming party to look forward to this past weekend, my birthday, thanksgiving with my family. How quickly a week can change and leave me feeling emotionally ungrounded, sad, and just not wanting to be where I was. I've always been emotional. I thought this to be a strength of mine - to be in touch with my emotions, to know them, and to be able to see emotions in others. I think it is a strength - but a weakness too when I am not grounded in my emotions. This has been a great problem of mine - not being grounded in my emotions - for some time. It would come and go but always in a love relationship with another, I'd lose my footing at some point. I felt Josh was good for me in that he is a live and let live kind of person. He will tell you he's not very emotional which is true in a sense - but the fact is he does feel things very deeply but he doesn't express them always. Now me, I feel them, and I express them but in relationships often with drama and tears and feeling all over the place rather than grounded and clear. I feel this is what Josh has and was teaching me - how to be grounded in those emotions. Now here you have two people - one less emotional, but grounded in their emotions, another more emotional, and often ungrounded emotionally. You throw a baby into the mix and total chaos insues. I retreat further and further into myself, feeling unable to express my emotions clearly cause I am exhausted for one, and feeling so many different things all at once. I nit pick and nag expecting Josh to know what I am feeling or want or need without expressing it. Josh runs away because he's feeling emotionally ungrounded and there's no one there to ground him because I am all over the place. He can't express what he wants or needs either. We become very very alone when we need each other oh so much. And the relationship breaks and we're forced to learn how to be what we need to be in order to parent - to get what we need from ourselves rather than each other. Realizing all of this brought peace. I saw Josh this past Saturday as I got ready for my Open House and we shared an afternoon with the baby together and it was so nice. He sat with us in the kitchen while we had lunch, he played his guitar, the TV wasn't on constantly nor was he glued to his phone - he seemed to really take an interest. And we hung out on the porch and witnessed Julian climbing over the porch step together, for the first time. That was special. I was emotionally grounded during all of this - I felt strong and good. And then I had my Open House on Sunday and I had 30 or so people who came and Julian and I were surrounded by so much love. Then Monday comes. I am stuck in my head wondering what it all means - Josh taking an interest, being more present with us. I put pressure on myself about spending the holiday with the baby but without him. I make the holiday larger than life rather than just another day. I teach and am heading off to PA for Thanksgiving with the baby on my own, without Josh. I was emotional as he brought Julian to the studio after I taught and we both teared up as we said goodbye. I kept expecting something out of the movies were suddenly he's like, no I'm coming with you, but that didn't happen. I cried the whole way there - well the drive is about 6 hours so I didn't cry for the full 6 but I couldn't let go of this heaviness around my heart. Tuesday was my birthday and my parents took me out for lunch with the baby, I shopped a bit at my Mom's consignment store - it was really a lovely day. But no Josh. And Thanksgiving comes and a part of me is hoping he'll just show up at my parents house. But again, no Josh. And seeing my family wasn't a piece of cake to be honest. The baby brings so much joy to everyone. We witnessed him climbing up stairs for the first time. I took a video to send to Josh. Yet my family seemed to be falling into old patterns I thought had passed. I'm not responsible for their happiness nor do they claim me to be, but there is a part of me that does feel responsible. This is a role I took on as a child growing up in an alcoholic dysfunctional family - my actions keep the family together, bring happiness - that is what I learned. And being there this Thanksgiving, I had my brother who is dating a girl he's not truly happy with simply because he feels insecure. He admits this, yet he's willing to settle. My father who is unhappy his mother is living with them since Aug and keeps him from doing as often the things he moved to PA to do (fish, kayak with my mother, etc) drinks and isolates himself. My mother who is unhappy with having to do the majority of caregiving for my grandmother and misses being around her grandson throws her energy into the consignment shop she opened shortly before my grandmother moved in. And my Mom will joke with me and say I'm Dr. Phil and I do feel like that when I am home sometimes. I listen to the complaining and nitpicking and nagging my mother and father will often do to each other and about my Grandma, I'll listen to my brother talk about how he's always working, never making enough money, burning the candle at both ends... I love these people so much and they've always done what they could to help me and the baby. I want them to be happy so I offer suggestions, I try to offer a way out, knowing it's not up to me but to them, and deep down I feel they will continue to live unhappily because they don't feel they can choose different, and maybe they can't (move my grandmother out) but I am a