I Love You With All of My Heart

You aren't told that being a mother is lonely. You aren't told about how this love you feel for your child brings you immense joy and sadness at the same time. It's lonely feeling both of these emotions so intensely as you watch your child grow. I truly feel only other mothers know. It's so hard to put into words but with a glance of knowing into each others eyes we understand. Dads may get it too, I don't come from a Dad's perspective, but Dad's seem so much more focused on the growth, the "look what my son/daughter did!" and Mom's more on the "i can't believe how grown my baby is" I feel this so intensely already at this early age. I have moments Julian and I are utterly united in joy over his learning and growth, and then I have those moments where we share a tender embrace, touch, as we look into each others eyes and he makes a sound or no sound at all and we hold that space and I know this is fleeting, this moment. And I tear up a bit. I tell him they are happy tears, but there is a little sadness in there too. A joyful sadness, cause as mothers we want to see our children grow and experience the world, to see the people they'll become, but we want to hold onto those fleeting moments as babes when you are each others world. My Mom sent a package for Julian this week. It's been hard on her being a grandma and living farther away so we keep in touch on face time through the Iphone. Yeah technology! I never thought much of my Mom's experience as a mother until now. She had always told me this or that, and I've always been so independent, so a lot of it would go in one ear and out the other. Sorry Mom! But she's always had a way of showing her love, and I've always thought it a bit too much at times - I still have to call to say I'm home safe when I get back to MA from a trip to PA or NY even when I am almost 33! I've always been one to feel things immensely but harder to show them. I feel the love just comes pouring out with Julian - there's not much I can do to not show it! It overwhelms me sometimes - the joy and sadness mixed together - and I try to remember to breathe. Well this week my Mom sent along a book I can read to Julian since he's enjoying books now. This book though was something she had bought for me in 1999 (yes, 13 years ago!) and had misplaced and never given to me. I think it was meant to be as this book meant something very special being given to me now. It's called "I Love You With All of My Heart" A young polar bear is told his mother loves him with all of her heart and he is curious how this is possible and goes on a journey to find out, asking all of his friends how their mothers love them. It's a beautiful beautiful story. My mother would always write inside of books she gave to me and in this one she wrote "2/14/99 Amanda, No matter where you are in life, when days are great or not so great, when you feel out of sorts and falling apart, know that I love you with all of my heart!" I get it Mom. I think I've found an understanding with you we didn't have before. I love you.

