No distractions

About a week or two ago, I decided it was time to get rid of as many distractions as I could that were keeping me from truly sitting with the emotions and thoughts that have been coming up for me. This decision came about after I was out driving on a Sunday morning with the baby to get groceries for the week and who do I see driving by me? Josh and his new girlfriend who I know. Ugh. Now I suppose I should have referred to him as my boyfriend or my ex months ago when he's been mentioned in here, but as you all know, I am not much of a private person, and he hasn't made a big stink about it, so Josh he remains. Anyway, I cried underneath my sunglasses on a gorgeous morning truly not caring who could see I was crying at this point, posted something about it on facebook, and my Mom called me and gave me a great reminder - that I had the best of Josh in Julian, and that really hit home for me. No matter what happened between us our son is the best of him and me. It was something about seeing the two of them together - the Universe giving me this great reminder that YES this is YOUR LIFE that I decided it was time to get rid of distractions. I unfriended him on facebook that day. He doesn't post much on facebook but when I'd get on there on my iphone I'd check his profile and see if there was anything new, and then I'd search for his new girlfriend, who I am not friends with on FB but I know, and then just seeing her would make me want to puke... you know the drill :) I also took the facebook application completely off my smart phone because I felt I was using facebook as a way to communicate with him and with others, without truly communicating, if you know what I mean? It's much easier to say something on Facebook than it is in person! It's much easier to text or email than it is to talk face to face or call on the phone. Facebook has been a huge source of comfort for me during this time of great change but I'm at a more grounded place now where I feel I need to process all of what's coming up and truly communicate with myself first, and then with others. This blog also has been a huge outlet for me during this but I feel continuing to write here, helps others, and there's no hidden agenda like there could be by posting or going onto facebook. So how has my life changed since no facebook? My hands hurt less! LOL I was glued to it on my phone and now my phone may still be nearby but I play music a lot more. I dance more. I interact with my son more. I am happier. I am discovering things I've wanted to do for a long time - like learn to play guitar. I went and bought myself expensive sexy bra and underwear for my upcoming birthday because even though I have no one to wear it for I'm wearing it for myself! That's a whole other blog post in itself... to be continued... I printed pictures I've wanted to for a long time and bought frames and hung them and feel so happy every time I see them! I'm finding I'm still connected with those that matter even without FB and even more connected actually. Life is happening and I'm IN it rather than trying to just capture it or observe it. No distractions has caused me to understand the feeling of truly missing someone. I was teaching the other day and I wasn't sad or thinking about Josh in particular but all of a sudden it was like BOOM I miss him. My emotions are becoming much more clearer. I also cut out all (well most) of my trips to the Portuguese and Brazilian bakery and more than one cup a day coffee because yes those too are distractions. I am watching for when I am treating myself because I am being good to myself and I am treating myself so I can push or shove an emotion down. I'm getting a better understanding of what I want though I don't know entirely. I am realizing I am still very much a passionate woman - she has not been lost - and I'm sharing that with those around me. I am understanding that I've had this tendency to stop being myself in relationships and that needs to stop. I'm understanding I have this great fear of failure but that isn't going to stop me from trying. I think I always tried to eliminate the fear - it can't be eliminated but by acknowledging it and still trying I'm giving it voice and living with courage. So that's what no distractions as been bringing. Keep it coming!