firm firm believer in choosing your own situation and if you don't like it, deal with it, or choose something else. Advice I am trying to take! I come back on Friday emotionally drained and head off to Ray Lamantagne with a friend of mine who offered to take me. Amazing show. Any of you who know Ray Ray know he sings with such emotion. He sang this one song called A Lesson Learned which he said he couldn't sing for a long time on stage cause it was too close to home. I hear Josh singing this song and me being the one sung too... Well, the truth it fell so heavy Like a hammer through the room That I could choose another over her You always said I was an actor, baby Guess in truth you thought me just amateur That you never saw the signs That you never lost your grip Oh, come on now That's such a childish claim Now I wear the brand of traitor Don't it seem a bit absurd When it's clear I was so obviously framed When it's clear I was so obviously framed Now you act so surprised To hear what you already know And all you really had to do was ask I'd have told you straight away All those lies were truth And all that was false was fact Now you hold me close and hard But I was like a statue at most Refusing to acknowledge you'd been hurt Now you're clawing at my throat And you're crying all is lost But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt Well, the truth it fell so heavy Like a hammer through the room That I could choose another over her You always said I was an actor, baby Guess in truth you thought me just amateur Was it you who told me once Now looking back it seems surreal That all our mistakes are merely grist for the mill So why is it now after I had my fill Would you steal from me the sorrow that I've earned Shall we call this a lesson learned? Shall we call this a lesson learned? And I hear he spent Thanksgiving with his new girlfriend at her uncle's and she met his parents for a bit and I just lose it... I get stuck in my story of wanting somebody to please come save me, to take all this away to make me feel whole again instead of a bunch of shattered pieces...to just love me. I feel like a child again, a sad little girl, seeking out affection. And luckily for me Josh doesn't give in.. He didn't give me a gift from Julian to me for my birthday like he did last year. He didn't show up unexpectedly at my parents on Thanksgiving. There are no grand gestures no words to make it ok - he is not the knight in shining armor. I am left bruised and battered and feeling utterly helpless and consumed with my own pain, my own story, feeling so depleted. All the sweets and carbs and lack of yoga this past week didn't help either! I teach a lot this weekend. I let myself cry a lot. I let myself feel the nausea, the pain the utter sense of hopelesslness in my body. The feeling that all is lost. The sense of regret. Of realizing my own mistakes - of taking someone for granted and not being grateful for that relationship and putting the responsibility of my own happiness on them and having my own agenda and just never truly letting them see me and feel me and letting myself love them and them love me. Now I wasn't always this way with Josh but it did happen at some point. There's this little girl in me at 33 who is still waiting for someone to come save her, to take away her tears and her pain, to always keep her safe and you know, that knight is not coming. That childhood has ended. And I never truly believed all that psychoanalytical crap about mourning your inner child and all that, but I have found some truth to it. This being emotional ungrounded that comes with my love relationship and not being able to vocalize my feelings and resorting to crying and smothering and fear is doing me no good. I want this woman I've become to know and use her voice. To not just write but vocalize her truth. I was blessed to do a private today with three lovely ladies and afterward we are having tea and cookies - so sweet - and chatting. One of the ladies there tells a story about a bridal shower where the woman's family is from Mississippi (or some of them at least) and that the shower gift they are giving for the bridal shower is a bar of Zest soap wrapped up with a nice message on the front and just how tacky was that that it was Zest... and I don't say much - well the rest of us ladies don't say much - but we giggle and laugh a bit but I do say "at least it's an A for effort" cause inside I'm thinking man, at least this woman tried to pull something together, who cares if it's Zest really, I wouldn't... but I don't come out and say what I'm really feeling cause frankly I just met most of these ladies but also I don't know what they'd do with my different opinion and it's easier to just agree and nod my head but inside I'm like, I am so not that girl!! What am I doing!!! And this I realize is the girl who gets into relationships and plays it safe but is so much more interesting when she does not. I'm learning this but it's so hard to put into practice. So I come back to this email on Thanksgiving I received that is about gratitude. And it is making me believe that gratitude is the answer to my problems, the answer to this loss of self I mourn, the answer to what I want in the future - I am starting to believe that gratitude is ALWAYS the answer. Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. So here's to my next year around the sun - a year of giving thanks for all that's come before, for all that I do have, for all that will come.