Guilty of Zoning Out

Julian will be 3 months this Friday. Time is going by so quickly! Josh was around a lot at the beginning, working from home, but now he goes into the office 2 or 3 days a week, and will be traveling again soon. It's good to know I feel fully capable of taking care of Julian while he's gone (at the beginning I was a little scared!) but I also miss the adult interaction. Julian and I have visitors or visit when people are free, but on some of the days Josh goes into the office, he'll go to aikido and catching up with friends afterward, which makes for a long day with the babe. We agreed to this before he was born - that Josh's aikido practice was important for him, and time with his friends. He wanted to get to class three days a week and I wanted to get to yoga class 3 days a week since my practice was also important. Well guess who isn't going to class 3 days a week ;) It's my choice - I often make two classes during the week and on the weekends I find myself choosing to spend time with my family (Josh and Julian) instead. It's funny - when Julian was younger I found it much easier to leave him to go to yoga or out with friends. I think this is because he wasn't interacting as much - he needed me for food yes, but hadn't really come to know me as Mom yet, and me know him as my son. 3 months later though, that bond is strong, and growing, and I find I don't want to be away from him as much. I know going to classes during the week is important for taking care of myself. I enjoy it and the community, it helps my teaching, so I make the effort to go. I need to get back to my home practice. It's suffered of late and I've noticed I've started to become guilty of zoning out now that I have these longer days with the babe. I try my best not to be guilty of zoning out with him - he's very alert so when awake we play, read books, sing, talk, etc but there are moments I throw on the TV or am glued to my Iphone and I feel bad as I don't want to miss anything with him. This is why it's good when we get out or have visitors as it keeps me more in the moment and less checking out. I think the days we don't have visitors or are visiting I'm not quite sure what to do with a 3 month old. We go for walks, we play and interact, we go to the store, run errands, and if the weather is nice, get outside, but if you've been in New England, you know the weather has been a bit rainy as of late. I find that at the end of a long day with him and trying to be present for him, I have such a hard time being present for myself. We don't have cable but we have Netflix and our new thing Hulu and you can zone out to tons of stuff on there. My latest guilty zoning out show was 16 and Pregnant on MTV and I would watch thinking I'm not supposed to be taking this seriously but it is serious - these are real people with real kids and their lives are a mess and these kids take the brunt. I think zoning out or checking out is something we're all guilty of or have been guilty of. Maybe it's TV, maybe it's not being fully present in our relationships, maybe it's eating crappy food, sitting on our butts, or just letting our mind run wild. Why do we do it? It's easier I suppose but it also makes us depressed and unhappy. It's often because we don't want to deal with what we need to deal with if we checked in and were present. In my case, it's totally sleep deprivation. When it's 8pm and he's asleep, and I have maybe an hour or so to myself I often don't have the energy to do much except cook, take care of a couple household things, and flip on the TV. It doesn't help that I have a partner who totally loves to zone out to TV. He grew up differently than me with both parents who worked and he often at home alone as he was older so he'd heat up his dinner and flip on the TV. It's relaxing to him and so not the case for me. Usually the nights he's home, he'll make dinner and we'll catch up on the day then without TV or interruptions, but the TV gets flipped on as we eat and we watch House or something more intelligent than just reality drama filled TV. We don't have a kitchen table as our apartment is small but if we did, that could certainly help with the tendency to just flip on the TV. One thing my family did when growing up was eat at the dinner table with no distractions! So I think the most I can do in my sleep deprived state is start with me. The days and nights Josh isn't here and it's me and the babe, get out of the house, stay present and find things to play with and interact with if inside, and do something for myself at night - read a book, home practice, self massage, etc Stay connected rather than just zone out. And if I do feel I really need to check out, as sometimes I think we all do, watch one crappy reality tv show, eat one slice of pizza, eat some ice cream, etc etc whatever I may need to check out. And for Josh and I, encourage us to eat dinner without the TV when we eat together, which is usually 4 nights a week, so let's shoot for one without the TV. And I could make it a night I cook! Starting small gives me the compassion I need to move forward. And on that note, I'm going to do a little self massage with some lacrosse balls, have some greek yogurt with raspberries and honey for dessert, and head up to bed to read.