Pain is a good teacher

"My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding" I have this passage from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran on my fridge. It was first introduced to me about 5 years ago during a Compassionate Teaching workshop with Sue Jones. Coincidently I was assisting one of these workshops the day Josh and I went on our first date. This passage resonated with me then but I don't think I fully grasped its meaning until recently. It's been 3 months since I've been broken up from Josh, two of them living alone in this new space. This is the longest time in awhile, years, that I've gone without a relationship or dating or sex or just some connection on that level. In the past I'd try to have a distraction while I eased out of one relationship in search of another. There are no distractions this time. When you first ease out of a relationship, especially if you are the one who wasn't intending on it ending, your emotions are all over the place. I was a mess that first month, just trying to hold on. I was resisting what I saw before me as my life and just wanted to go back to what felt safe, even if I knew it was dysfunctional. Change doesn't stop for anyone though, so things kept shifting till there was a solid break. Acceptance began to set in once I began to see that yes, this was my life, no getting around it. With acceptance comes strength and courage and bravery - and a connection back to self. That's where I'm at now. It's a good place. It's also a very painful place - I think more painful than the initial realization that things are changing. My friends will often say Josh is such an asshole, you deserve better, you can meet someone who appreciates you, etc etc This may be true. The grass is always greener on the other side - until you get to the other side. I'm not saying this means I should hope for Josh and I to get back together. I am saying that I understand he is a person on his own journey and none of his actions toward me were malicious. Byron Katie has said that when you accuse or blame another person for something you believe they did to turn it around on yourself - ie You don't listen, becomes I don't listen. You were emotionally unavailable, becomes I was emotionally unavailable. This is hard work but it's helped me to see where I've made mistakes. It's helped me to let go of anger, to honor my hurt. It's caused me to really sit with my pain. My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding. I have taken this to mean that without such pain I've never known love. The pain I am feeling now is like a dull ache that is just always there - sometimes I am sitting right in it, other times I am aware it's there but can distract from it. It's not sharp or shooting. That sharp shooting pain is really the pain of resistance, non acceptance. It doesn't last. This pain lasts - for how long, possibly forever. It seems the ache might lessen over time but not go away completely. It's a pain in which I am able to recognize that I loved another, perhaps not well, but completely. That's an understanding that I did need. So if anything, I take that away. This is also an understanding that comes with being a mother. Julian has been moving everywhere these days, getting bruises, bumps, falls... and I realize the importance even more so of being fully present with him. I find myself more frustrated these days and this frustration is really my realization I can't keep him safe. And that dull ache comes back and the pain sets in amongst this intense joy around his curiosity and independence and fearlessness and I realize - this is love. I do know love after all. I know it very well. My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding.