Press pause

Some weeks it seems the flood gates are just wide open and I get more than one blog post in a week because realizations are coming and I can't keep myself from writing. After I wrote my last blog post No Distractions on Monday, I was reading old blog posts and remembered I started this blog when I returned from India in 2009, right at the very beginning of my relationship with Josh - the first 6 months. Reading those posts showed a relationship in many ways vastly different in roles than it is now. I was the one feeling more insecure scared unable to trust while Josh was the one being more open. Or at least that was the perception then. And I feel right now I am the one wide open, vulnerable and raw, sad and blissful at the same time, not safe at all, and he is the one closed off to emotion, shut down, playing it safe. I was really struck by it all as I read and decided to call him after about 15 min or so of picking up the phone, putting it down. We see each other a few times or more a week cause of Julian, but we text to correspond and I haven't called him just to call him in.... I don't know how long. So I decided to do it cause I felt it was what I wanted to do. And he picked up. And I talked for about 15 min and he listened not saying much, and then said that he had to go, but if I wanted to talk again soon, we could. Saying that to a Scorpio is like turning on Niagara Falls! And if he knows me, which I feel he does, he knows this - I was hooked. I don't think he intended to be manipulative - but it was. He was unconsciously playing with my emotions by telling me I could talk to him which I desperately want to do - but also not opening up himself. I have a feeling he learned this well from someone very close to him. It has worked on me in our relationship and it was working yesterday and today. Till I paused. Yesterday was a day the Universe spoke loudly to me. About a month ago I was teaching at South Boston Yoga and a man and his traveling companion took my class. They were jovial nice yoga loving guys. He was visiting his son and grandson named Ananda in Boston. I wished them well. Here we are a month later and I'm visiting a friend of mine and her son in Davis Square. We sit with our babies next to a couple with their baby. Conversation strikes and we learn their son is named Ananda. I think this is too different of a name to be a coincidence so I ask, and sure enough it's his dad I met a month before. He calls his dad right then to tell him. We all continued to chat and connect and it turns out he and his partner have been on again off again since the birth of their child - struggling too. And I find out this guy grew up a few towns over from where I did, and the girl rowed crew as I did. So I invite them to this Open House I am having Sunday and as it turns out his Dad is in town and will come too! This guy is an artist who teaches yoga and art and meditation and I go on his web site, and he's been to India! So of course the mind wants to make a story out of all of this... Josh saying I could talk to him means this, this guy who loves yoga and meditation and who I can clearly see I'd have something to talk about and it would be so much easier to communicate with and who understands what it means to be a parent means this... After I emailed him inviting he and his partner and their child to the Open House and I'm waiting all day to see if he emails back wondering what will he say.... I'm thinking of Josh all day searching online about emotional repression, narcisistic mothers, scorpio capricorn astrology texting him about it and even thinking of being so bold to just text him "hey the baby is asleep. wanna fuck?" Excuse my french. I actually have my sex drive back post baby even with my lack of sleep but alas! And truly I just desire that connection so bad as much as I am afraid of going there with someone. I am being brutally honest here... Suddenly I'm like what the hell is going on? I pause, I breath and I reel myself back in. I read the Daily Om a friend sent to me yesterday which struck home when it said "There are people whose psychological problems prohibit them from having a long lasting relationship. These people are married to their pathology - their story. You chasing them will not break their defenses, resistances and impairment" Hello, wake up call. Truth be told I still love Josh so very much. Truth be told I want my family to be whole and intact so very much. Truth be told it can't happen unless Josh is emotionally available. I've done my work, I'm doing my work, and I'm just glad I have yoga and my community and the love and support around me to keep me in check. I may stumble, I may even falter a bit, but luckily it hasn't been too much of a detriment. I know I'm doing the best I can. Josh said when we talked on Tuesday he's simply trying to move forward. The truth is we don't have to try to move forward at all - life is happening. Julian is a beautiful reminder of that. Life moves forward without any action of ours at all. So the more we can sit and press pause and reflect on our feelings, our actions, our state of happiness or lack thereof, and then act accordingly, the better we will be for it.