Happy Hippo, Angry Duck

Julian likes it when I read to him. He has always liked me singing or talking to him, but now he's able to sit and "read" a book with me. He makes his own happy sounds as I read out loud. One of his favorite books right now is Happy Hippo, Angry Duck. This is a book one of my yoga friends gave me about moods. It says "Hello Little Person! How are you today? Is your mood quite terrific or only okay? Are you happy as a hippo? Or angry as a duck? Maybe sad as a chicken? Or you grumpy as a moose? Or excited as a dog? Worried as a rabbit? Contented as a frog? Perhaps like a pig you are sweetly amused. Or perhaps like a cow you're completely confused. You might feel that somehow you've lost all your fizz. Or you're frazzled like a um frazzled thing. I'm not sure what it is. Well, I hope you are happy. But if you are not, you have friends that will help you. We like you a lot. And a difficult mood is not here to stay. Everyone's moods will change day to day. Unless you're that duck. He's always that way." I love the wisdom in this book. The last two weeks have given us a chance to implement this wisdom. Julian had his first laugh 2 weekends ago and on that same day he also spent 2 hours crying on and off at Josh's parents house. Was it a new much bigger environment as we stepped into their house? Was it learning something new? Seeing a dog for the first time? Who knows. I only knew I had never had my boy cry this much, especially with me at the end of the day. So I nursed, I rocked, I walked him up and down Josh's parents long driveway (thank heavens cause there are no sidewalks where they are in Pembroke!) and finally he slept a bit, the fit subsided, he goes to bed and is all smiles next time he wakes. The following week I had my very first experience being sick and a mom. Worst combo ever! It was a sinus/cold thing and I didn't want to take any medication as I am breastfeeding. I did take Ibuprofen as that is safe and I needed something to help the sore throat, general eh feeling, and a low grade fever. Now before being a Mom, it sucked being sick, but I could sleep as much as I wanted when not teaching yoga. Not the case anymore. Not only am I up usually twice a night nursing the babe, I'm taking care of him during the day while Josh works. The cold hit on a Wed and I had to teach back to back classes on a Thursday night since I couldn't find a sub. I didn't complain.. much.. I realized being a Mom is something you just do, whether you are 100% or 50%. I remember that first morning waking up sick with my little guy who was slightly sick himself, but faring much better and all smiles at 6am, and I was feeling a bit resentful I couldn't crawl back to bed and then I said this little guy has no idea what I need, only what he needs right now... and he needs his mama. So I gave him a weak smile, told him mama wasn't feeling good or up for singing today, but let's try a quiet tune. And he smiled with that glint in his eye as if he understood, and it was ok with him. It just mattered I was there, 50% or 100%. And so back to this book. Happy Hippo, Angry Duck. This book tells children it's ok to just feel what they need to feel in each moment. We as adults are supposed to be the wise ones and we rarely give ourselves or others permission to be the angry duck or the grumpy moose, etc Julian is teaching me he'll take me as I am, just as long as I show up as fully as I can in that moment. And I am doing the same for him, taking him as he is, happy or grumpy and letting him show up in the moment. This will foster I hope and believe a loving supportive relationship for many years to come between he and I.