The guilt trap

This weekend was lovely! I was able to have some babe free mama time celebrating a friends 40th on Saturday and seeing the Cantata Singers at the Longy School of Music. At the friends 40th, I was surrounded with so many people I would not have met, if it had not been for Josh. I met them through the aikido community. And here they were, my friends, and Josh was not there celebrating. Nor was the girl he is seeing who is part of this community. It was only as awkward as I allowed it to be. Clearly some people weren't quite sure how to act around me, but most treated me like their friend, and not some person who needed their pity. I went to a concert at the Longy School Sunday one of my yoga students was in and this was so a new experience for me. I was surrounded by people who were more educated than me in the academic sense - I know virtually nothing about classical music. Yet here I was listening to these soloist for the most part (at times they would sing together) singing in their soprano, tenor, barritone voices. And it was beautiful! The beauty for me lay in how they were sharing their gift with an audience - not shying away from their own light. They were connected to Spirit - whatever we conceive that to be - but it's that moment that when connected we shine and we are just being, rather than thinking our way through or feeding our egos. I was humbled by their courage and bravery, though for some it may be easier to stand up there and shine, but for many of us, we are afraid of our own light. Marianne Williamson says that's what scares us the most - our own light, not our darkness. All of this brought me back to guilt which I've been thinking a lot about lately. I honestly can't think of much I harbor guilt around these days, but I do remember a time I felt extremely guilty. Guilt is beneficial in that it allows us to recognize our mistakes, but it becomes an act of self hatred when we act out of guilt, rather than doing what we truly want. We punish ourselves by acting out of guilt over and over. We don't discover our unique gifts or learn to act out of joy because of this. We have a hard time letting go of the guilt because the guilt is such a big part of our story, our past - who we define ourselves to be. It may even go deeper than that and the guilt is associated with this belief that we are a bad seed - not entitled to happiness or joy. A belief that was placed upon us when we were very young and unknowingly we let this belief become our own. We act on it thinking this is what we must do and instead not realizing we have a choice to believe something different! What an awful cycle. Acting out of guilt does not help anyone - certainly not yourself. Acting out of guilt is closely related to one I identify with - the acting to be nice or wanting to be perceived as nice. This, like acting of guilt, is done with the intention of trying to get something back. It may not be literally getting something back from the person you are performing the action to - but in the sense by acting out of guilt, you do something nice, you feel less guilty. It only lasts a short while and then you must do it again. As for acting to be nice, we are hoping the other person will take our actions as reason to give us what we want - usually their love. At the party I was at this weekend, a guy who recently broke up with his girlfriend said "but she's so nice!" and I said that's not a reason to date someone! Unfortunately I think Josh and I fell into this pattern and are continuing to play it out, though I'm much more aware of it than I used to be. When we first split, I found myself doing many nice things for him (and still do) because deep down I wanted him to love me again. Him loving me meant I was safe, which is often the end goal of someone acting out of being nice - to create that safe feeling. But he ended up seeing someone new and I'm thinking, why the hell was I being nice? Now, I don't want to be mean. But do I have to be nice? I'm no longer that girl who would make a scene because frankly while what he has done and is doing seems wrong to me and many others, he is a human being on his journey like I am, so respect he's doing the best he can and I know he isn't hurting me maliciously. Many people don't understand this and want to say "what an awful guy" and I get it - you are my friends, you love me. I'd want to stand up for my friends too. Yet I have been where he has been - I've been the person making mistakes, hurting others, screwing up. I just don't share those stories but if you wanna know, I'll tell you. I've hurt many people and done some major screwing up! I think it comes back to the guilt trap though. When I was feeling guilty about all these things and living in a pattern of self loathing and hatred for myself, these mistakes were all I'd focus on. And I acted out of guilt all the time - which got me into more bad relationships and situations and hurting more people. Vicious cycle! It stopped when I took responsibility for my actions and all that I had done. It stopped when I was able to say what has been done has been done. It stopped when I chose to believe something different about myself - I am not a bad seed, I deserve and can give love. It stopped when I became more compassionate to myself. It stopped when I faced my issues. And this allowed me to truly see what I wanted - and what I wanted could be mine. It allowed me to move forward with grace and dignity. Guilt is such a heavy burden to bear! Josh has been doing a lot of stuff to take care of me and Julian - financially, things we need from store, fixing things, etc etc But emotionally he has not been there. I get the sense he is acting out of guilt though he has not told me he is. I don't know if it's guilt around our situation or guilt from his previous relationships, or even childhood. It's probably both. But him acting out of guilt, if I am correct, makes me feel icky to be matter of fact. I wish he'd act out of what he truly wants. And maybe he is doing what he truly wants. I just don't know. If he is acting out of guilt I feel pity toward him. I remember what a burden guilt was for me to bear. So I want to do something nice to make him feel better, to fix it. I think I was doing it originally to win him back so to speak, but now I just want to stop his hurting. Yet when I do something nice it probably just makes him feel more guilty. What a pattern! So I am trying to be as conscious in my interactions with him but it is super super hard. I'm trying to not be nice all the time, but as I said I don't feel like being mean, so what do I be? Just me. And sometimes I am just thoughtful and that's ok. I'm trying to find that middle ground. And then perhaps this pattern will break and we'll be where we need to be. I find the pattern doesn't show up as much when I am not in a relationship but it's a pattern that has been very common to many of my relationships. So it's time to end the guilt trap, the being nice trap and just get to what I really want or believe or feel - and just plain do it and say it!