No distractions

About a week or two ago, I decided it was time to get rid of as many distractions as I could that were keeping me from truly sitting with the emotions and thoughts that have been coming up for me. This decision came about after I was out driving on a Sunday morning with the baby to get groceries for the week and who do I see driving by me? Josh and his new girlfriend who I know. Ugh. Now I suppose I should have referred to him as my boyfriend or my ex months ago when he's been mentioned in here, but as you all know, I am not much of a private person, and he hasn't made a big stink about it, so Josh he remains. Anyway, I cried underneath my sunglasses on a gorgeous morning truly not caring who could see I was crying at this point, posted something about it on facebook, and my Mom called me and gave me a great reminder - that I had the best of Josh in Julian, and that really hit home for me. No matter what happened between us our son is the best of him and me. It was something about seeing the two of them together - the Universe giving me this great reminder that YES this is YOUR LIFE that I decided it was time to get rid of distractions. I unfriended him on facebook that day. He doesn't post much on facebook but when I'd get on there on my iphone I'd check his profile and see if there was anything new, and then I'd search for his new girlfriend, who I am not friends with on FB but I know, and then just seeing her would make me want to puke... you know the drill :) I also took the facebook application completely off my smart phone because I felt I was using facebook as a way to communicate with him and with others, without truly communicating, if you know what I mean? It's much easier to say something on Facebook than it is in person! It's much easier to text or email than it is to talk face to face or call on the phone. Facebook has been a huge source of comfort for me during this time of great change but I'm at a more grounded place now where I feel I need to process all of what's coming up and truly communicate with myself first, and then with others. This blog also has been a huge outlet for me during this but I feel continuing to write here, helps others, and there's no hidden agenda like there could be by posting or going onto facebook. So how has my life changed since no facebook? My hands hurt less! LOL I was glued to it on my phone and now my phone may still be nearby but I play music a lot more. I dance more. I interact with my son more. I am happier. I am discovering things I've wanted to do for a long time - like learn to play guitar. I went and bought myself expensive sexy bra and underwear for my upcoming birthday because even though I have no one to wear it for I'm wearing it for myself! That's a whole other blog post in itself... to be continued... I printed pictures I've wanted to for a long time and bought frames and hung them and feel so happy every time I see them! I'm finding I'm still connected with those that matter even without FB and even more connected actually. Life is happening and I'm IN it rather than trying to just capture it or observe it. No distractions has caused me to understand the feeling of truly missing someone. I was teaching the other day and I wasn't sad or thinking about Josh in particular but all of a sudden it was like BOOM I miss him. My emotions are becoming much more clearer. I also cut out all (well most) of my trips to the Portuguese and Brazilian bakery and more than one cup a day coffee because yes those too are distractions. I am watching for when I am treating myself because I am being good to myself and I am treating myself so I can push or shove an emotion down. I'm getting a better understanding of what I want though I don't know entirely. I am realizing I am still very much a passionate woman - she has not been lost - and I'm sharing that with those around me. I am understanding that I've had this tendency to stop being myself in relationships and that needs to stop. I'm understanding I have this great fear of failure but that isn't going to stop me from trying. I think I always tried to eliminate the fear - it can't be eliminated but by acknowledging it and still trying I'm giving it voice and living with courage. So that's what no distractions as been bringing. Keep it coming!

Pain is a good teacher

"My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding" I have this passage from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran on my fridge. It was first introduced to me about 5 years ago during a Compassionate Teaching workshop with Sue Jones. Coincidently I was assisting one of these workshops the day Josh and I went on our first date. This passage resonated with me then but I don't think I fully grasped its meaning until recently. It's been 3 months since I've been broken up from Josh, two of them living alone in this new space. This is the longest time in awhile, years, that I've gone without a relationship or dating or sex or just some connection on that level. In the past I'd try to have a distraction while I eased out of one relationship in search of another. There are no distractions this time. When you first ease out of a relationship, especially if you are the one who wasn't intending on it ending, your emotions are all over the place. I was a mess that first month, just trying to hold on. I was resisting what I saw before me as my life and just wanted to go back to what felt safe, even if I knew it was dysfunctional. Change doesn't stop for anyone though, so things kept shifting till there was a solid break. Acceptance began to set in once I began to see that yes, this was my life, no getting around it. With acceptance comes strength and courage and bravery - and a connection back to self. That's where I'm at now. It's a good place. It's also a very painful place - I think more painful than the initial realization that things are changing. My friends will often say Josh is such an asshole, you deserve better, you can meet someone who appreciates you, etc etc This may be true. The grass is always greener on the other side - until you get to the other side. I'm not saying this means I should hope for Josh and I to get back together. I am saying that I understand he is a person on his own journey and none of his actions toward me were malicious. Byron Katie has said that when you accuse or blame another person for something you believe they did to turn it around on yourself - ie You don't listen, becomes I don't listen. You were emotionally unavailable, becomes I was emotionally unavailable. This is hard work but it's helped me to see where I've made mistakes. It's helped me to let go of anger, to honor my hurt. It's caused me to really sit with my pain. My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding. I have taken this to mean that without such pain I've never known love. The pain I am feeling now is like a dull ache that is just always there - sometimes I am sitting right in it, other times I am aware it's there but can distract from it. It's not sharp or shooting. That sharp shooting pain is really the pain of resistance, non acceptance. It doesn't last. This pain lasts - for how long, possibly forever. It seems the ache might lessen over time but not go away completely. It's a pain in which I am able to recognize that I loved another, perhaps not well, but completely. That's an understanding that I did need. So if anything, I take that away. This is also an understanding that comes with being a mother. Julian has been moving everywhere these days, getting bruises, bumps, falls... and I realize the importance even more so of being fully present with him. I find myself more frustrated these days and this frustration is really my realization I can't keep him safe. And that dull ache comes back and the pain sets in amongst this intense joy around his curiosity and independence and fearlessness and I realize - this is love. I do know love after all. I know it very well. My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding.