I am Mom enough

By now, most of you have probably seen and/or heard about the uproar a recent TIME magazine cover caused. It showed a woman breastfeeding her 3 year old son and the cover asked "Are You Mom Enough?" Underneath the headline it reads "Why attachment parenting drives some mothers to extremes - and how Dr. Bill Sears became their guru" Now I must admit, looking at the picture my eyes did get a little big and I did a double take not because a breast was on the cover or that a child was sucking on it - the picture caused me to question if I would do the same, breastfeed Julian when he was three. And this child on the cover was a large three year old - probably the size Julian may be since he is a big kid already. I think TIME intended to shock through their use of a bigger three year old, the fact that the kid is standing on a chair to reach his mom's breast, and their use of the words extremes and guru when talking about attachment parenting. They also did a good job of trying to create a Mommy war by asking "are you mom enough" Luckily I believe Moms are pretty united no matter what their parenting style and will stand by each other through thick and thin. The people that will argue over this cover most are the ones that have either never breastfed (men mainly) or the ones whom this photo instills a sense of fear within them. I catch myself sometimes being "that Mom" We were at the Arboretum for Mothers Day and I saw a mother giving her two younger children soda at the end of the day perhaps because it was all the vendors had left as they were sold out of lemonade, but there was still that part of me that went "soda to kids? and at 5 oclock? oh no! she shouldn't do that" I judge myself enough as a new Mom. I don't need others judging me. I certainly don't need to be judging them. We are all trying to do a good job, love our kids, raise them to be happy and independent, let them find their own unique gifts to this world. I don't subscribe to one type of parenting style. If you co sleep, cool. If you dont, cool. If you breastfeed, cool. If you don't, cool. Etc etc I am figuring out what works for me and my family. I knew I'd be committed to breastfeeding Julian to a year but had never thought past that mainly cause I knew people thought it to be "weird" and I kinda thought it a bit weird myself to be honest - before motherhood. Now I see my breastfeeding relationship with my son to be more than just a nutritional one. There's an intimacy, a connection that only he and I understand. There's times he nurses and he's in the zone - eyes closed, sighing and I know in that moment I am providing him a great comfort and not just a nutritional need. There's times he's nursing with eyes open and he's batting my boob (cause come on, it's a boob at that point when your kid is playing with it like it's a tennis ball!) kinda laughing with his eyes and smiling and I smile and laugh back. Boob as entertainment! This relationship will change as he gets older, as he starts to want to try solids and I'm sure he'll want to nurse less. I found myself anxious already thinking to that year mark because I knew Josh had indicated he supported me nursing for a year, but not after that. We argued about this one. Finally, I talked to him the other night without the emotional charge I had been bringing to the conversation and he said it's not that he thinks boom one year, no more nursing. He just said he thought that was a good time to start weaning. I felt relieved he understood it was a gradual process. I admitted I didn't know how long I'd nurse him but knew weaning would happen at some point - and wanted Julian to be a part of that decision. Being Mom enough means loving your child unconditionally. It means sacrifice. It means surrender. It means being brave. It involves all the nitty gritty details I could post in here but won't.. today. Perhaps one blog post will be that - a day in the life of a mom to a 2 month old! One of my students recently said that becoming a mother has made me more brave. And it has! I chanted to a packed room of students for the first time the other day - a little off key. I am giving up classes I adore because I feel being home with Julian for his bedtime is more important. I kept saying I must take yoga any time I am able to have a free night, weekend and instead I'm walking to get ice cream with my family, or taking a nap sometimes. My yoga practice is certainly on my mat but it's so much more off my mat these days. It's how can I be the best Mom even on those days I am dead tired and can barely muster a smile and there's this little angel smiling at me at 530am... it's how can I be the best partner when I can barely listen to what Josh is saying out of sheer exhaustion and we haven't had a moment just for us in weeks... it's how can I be the best teacher when I didn't get to take the cool workshop I wanted or I can't get to my favorite teachers class or I didn't have time to plan my music or write out my sequence... it's how I accomplish all those things that make me Mom enough. And that is by far the highest and truest form of yoga! It's something we all strive to do everyday - or those of us who are living the lives we love, loving the lives we live. And in honor of being brave, and in support of all breastfeeding mamas out there, I am going to share with you a piece of me and Julian. It's a photo I took of us breastfeeding in one of those serene moments. I honestly haven't shared this with anyone. Not even Josh. It's private. But it's a moment I'm willing to share to showcase bravery to you all - may you all be Mom enough, whether a mother or not!