I am a single Mom

Single Mom. When I heard that word I thought of Jerry Springer to be honest. Women who have children whose fathers are not in the picture. Women who are loud and foul mouthed. Women who sleep around. I don't consider myself any of those things. Yet I am a single Mom. Josh would get defensive when I would tell him I felt like a single Mom. He'd say, I'm here, I watch JJ, I pay the bills, I help if you ask. All of that is true. What is missing, and has been missing for some time is the emotional support. I am definitely on my own when it comes to that. And frankly so is Josh. I thought we'd have each other to reach out to but that has not been the case. I began to find the emotional support elsewhere - in my yoga community, my friends, my family, other moms and dads. I don't feel alone anymore. I told my mother the other day I believe this whole situation happened for me and she laughed, but it's true. If this situation did not happen, I'd still feel emotionally unsupported and alone. What I remember about the summer is Julian and I holed up in my tiny apt in the bedroom. Now that all of this has happened, I feel emotionally free. Julian and I are thriving in our new space and creating many memories already and I've been having a Fall I'll remember. Josh told me last week he is seeing someone at his dojo who I know. It was another blow I wasn't expecting. Yet once I had time to process it, it made complete sense why they would be together right now, and why he and I are not. It also gave me the space to realize that while I may be financially tied to him currently, I don't have to be emotionally tied. I was recognizing it hurt more to see him than to not see him, and that I needed to take action for myself to heal even if that meant he would see his son less. I think during this whole situation I've catered to Josh and what Josh needed - I knew Julian was a great source of comfort and joy for him. I didn't really check in with what I needed. Well, him saying he was seeing someone caused me to do that. I've reached out to others to watch Julian so I can teach or take a yoga class and not surprisingly people have offered. I don't have to rely on Josh to do something without the baby as I once did. One of my friends said when I told her I couldn't pay her that she simply enjoyed being a part of our family and watching Julian grow. How blessed am I to have friends like that? I am not having to rely on Josh as much and it feels good. Then when he sees Julian it's a choice he's making rather than me saying "I need you to watch him" The financial piece will be slow to come as we both value my role as a mother and full time caregiver to Julian, but I've been subbing and looking at picking up more classes nearby. I am feeling really good about where I'm at despite my circumstances and the uncertainty of the future. Emotionally I am in a very good place. Do I still hurt? Of course! I hear a song, or visit a restaurant we'd go to, or see a picture of us, or remember a time we had fun together and my heart aches. I feel the emotion, I cry if I need to, and then I come back to the present, my reality, and the joy that exists there. I don't believe there can be great joy without great sadness and the two are coexisting for me right now. Truly they always are because that is one thing we parents who are emotionally in it get - the joy and sadness side by side. Day by day. I've never spent so much time as I am right now enjoying my life - cooking tons, sitting on my porch with Julian on a sunny afternoon, dancing with him around the apt, going for long walks, having people over, connecting.... connecting.... connecting! And Julian is so my buddy... we just know each other as two people who spend a lot of time together do. He is becoming such a loving independent high energy funny and joyful boy. I get upset when people tell me Julian is yours, he looks like you etc etc as if that will make me feel better or even matter. Julian has a Dad and I don't mind at all if I see Josh in him. Julian chose us as his parents and if he did, there's something to be said for that when I see how amazing he is. I know for myself there's a light in Josh that even if no one else saw it, I did. I don't think it's gone. But it's not up for me to find it or shine it again. I do hope he lets Julian see it. Julian needs a father. Yes a grounded Mom like myself is setting a good foundation but there's things a boy can learn from his father and which I hope Josh is ready to teach him. As for Josh and I, there is an us in that we will always be Julian's parents but the us is very different from what it was before. Do I still believe in love? You bet. I have no regrets for all my experiences brought me to right where I am today. I wouldn't change a thing, really. :)