The guilt trap

This weekend was lovely! I was able to have some babe free mama time celebrating a friends 40th on Saturday and seeing the Cantata Singers at the Longy School of Music. At the friends 40th, I was surrounded with so many people I would not have met, if it had not been for Josh. I met them through the aikido community. And here they were, my friends, and Josh was not there celebrating. Nor was the girl he is seeing who is part of this community. It was only as awkward as I allowed it to be. Clearly some people weren't quite sure how to act around me, but most treated me like their friend, and not some person who needed their pity. I went to a concert at the Longy School Sunday one of my yoga students was in and this was so a new experience for me. I was surrounded by people who were more educated than me in the academic sense - I know virtually nothing about classical music. Yet here I was listening to these soloist for the most part (at times they would sing together) singing in their soprano, tenor, barritone voices. And it was beautiful! The beauty for me lay in how they were sharing their gift with an audience - not shying away from their own light. They were connected to Spirit - whatever we conceive that to be - but it's that moment that when connected we shine and we are just being, rather than thinking our way through or feeding our egos. I was humbled by their courage and bravery, though for some it may be easier to stand up there and shine, but for many of us, we are afraid of our own light. Marianne Williamson says that's what scares us the most - our own light, not our darkness. All of this brought me back to guilt which I've been thinking a lot about lately. I honestly can't think of much I harbor guilt around these days, but I do remember a time I felt extremely guilty. Guilt is beneficial in that it allows us to recognize our mistakes, but it becomes an act of self hatred when we act out of guilt, rather than doing what we truly want. We punish ourselves by acting out of guilt over and over. We don't discover our unique gifts or learn to act out of joy because of this. We have a hard time letting go of the guilt because the guilt is such a big part of our story, our past - who we define ourselves to be. It may even go deeper than that and the guilt is associated with this belief that we are a bad seed - not entitled to happiness or joy. A belief that was placed upon us when we were very young and unknowingly we let this belief become our own. We act on it thinking this is what we must do and instead not realizing we have a choice to believe something different! What an awful cycle. Acting out of guilt does not help anyone - certainly not yourself. Acting out of guilt is closely related to one I identify with - the acting to be nice or wanting to be perceived as nice. This, like acting of guilt, is done with the intention of trying to get something back. It may not be literally getting something back from the person you are performing the action to - but in the sense by acting out of guilt, you do something nice, you feel less guilty. It only lasts a short while and then you must do it again. As for acting to be nice, we are hoping the other person will take our actions as reason to give us what we want - usually their love. At the party I was at this weekend, a guy who recently broke up with his girlfriend said "but she's so nice!" and I said that's not a reason to date someone! Unfortunately I think Josh and I fell into this pattern and are continuing to play it out, though I'm much more aware of it than I used to be. When we first split, I found myself doing many nice things for him (and still do) because deep down I wanted him to love me again. Him loving me meant I was safe, which is often the end goal of someone acting out of being nice - to create that safe feeling. But he ended up seeing someone new and I'm thinking, why the hell was I being nice? Now, I don't want to be mean. But do I have to be nice? I'm no longer that girl who would make a scene because frankly while what he has done and is doing seems wrong to me and many others, he is a human being on his journey like I am, so respect he's doing the best he can and I know he isn't hurting me maliciously. Many people don't understand this and want to say "what an awful guy" and I get it - you are my friends, you love me. I'd want to stand up for my friends too. Yet I have been where he has been - I've been the person making mistakes, hurting others, screwing up. I just don't share those stories but if you wanna know, I'll tell you. I've hurt many people and done some major screwing up! I think it comes back to the guilt trap though. When I was feeling guilty about all these things and living in a pattern of self loathing and hatred for myself, these mistakes were all I'd focus on. And I acted out of guilt all the time - which got me into more bad relationships and situations and hurting more people. Vicious cycle! It stopped when I took responsibility for my actions and all that I had done. It stopped when I was able to say what has been done has been done. It stopped when I chose to believe something different about myself - I am