2 months

Julian is two months today. I have decided to be more committed to this blog, and my writing. I've decided to change the direction of the blog a bit, to write on yoga and motherhood, which would have happened anyway. How could it not? Julian has been the most influential person in my life to date. And he can't even talk... officially :) A mother's brain is a foggy brain. Or at least the mother of a 2 month old, as that's what I can speak to. In some ways, I feel more stupid than before in that I can't remember much of anything for long. I'm not as good a listener as I used to be. I'm easily distracted. There are two places these things don't apply most of the time - when I am with my son, when I am teaching yoga, when I am practicing yoga. I am working on having it apply in my relationship with Josh, and other friendships, relationships, areas of importance in my life. I've never had anyone need me so much and at the same time need me so little. As I sit her writing this, Julian is sound asleep upstairs in his pack n play bassinet. He's been sleeping on his own in there since birth, and now at longer stretches. Sometimes he wakes and coos and I go in but he isn't really looking for me but just enjoying his space. The fact that he needs me for food, for comfort at times, for a buddy to play and sing with and just hang with, and as someone to figure out what he needs without him being able to communicate it. This is what distracts me, keeps me thinking.. wondering.. am I getting it? Do I know my son like I think I do? And then he'll do something to show me it's not that hard, he doesn't need me as much as I think he does.. in the sense.. he's got it figured out. And I don't have to try so hard. He does this by seemingly having a schedule and then changing it up one day. Being his happy go lucky self and then fussy and crying for apparently no reason. I wonder what did I do. What does he need. And the next instant he's smiling. Or sleeping peacefully. My mind races through the day with is he eating enough, too little, too much, sleeping enough, did he nap, is he having enough wet diapers, is his poop looking weird, does that cough sound rattly, he isn't smiling as much today, is he extra fussy, etc etc And he'll remind me at some point during the day to just breathe, to slow it down, to realize I'm doing a good job. One of my friends said that to me today while we had lunch and I was breastfeeding him somewhat comfortably for the first time in public - not in a bathroom. She said it and there was this voice inside of me that said, thank god, I'm doing a good job! He can't tell me that. I know I'm doing the best I can yet apparently I don't truly KNOW otherwise I wouldn't need that validation. This is something I've never done before. Ever. And it involves a human being. That's scary! This is the hardest job I'll ever do and I am realizing it is a job that comes with no validation, guarantees, pats on the back, etc etc It's a job you do selflessly every day and seeing the growth of this beautiful being and having them in your life - that is the reward. I'm getting more comfortable with that. I think time is my friend. The more he grows into a happy healthy boy the more confident I am that I am doing something right. The more I'll KNOW, the less I'll need to be TOLD. So I suppose one of the greatest lessons Julian is teaching me thus far is compassion for myself, trust in myself. The realization I won't be perfect. He won't be a perfect baby. There will be awesome days, there will be rough days, but we'll still love each other. He may not be able to say it but the fact he smiles at me, is comforted when I hold him - let that be enough. Not trying so hard will give me that space to breathe. Just like on my mat. We have a better practice when we practice compassion because we are able to hold off on our postures a bit, meeting them with tenderness instead of strength and might, and being able to thus breathe into them more cause the effort is less. And that is strength in itself. A lesson I remind myself of everyday when I let that monkey mind run wild. So I hope my brain will allow my thoughts to come together a little more cohesively. But here's to a good beginning and I'm asking all of my blog writing friends to help me keep on top of this weekly endeavor!

My birth story

Julian James Puskarich was welcomed into this world on March 8, 2012, 715pm. He weighed 8lbs 13 oz. The finale to my pregnancy was not what I expected and was dealt with a lot of joy, tears, pain, fear and courage. Here's my story.

I had a terrific pregnancy. No complaints till the end, and those complaints were minor. I was able to remain active - teaching and practicing yoga. I have pictures of me doing handstand at 8 months! My practice become more restorative in my 9th month as I prepared for labor - but there was still a chatturunga in there sometimes ;) Well, I had dreams Julian was arriving early. But my due date came and went. And a week past my due date came and went. My anxiety built with each passing day. I was doing my best to enjoy my time with Josh just the two of us, to enjoy some me time before the baby, long walks with the warm winter weather, but it was challenging to just... wait. Really, to just be. I knew induction would start to be talked about. I was delivering with a midwife but at a hospital. I knew they didn't like women to go past 42 weeks and my blood pressure had been higher after I went past my due date, so they were concerned about that. I just felt so much pressure... so many watchful eyes... and I wanted this to be as natural as possible, just as Julian was created. The baby was probably causing some of my BP woes since he did turn out to be 8lb 13oz but I am sure my own anxiety did not help. I just wanted to be left alone... to go on a desert island to have this baby!