Embracing uncertainty

Hello October! It's been one month since we've moved and we are thriving! Julian is cutting his first tooth this week, scooting all over, doing downward dogs and other yogi poses, babbling and eating solids and I'm happy and blessed. I don't know where Josh and I are going. Some days I feel and think this could work out and other days I don't think so. The fact is we are going somewhere - and only time will give more definition to what it looks like. I am happy that most of my friends don't ask and rather wait for me to talk about it if I want to - I can be with them and we can talk about the baby, teaching, a movie I saw, what I did this weekend, etc etc My mother is honestly the one who asks the most but it worries her this uncertainty, and I can understand. I have a child too and it would probably worry me. I've come to find though that I am actually starting to LIKE this uncertainty, this I don't know that is my life right now. Before this situation came about I thought my life would look a certain way. I was comfortable, happy enough, living, but not thriving. I was safe and now I am not safe. I am completely vulnerable. I like being in this place though because every day is a world of possibility. I feel I am connecting more, seeing people more, hearing people more. I am loving more deeply and living more deeply. Saying I don't know takes me out of my head, takes me out of the need to mask my feelings, to put on a happy face when I'm not happy, to try so hard. I feel I can be myself again, and really enjoy me, and figure out just what I want right now. This uncertainty has caused me to be a better mother, a better teacher, a better human. I would always say, you just don't know where life is going to take you, so live each moment, but now I do know - you just don't know! Julian is growing so fast but I feel I am enjoying each and every blissful moment. Yes, I was a bit sad when I felt that first tooth coming through but I was more excited. Here I am witnessing these milestones, and they will be with me forever. I can tell already that I will look at him when he is a man and remember these blissful moments, and I look forward to telling them to him. I am sad that Josh is not around more to share them with me, but I do feel we've shared some of them together. It has been more of a separate journey though as we each step into our roles of mother and father. I feel each of us is at our best when with our son because he brings out this amazing vulnerability and love within us. We recognize that our time with him is uncertain, that our love will only continue to grow, and that all we can really do is let go and enjoy the ride. Hold onto nothing. And embrace everything. Being a mother has made me realize I can only deal now with emotionally available people. I'm done with the games and the drama and the bull shit and I just want to be real and connect. Put down the masks folks. I think when Julian was first born we were both holding on so tight as parents, going through the motion, not embracing fully this love he's given us. And I know for me at least I'm embracing it - it's scary but it's too hard not to. And this love makes me more human and raw and messy and vulnerable than I ever thought possible. But it's ok. Every moment I spend with Julian tells me it's ok. Because he's every bit as raw and vulnerable and messy and loving it. I don't want to see that ever change about him and I am so grateful he has allowed me to be that way again. And now that I'm here I can't go back. There's only moving forward, and whomever is walking with me on that path. There's no doubt Julian will be there so at least I have a buddy!