not a bad seed, I deserve and can give love. It stopped when I became more compassionate to myself. It stopped when I faced my issues. And this allowed me to truly see what I wanted - and what I wanted could be mine. It allowed me to move forward with grace and dignity. Guilt is such a heavy burden to bear! Josh has been doing a lot of stuff to take care of me and Julian - financially, things we need from store, fixing things, etc etc But emotionally he has not been there. I get the sense he is acting out of guilt though he has not told me he is. I don't know if it's guilt around our situation or guilt from his previous relationships, or even childhood. It's probably both. But him acting out of guilt, if I am correct, makes me feel icky to be matter of fact. I wish he'd act out of what he truly wants. And maybe he is doing what he truly wants. I just don't know. If he is acting out of guilt I feel pity toward him. I remember what a burden guilt was for me to bear. So I want to do something nice to make him feel better, to fix it. I think I was doing it originally to win him back so to speak, but now I just want to stop his hurting. Yet when I do something nice it probably just makes him feel more guilty. What a pattern! So I am trying to be as conscious in my interactions with him but it is super super hard. I'm trying to not be nice all the time, but as I said I don't feel like being mean, so what do I be? Just me. And sometimes I am just thoughtful and that's ok. I'm trying to find that middle ground. And then perhaps this pattern will break and we'll be where we need to be. I find the pattern doesn't show up as much when I am not in a relationship but it's a pattern that has been very common to many of my relationships. So it's time to end the guilt trap, the being nice trap and just get to what I really want or believe or feel - and just plain do it and say it!

I am a single Mom

Single Mom. When I heard that word I thought of Jerry Springer to be honest. Women who have children whose fathers are not in the picture. Women who are loud and foul mouthed. Women who sleep around. I don't consider myself any of those things. Yet I am a single Mom. Josh would get defensive when I would tell him I felt like a single Mom. He'd say, I'm here, I watch JJ, I pay the bills, I help if you ask. All of that is true. What is missing, and has been missing for some time is the emotional support. I am definitely on my own when it comes to that. And frankly so is Josh. I thought we'd have each other to reach out to but that has not been the case. I began to find the emotional support elsewhere - in my yoga community, my friends, my family, other moms and dads. I don't feel alone anymore. I told my mother the other day I believe this whole situation happened for me and she laughed, but it's true. If this situation did not happen, I'd still feel emotionally unsupported and alone. What I remember about the summer is Julian and I holed up in my tiny apt in the bedroom. Now that all of this has happened, I feel emotionally free. Julian and I are thriving in our new space and creating many memories already and I've been having a Fall I'll remember. Josh told me last week he is seeing someone at his dojo who I know. It was another blow I wasn't expecting. Yet once I had time to process it, it made complete sense why they would be together right now, and why he and I are not. It also gave me the space to realize that while I may be financially tied to him currently, I don't have to be emotionally tied. I was recognizing it hurt more to see him than to not see him, and that I needed to take action for myself to heal even if that meant he would see his son less. I think during this whole situation I've catered to Josh and what Josh needed - I knew Julian was a great source of comfort and joy for him. I didn't really check in with what I needed. Well, him saying he was seeing someone caused me to do that. I've reached out to others to watch Julian so I can teach or take a yoga class and not surprisingly people have offered. I don't have to rely on Josh to do something without the baby as I once did. One of my friends said when I told her I couldn't pay her that she simply enjoyed being a part of our family and watching Julian grow. How blessed am I to have friends like that? I am not having to rely on Josh as much and it feels good. Then when he sees Julian it's a choice he's making rather than me saying "I need you to watch him" The financial piece will be slow to come as we both value my role as a mother and full time caregiver to Julian, but I've been subbing and looking at picking up more classes nearby. I am feeling really good about where I'm at despite my circumstances and the uncertainty of the future. Emotionally I am in a very good place. Do I still hurt? Of course! I hear a song, or visit a restaurant we'd go to, or see a picture of us, or remember a time we had fun together and my heart aches. I feel the emotion, I cry if I need to, and then I come back to the present, my reality, and the joy that exists there. I don't believe there can be great joy without great sadness and the two are coexisting for me right now. Truly they always