On March 6th I had a mid wife visit. We talked about induction but I said I'd really like to wait till 42 weeks to give him a chance to come on his own. She agreed to it in the office though later on that evening she called me and said she was really concerned about my BP being higher the past couple weeks and recommended I get induced that night. I said we'd come in the next day for another NST (non stress test) for me and baby which had shown him fine all along and talk about induction then. We went in, test was great for him, my BP still high, and we agreed to begin cervical ripeners as a form of induction to see if that would put me into labor on my own. So we were admitted to the hospital on March 7th and the cervical ripeners began around 12pm. I started feeling crampy, nothing significant, they suggested I order lunch. We relaxed, or rather I relaxed and Josh was pretty bored. Can't blame him! He took some walks, played with his Iphone. I got another dose around 4 and started to feel contractions but nothing major, a little more consistent. I ordered dinner, something light. I tried to sleep. The third dose began around 8 and we watched American Idol. I was feeling stronger cramps and contractions but nothing I couldn't talk through or handle at this point. Then I remember distinctly I heard a pop around 1030pm and I thought the baby had kicked me very hard. All of a sudden I realized something was different when I went to shift and gush after gush of fluid came out. There was so much! I said to Josh very calmly I think my water just broke. He jumped right up - finally something was happening! We were both excited. We got the nurse and she confirmed, said I was in early labor so try to sleep. How could I sleep? My baby was coming! I was full of adrenaline. Josh decided to get some sleep and I sat on the birth ball breathing, listening to my Hypnobabies Come Out Baby mp3. I walked around the room. I got on hands/knees for some cat/cow. I enjoyed this time. I felt the contractions coming close together and the peaks and valleys of them. I was glad for the rest in between. I would wake Josh to ask him to rub my back as I felt a lot of discomfort right in my sacrum. I felt most of my contractions or pain in my sacrum and low belly. Oh yeah - I didn't want any pain meds so was choosing to do this med free.