Motivated by love

It's been two weeks we've been in this new space. It feels like home though there are still things to do - curtains, plants, hanging pictures, etc. My students remind me it will always be a work in progress - just as I am. How true this is! I've been yearning to be in the space, and have people over. I've been out more than I am used to these past two weekends and while it's good as it's given me a chance to socialize and Josh a chance to be with Julian, I miss just being able to hang at home and have nothing to do. When I've been out people have said how well I am handling the separation between Josh and I, and I suppose it's true. I think when something is happening that you don't want to be happening, as time goes on you have acceptance around it even if it's not what you want. My yoga practice has taught me this lesson - to surrender to the things we can't control. And obviously we can't control other people, just our own actions. Believe me - there have been many tears MANY and I still have days I am sad and lonely. I have found that focusing on my many blessings and practicing gratitude helps me to heal and be the best I can be, and to stay focused on the NOW. Clearly I have no idea what my future looks like as what I thought it would be has crumbled. So it takes shape daily. I can sense things are shifting but I don't know where. I am reminded of my favorite poet Rainer Maria Rilke and his quote "my eyes already touch the sunny hill, going far ahead of the road I have begun. and we are grasped by what we cannot grasp. it has its inner light, even from a distance, and changes us, even if we do not reach it, into something else, which hardly sensing it, we already are. a gesture waves us on answering our own wave, but what we feel is the wind in our faces" As I sit to write this post this evening, I have a draft from another post a week or so ago where I talk about being motivated by love. That's where some of my work lies. It's clear the more time I've had alone to process where my life has brought me that I've been motivated by fear. This fear has caused me to have no clear understanding of what I truly want. As a little girl I would be so scared of thunderstorms, hiding under blankets Last week thunder storms came through during an awesome yoga practice and I felt such peace - so at home in my body. I talked to a student afterward about an amazing new endeavor she was undertaking - she spoke of taking her time to make decisions even though people around her were getting frustrated as she wanted to be sure she was doing what she wanted. I mentioned to those I was with as we waited for rain to let up not being afraid of rain - but lightening - as I parked my car about 5 min away. And then I just said, I'm going to go, and I started walking. And I was blissfully happy as it rained, as lightening pierced sky around me - how awesome to just take action! I have been motivated by fear for so long and I want to be motivated by love. Kate G. spoke in class recently of how everything is born of love - anger, sadness, frustration - even this fear! I can trace it back to love and when I do I am free. I woke up early after a night of being sick this week with a stomach thing and I saw a gorgeous sunrise from the new place and my first thought was once we recognize we are love, we are never alone. I think I've been afraid to be alone to trust my ability to hold the space around me and not have to fill it up. Josh always said I've done this with him - talk to just talk - and it's true, I do, with him and I've noticed with others too. It's harder to not just talk to talk with Josh because it's awkward between us but I also think what comes out of my mouth will be more meaningful and I won't be striving to fill up the space to push down feelings and fear that are coming up. I can instead sit with what comes up and recognize I am love. I can do this with my students and teach more meaningful classes and I can have more meaningful interactions with those I meet. There's a light within me, behind these eyes, and it's dancing. I understand I may have to be a single Mom - i know I'll have the support of Josh financially but on an emotional and spiritual level as a parent I'll be on my own. I also realize I can ask for help. I was looking at my old yoga notes from TT in 2006/7 and noticed how it said one of my weaknesses I felt was that i don't ask for help. It's true, I don't. I've always been someone who just does it - something needs to be done, I do it. It's hard for me to understand people who need to be told what to do. This will get interesting with a child :) At the same time, there's times I feel i could use a hug, a friend to talk to, etc etc and I don't ask it. I wait and see if it is offered, and even then, don't always take it. It's not that I take pleasure in doing it all by myself. I guess in some ways it makes me feel accomplished capable but I can feel tired, sad, lonely without help. I don't think I asked for Josh's help enough and just assumed he'd pitch in, see what was needed - that was bad communication. I'm attempting to be better about reaching out for help - calling friends to talk to, inviting them over to chat over tea, having someone watch the baby so I can get out, etc It's difficult. There is a fear there - I guess of letting go of control? It feels safe to have that control. Fear feels safe but it doesn't let me thrive and live fully. Ive never really just done what i wanted - or even figured that out i guess. My gut tells me one thing and then my mind goes, nope, and I do that and it doesn't feel right cause my mind is trumping my intuition. I have agonized over what to buy for this apartment - simple things! I was picking out new couch pillows and I really liked the kinda bright green but was going to go with the blue cause it's not so flashy and then I just bought the green cause finally I said, no, it's what I like and it's not that flashy anyway ;) And a shower curtain - i bought this one that was ok, but kinda safe and boring when I really wanted this gold one. I went back to target today and there was another safe one in yellow, but no gold in yet and I'm holding out for it! I think I've always been afraid to say what I want because it brings up fear around people leaving or not liking me. How silly - not to like someone because they disagree with you. Who would want to be friends with them anyway? And as for people leaving me, I'm never alone when i recognize I am love. Love will always find me. My love for you is stronger than the strongest oak It pains me and strengthens me There is an understanding beneath our stories That binds us together It is not broken I had a beautiful dream about you where you said you fell in love with me all over as I became Mother I became strength and beauty in your eyes Your willingness to feel gave me wings You embody Father with your heart on your sleeve You are calm confidence and a warm smile