are because that is one thing we parents who are emotionally in it get - the joy and sadness side by side. Day by day. I've never spent so much time as I am right now enjoying my life - cooking tons, sitting on my porch with Julian on a sunny afternoon, dancing with him around the apt, going for long walks, having people over, connecting.... connecting.... connecting! And Julian is so my buddy... we just know each other as two people who spend a lot of time together do. He is becoming such a loving independent high energy funny and joyful boy. I get upset when people tell me Julian is yours, he looks like you etc etc as if that will make me feel better or even matter. Julian has a Dad and I don't mind at all if I see Josh in him. Julian chose us as his parents and if he did, there's something to be said for that when I see how amazing he is. I know for myself there's a light in Josh that even if no one else saw it, I did. I don't think it's gone. But it's not up for me to find it or shine it again. I do hope he lets Julian see it. Julian needs a father. Yes a grounded Mom like myself is setting a good foundation but there's things a boy can learn from his father and which I hope Josh is ready to teach him. As for Josh and I, there is an us in that we will always be Julian's parents but the us is very different from what it was before. Do I still believe in love? You bet. I have no regrets for all my experiences brought me to right where I am today. I wouldn't change a thing, really. :)

Embracing uncertainty

Hello October! It's been one month since we've moved and we are thriving! Julian is cutting his first tooth this week, scooting all over, doing downward dogs and other yogi poses, babbling and eating solids and I'm happy and blessed. I don't know where Josh and I are going. Some days I feel and think this could work out and other days I don't think so. The fact is we are going somewhere - and only time will give more definition to what it looks like. I am happy that most of my friends don't ask and rather wait for me to talk about it if I want to - I can be with them and we can talk about the baby, teaching, a movie I saw, what I did this weekend, etc etc My mother is honestly the one who asks the most but it worries her this uncertainty, and I can understand. I have a child too and it would probably worry me. I've come to find though that I am actually starting to LIKE this uncertainty, this I don't know that is my life right now. Before this situation came about I thought my life would look a certain way. I was comfortable, happy enough, living, but not thriving. I was safe and now I am not safe. I am completely vulnerable. I like being in this place though because every day is a world of possibility. I feel I am connecting more, seeing people more, hearing people more. I am loving more deeply and living more deeply. Saying I don't know takes me out of my head, takes me out of the need to mask my feelings, to put on a happy face when I'm not happy, to try so hard. I feel I can be myself again, and really enjoy me, and figure out just what I want right now. This uncertainty has caused me to be a better mother, a better teacher, a better human. I would always say, you just don't know where life is going to take you, so live each moment, but now I do know - you just don't know! Julian is growing so fast but I feel I am enjoying each and every blissful moment. Yes, I was a bit sad when I felt that first tooth coming through but I was more excited. Here I am witnessing these milestones, and they will be with me forever. I can tell already that I will look at him when he is a man and remember these blissful moments, and I look forward to telling them to him. I am sad that Josh is not around more to share them with me, but I do feel we've shared some of them together. It has been more of a separate journey though as we each step into our roles of mother and father. I feel each of us is at our best when with our son because he brings out this amazing vulnerability and love within us. We recognize that our time with him is uncertain, that our love will only continue to grow, and that all we can really do is let go and enjoy the ride. Hold onto nothing. And embrace everything. Being a mother has made me realize I can only deal now with emotionally available people. I'm done with the games and the drama and the bull shit and I just want to be real and connect. Put down the masks folks. I think when Julian was first born we were both holding on so tight as parents, going through the motion, not embracing fully this love he's given us. And I know for me at least I'm embracing it - it's scary but it's too hard not to. And this love makes me more human and raw and messy and vulnerable than I ever thought possible. But it's ok. Every moment I spend with Julian tells me it's ok. Because he's every bit as raw and vulnerable and messy and loving it. I don't want to see that ever change about him and I am so grateful he has allowed me to be that way again. And now that I'm here I can't go back. There's only moving forward, and whomever is walking with me on that path. There's no doubt Julian will be there so at least I have a buddy!