Well they checked my cervix sometime in the early morning hours - time frames get fuzzy here! I forget exactly how far along I was but it wasn't what they were looking for for the time I'd been in labor. I came in at 1.5 so a lot of cervical ripening had to be done. They said I was doing good so let's let you go along on your own a bit longer but time to think about pitocin to help the contractions become stronger. I was experiencing regular contractions (about 2 min apart) but they weren't increasing in strength. They all knew I wanted to let this run its course as natural as possible, but they were showing dips in the baby's heart rate sometimes and that concerned them. They believed he was head down but a star gazer - chin lifted rather than tucked, so when he would attempt to make his way down, he wasn't quite getting his head engaged to ripen the cervix. My cervix was still very posterior and needed to drop down. Well, at some point pitocin was given. I didn't handle it that well, and neither did the baby, so they didn't let us go with it for too long. At some point I was in the bath tub. That was heavenly. I took a snooze for a bit. I was definitely still able to talk just not during my contractions now, and I was certainly exhausted. So we began to talk about other methods of getting the contractions to pick up, baby to tuck his chin. They suggested different positions to labor in which I tried - childs pose, half lunge - but if baby's heart rate dipped again, I needed to shift. C section was brought up the longer I labored and still not a lot of progression. They knew this was a last resort for me so they suggested inserting a catheter into my cervix filled with a balloon of fluid that would cushion the baby's head. I had lost all my fluid by now and they thought baby might also have trouble coming down cause there was no fluid to cushion him. I said ok - we were now at about 24 hours, 12pm on Thursday. They wanted me to lie on my back for awhile for this and only shift side to side. I said ok, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do as I was having a lot of sacrum pain. They said this had to do with the cervix being so posterior. Well, this was a very invasive procedure. I had already had a number of cervical checks which kept feeling more and more invasive, and now I have people sticking this catheter up my cervix. There were more people in the room now. I was very scared at this point. I think Josh was scared seeing how much pain I was in as they did this procedure and then my contractions really picked up. They were coming 1 min apart about with no break and I was having such a hard time focusing and breathing without being able to move. Josh was holding my hands, locking my eyes, trying to keep me focused. They offered me a popsicle, I tried it and threw up. I was moaning in pain and writhing in pain. I was hoping beyond hope this was doing something - it felt like it was in my body. At some point finally I could move and I went and sat on the toilet. I just felt comfortable there! I would moved between leaning on the bed and sitting on the toilet to labor. Contractions were definitely more intense and my eyes would roll back in my head while in them - I couldn't focus on anything but them and couldn't do much in between. I had a bit more rest between contractions, and then they started to slow again. This is when they suggested more pitocin. I had been at 5cm for some time now. They thought my body was doing a good job but it was taking its time and baby was showing distress and dips in his heart at times. We were both exhausted. I said ok. They started it and I quickly knew I couldn't handle the pain. After laboring as natural as I could, I asked for an epidural, about 29 or so hours in... I wanted this to work but knew I needed some pain relief and rest for it to be an option. I was confined to the bed, a catheter was put in, more drugs and fluids pumped into me... I felt helpless and hopeless. It was good to rest, and I just hoped the pitocin would get me the vaginal birth I wanted. Unfortunately, it became quickly apparent the baby was not tolerating the pitocin. The spikes in his heart rate were concerning to the doctors. A c section was mentioned for a second time. They said I could continue as I was seeing if the pitocin would work, but they said it was apparent the baby was in more distress. I was so exhausted, so over wanting what I wanted, and just wanted more than anything a healthy baby boy in my arms. Josh had been so supportive during all of this, letting me choose the labor I wanted through it all. We both agreed to the c section at this point, knowing it was the right option for the situation we were in. I felt relief knowing I'd meet my son soon, but also scared as I'd never had surgery before let alone been in the hospital hooked up to so many things, so many drugs and such pumped into my body. Josh and I held hands and cried, more out of relief for me, sadness over not getting the delivery I wanted, Josh more out of fear I believe. He later told me he kept thinking how his whole life was on that operating table. Josh put his scrubs on and had to wait in the room while they got me into the operating room. There were so many people and voices in there. They kept me calm by talking to me and making jokes. It helped, though I was shaking so bad. They kept asking me if I was cold, I said no, just nerves. Shock really I believe at this point. They put an oxygen mask on me which freaked me out a bit and they made sure I couldn't move from my chest down as the epidural took further effect. They told me I was going to feel a lot of pressure and people kind of prodding, moving things around. Josh was finally let in and we held hands and locked eyes. There was a lot of pressure - I wouldn't say I felt pain initially but it was uncomfortable. It seemed like forever... but eventually they told me we're almost there, and then he's out! He didn't cry right away but very shortly after I heard his first cry. I can't even remember if Josh cut the cord. I know he didn't want to see them taking the baby out of me. Josh went to Julian as they cleaned him up and swaddled him. He had a good set of lungs. I could see a bit, and very shortly after Josh brought him right up to my face so I could say hi and give him a kiss and talk to him. We were both crying, happy, relieved. It turned out Julian's cord was against my cervix so every time the little guy would try to come down he'd press on his cord and drop his heart rate. That wad the trouble we were having the entire labor and possibly because he was so big, it was difficult to get him to turn, move or reposition. Josh went with Julian to the nursery while I stayed in the operating room to get closed up. I felt more pressure this time around and pain - the pressure was so intense. I found out they took my uterus out and then put it back in. I was starting to go into shock a little more now - having trouble staying focused. I don't know if they gave me something to relax or if I just passed out for a bit, cause I woke up and they were about done. I was wheeled off to recovery and finally allowed to hold my son and breastfeed. He breastfed immediately, like a champ. That made this mama happy. Once I held him, he opened his eyes and we locked eyes, nothing else mattered. He was perfect. How he got into the world didn't seem as important.

10 days later my hormones have finally started to settle. Instead of constant highs and lows I'm more grounded and vary from a state of elated happiness at getting to be this little boy's Mom and states of exhaustion, and crankiness. Each day gets a little easier, there's a little more of a groove. I start to feel a bit of my old self, and also begin to understand more this new self. And I take the time to grieve. I cry over what I didn't have in my birth experience. I cry over the trauma inflicted on my body - literally having my baby cut out from me. I don't know if every woman feels as I do, but I know my body knows something happened - in the sense the journey from egg and sperm meeting to our baby being born wasn't quite completed. It's like a short circuit. But breastfeeding my boy, holding my boy, singing and loving and sharing with my boy, closes that short circuit. And my body is healing fast... so fast.... which doesn't surprise me. I don't push it but I know I'll be back to a yoga class soon for the support of community and the guidance of some of my favorite teachers. In the meantime, I practice at home when I can. A down dog here, a forward fold there, this and that.... the focus less on building anything and more on healing and releasing. I think in some ways I'll always grieve over this labor and delivery, but the pain lessens over time. The compassion for myself and honoring and recognizing the strength and beauty in what I did go through, increases. I was able to labor naturally for quite some time and be in that experience and know my body has the ability to birth. I was able to labor with my little boy for 31 hours. I was able to provide the vessel from which he grew and came forth. And I know a VBAC is very possible for me in the future. I will keep savoring every moment with my little guy as I heal myself physically and emotionally.