Everything must die in order to be reborn

We moved! We survived! I had thought moving with an almost 6 month old would be incredibly difficult, but it wasn't too bad. Julian is such a good teacher. He has always been easy going - happy in the old apt, happy there as chaos unfolded and we began to move bigger stuff out on Friday, happy in the new place with so much more space, and happy as everything is still a mess but slowly coming together. I tried to move a lot of the little stuff last week while Josh was away in VT, and on Friday and Saturday Josh took 5 trips in a van to move the bigger stuff while I watched the baby. Moving is physically exhausting but it's also mentally and emotionally exhausting too. I could tell we'd all outgrown our old space and needed something different. At the same time it's hard to let go of what is familiar, even if it's unhealthy. This new place is a ton of space for me and the baby, even for me the baby and Josh when he is here, but it's just what we need. I can breathe again. The week leading up to the move I couldn't stop crying. Now that I have space and can breathe again I'm slowly processing all the signs the Universe has been sending me and I am starting to have acceptance around the fact that everything must die in order to be reborn - or at least that's what the Universe seems to be telling me. This break or separation between Josh and I needed to happen. Julian's arrival - but truly his presence in my womb, even before he arrived in this world - shifted the energy between he and I and like when a fault splits and an earth quake happens, that began to happen to us. When we finally talked about it and he mentioned a separation rather than trying to fix the situation, I was thrown for a loop. I so wanted to just put a band aid on the situation. I don't think I could see anything else or get a clear perspective because I had been living in that energy in that apartment for so long. The week leading up to the move I was so so sad. I couldn't stop crying and just wished Josh was moving in with us as our happy little family but wishing wasn't making it happen. I just wanted to say something or him say something and boom, it's fixed. It didn't happen. Sue Jones, a lovely yogi mother and friend of mine posted on her Facebook "All things end" and this voice inside me said NOOOOO they just change, shift, but they don't end. The day of the move on Friday we waited for a funeral procession at a light as we went to pick up the van. Josh texted a pic of a black cat that just walked into our old apartment as he was loading stuff up in the van. There was a beautiful full moon the night we moved and Julian was also born on the night of a gorgeous full moon. I thought of the story of a good friend of ours who when her daughter was born years ago, split from her husband and when they got remarried 8 years later she spoke of how it was like who they were before was dead - was gone. All of these signs pointing to death, to things ending, to shifts and change. It was impossible to ignore. On Saturday after mostly everything was over I took one last ride to the old apt by myself, empty now, to do one last cleaning. As I cleaned the apartment, I thought of all the memories. I could be sad but I didn't want the energy of regret, of loss and instead began to say thank you. Thank you for when I moved in 2007 and needed space after a break up. Thank you for keeping a roof over my head while I quit my job and began teaching yoga full time. Thank you for being a part of meeting Josh and falling head over heels in love. Thank you for being the place Julian was conceived, where he spent his first months as a newborn. I cleaned the space saying thank you and leaving it with good energy for whoever crosses the threshold next. We will always be in that place - because we hold those memories close to our heart, whether happy or sad. Physically we can't erase all of our DNA and believe me when you have a baby, you leave a lot of it wherever you live in the form of breastmilk poop and pee! So as I embrace this new space and fall in love with it and my new neighborhood I trust that someday when I leave here I'll be saying thank you as well. I am trusting that being here requires the death and breaking of whatever was before. Julian himself is not the same baby he was in the old apt and Josh and I aren't the same people either. I am realizing now that we need to start from the beginning. We need to look into each others eyes and see each other - separate from our story. The story before we met, the story of how we met, the story of how we ended. If we can do that, we can move forward. It doesn't mean we forget but we don't stay stuck there. If Julian asks someday, I'll tell him it was a challenging time. I'll also tell him these are the times character is discovered - masks are dropped - and you get down to what is real. This is the unveiling of a me I want to stay with - a person who is dying and being reborn every single day. It's been a long time since I've had a consistent meditation practice but I seem to remember that being very much a part of it - the acceptance, perhaps realization that we are dying and being reborn all the time. Today I heard a beautiful song which made me think of Josh and our situation and this idea of dying and being reborn. It's called Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars. Here are the lyrics and a link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-6EwdDiopQ You only know what I want you to I know everything you don't want me to Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine You think your dreams are the same as mine Oh I don't love you but I always will Oh I don't love you but I always will Oh I don't love you but I always will I always will I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back The less I give the more I get back Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you Oh I don't love you but I always will I always will