Fear as my greatest teacher

Most of my Facebook posts are light, often about my teaching schedule, or what fun things I have planned for the day, who I am thankful or grateful for, or a spiritual tidbit/quote. Today I posted in response to something that keeps showing up: "Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I won't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I don't need to be fixed and neither do you. I trust that you are being guided by intuition and a bit of the divine. I trust that I am being guided by the same." What irritates or bugs us the most, and especially if it keeps showing up, is the Universe's way of saying, take a look at this - within yourself. The words I posted were a pep talk - to myself.

I have always been someone who does not like being told what I should or should not do. Or can and cannot do. It may be an oldest child thing, or a child growing up in an alcoholic family thing. Little adult at an early age. So I've always walked my own path and trusted that I know myself best.... or so I thought (about that last part, the trusting part)

I've realized over the years, and with the help of yoga for sure, that this pattern of not liking to hear the shoulds or should nots have irritated me more than most people. I had a harder time letting go when someone would voice an unasked for opinion on my life to me. Being pregnant has brought more of this on than before. People who are strangers, to acquaintances, to friends will offer up their opinions, advice, without me asking for it - and more so now that I am really showing and my due date gets ever closer. At first I'd brush it off, thank them politely, take it with a grain of salt. But apparently it affected me more than I wanted to admit or deal with. And then I asked what is all of this saying about me?

As someone who doesn't like to be told should or should not, I have lived in a place of fear. I put up a good front, say I know what I'm doing, but as soon as those words SHOULD came out I question my belief in myself. My so called trust in myself isn't as strong as I thought. And I get angry - it's directed at you, but I'm truly angry at me, for not believing.

It's most easy to see in others what you don't want to see in yourself. I'm good with being supportive, compassionate, offering suggestions but not dishing out my own should or should nots with friends, students, coworkers, acquaintances.... but when it comes to those in my innermost circle - family, my boyfriend Josh, my soon to be son... I am not so good at keeping my mouth shut.

This has come up most with my boyfriend Josh. I've found myself during my pregnancy telling him he SHOULD go to the doctor, get a check up... he SHOULD get to yoga more.... he SHOULDN'T be going out having drinks with his buddies.... he SHOULD be reading more pregnancy books, preparing for our son's arrival... etc etc Not once did I hear a SHOULD from him... he's never been the "let me treat you different cause you're pregnant" boyfriend and I so thank him for that. He's listened, been supportive, for my highest good.. I have not done the same for him. And the more I sit with this I understand it's my own FEAR coming up. The FEAR of him not being around and having to do this alone. The FEAR we won't be good parents, we'll screw up in some way. Loads and loads of FEAR.

I think we can all say when we dish out the should or should nots, when we try to FIX someone we do it with the best intentions. We care about said person so much. But what we truly care about is masking our own fear, taking the quick way out by reacting to another person so we don't have to deal with it - fixing them so we feel better. It's not about that person's highest good. And so the fear remains.

The work becomes trusting myself and what I intuitively know to be true - in my body, in my life, in myself. If I truly trust, when someone gives me a should, should not, when someone tries to fix me, I won't feel this internal bubbling of fear. I'll be able to smile, recognize that what they are saying is about them, and only I am the one who can make it about me. When I trust in myself, I will trust in another person's ability to do the same. I will trust that just as I know how to care for myself, Josh, and those I love, know how to do the same. It's scary to let go of that fear. It's been such a safety net, but I'd rather believe I can fly.