Saturday, May 31, 2014

Ada Grace, May 5, 2014

Here I write you, a woman who has conceived, grown and delivered two babies into the world. The journey of bringing them into the world was vastly different. One is neither good nor bad. I am grateful for both births, both my children, both the life experiences that got me here, today, the mother of Julian James, a little over two, and Ada Grace, a month on June 5. Julian's birth in many ways was everything I didn't want. Not Julian of course - I couldn't wait to hold him in my arms. His birth and everything that followed was painful, turned my life upside down, shook me to my core. Ada's birth was everything I could possibly want and envision in a birth and has completed a circle so to speak. She is half sister to Julian, and to Ananda, my step son. She is a part of me, of Ian, of Julian, of Ananda. She completes a painful and at the same time joyful and healing journey to get here. So let me tell you about my amazing HBAC - homebirth after Cesarean section. Sunday May 4 I was 41 weeks 4 days. We met with our midwife that day, Barbara, even though we weren't due to see her until 42 weeks because I was feeling anxious, the more and more I was past due. So many emotions were coming up for me once we hit 40 weeks and went past. With Julian, things were great till 40 weeks. Then as we went late, blood pressure fluctuated, getting a bit high, and I became scared of induction. I tried many things with Julian to get him to come - cohosh, walking every day, acupuncture, etc. I was induced with him at 41 weeks, 4 days. This time around with Ada once past 40 weeks my BP was perfect. I let my vulnerability show, my tears come, my emotions run high to low and back again daily. I told myself I could try some things if I wanted but as my midwife reminded me constantly, I didn't have to do anything. I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. That was and is the biggest lesson I've been taught by Ada thus far. As someone who's always felt the need to DO, she is showing me that in doing I lose my vulnerability and become hardened. In being, in allowing, I become softened. I told myself my body knew what to do, as did my baby. Baby would come when ready. So when we met at 41 weeks, 4 days my midwife shared the risks of going past due, and gave us a form we could sign at 42 weeks indicating we on board to continue with pregnancy as planned - homebirth, staying the course, no induction as long as baby and me were healthy. Another thing she told me at this visit was that if I did decide to be induced at a hospital, it was likely the hospital wouldn't let me try for a VBAC since I was almost 42 weeks and instead do a repeat c section. That solidified my surrender, I believe. I knew then I was staying the course if baby and I were healthy, whether it be 42 weeks or 44. I felt at peace after she left. I went to restorative yoga that night at Bow Street Yoga, the studio I felt the most supported at this late in my pregnancy through their restorative and yin classes, and small intimate studio environment. My husband stayed home with my son, Mom who had been in town for about 3 weeks helping us get ready (and assuming Ada would be here by now!) and my husbands father and stepmother who were visiting from CA - also perhaps expecting baby to have arrived! I came home feeling very relaxed and to quite a meal that my husbands stepmother had cooked - mussels in butter and garlic, delicious chicken and fresh salad... I was quite hungry for the protein so I ate a decent amount. We ate on our porch, had a little wine, and shared conversation. I was feeling a bit crampy physically but nothing any different than what I had been experiencing in the last couple weeks. I put Julian to bed, and by the time I got done my husbands stepmom and father had left for their hotel, Ian and my Mom had cleaned up. My mom was a bit sad as she had to leave tomorrow and had hoped to be here for the baby's birth. She would be back in a couple weeks but sad to miss the baby being born. As I lay down for bed and to cuddle with my husband, I noticed I wasn't feeling very well. I had nausea, chills and crampiness, along with diarrhea. I attributed it to the dinner - perhaps the seafood I never eat or the wine? I soon noticed the crampiness was turning into contractions that would begin at my low back and circle around to my pelvis. They felt different, a bit stronger - I could certainly talk through them but I couldn't ignore them either. I told Ian maybe this was early labor, but I wasn't sure. I decided to try and get some sleep. Sleeping was tough. The contractions were not stopping - had been going since about 11pm. I still wasn't convinced I was in labor. About a week previous, when we were picking up cohosh from a friend of Ian's and going to the grocery store, I had contractions that lasted about a couple hours, and then went away. I had my hopes up then, and was disappointed, so certainly wasn't going to get my hopes up now! About 3 or 4 am, I was up again with diarrhea and finding it increasingly difficult to sleep. I decided to time the contractions and they were about 8 to 9 min apart. I was starting to get excited but knew this could take some time, so best to try to rest. I lay down and tried to sleep. When Julian woke around 6am, I got up, and told my Mom I thought I was in early labor. She was of course ecstatic and said she'd call my Dad a little later to let him know she's not leaving today. I continued to time the contractions and noticed they had slowed down a bit, 12 to 15 min apart. I was disappointed and feeling down. Losing sleep over nothing? I tried to remind myself even if it didn't lead to a baby being born today, my body was getting ready! Ian woke and I had some breakfast - I was hungry - and started to go about our day. I called my midwife and she said sounds like early labor, and to call her when contractions were about 5 min apart. The contractions were still coming but were spaced out a bit. It was a beautiful morning so Ian Julian and I decided to go for a walk. I remember Julian was wearing his red sox baseball hat and looking so cute. We walked down our block, crossed the street and returned. Julian was walking so we took our time. I noticed the contractions started to pick up again in intensity. I think I had thought walking could get labor started... now I don't know if that's true, but while in labor, it definitely seems to get things moving! We spent the rest of the day just doing our usual stuff, and Ian's Dad and stepmom came over to cook a lasagna for dinner later. They all said I probably wasn't going to be eating it, but I think I was still in disbelief I was in actual labor and going to see my baby soon! I hung out on the porch a lot, breathing through each contraction, just trying to rest, playing with Julian, enjoying the beautiful day and the smells of food being cooked in our home. I even put Julian down for his nap around noontime reading Go Dog Go despite my contractions being a little more intense. I would pause to breath through them and he would say what you doing mama and I'd tell him I was having a contraction. He went to sleep, I thought it would be good to try and sleep, but was feeling hungry and antsy so got up to have some yogurt. I was starting to get the sense this was the real deal and I wouldn't be hungry again soon. I was also drinking a lot of coconut water to stay hydrated. By this time, contractions had been going on for about 13 hours. I went back to the porch and found myself needing to be on hands and knees more. I timed my contractions and they were now going between 5 min and 7 min apart. Ian kept saying to call our midwife but I was like let's wait till they are 5 min apart for an hour. He insisted we call her. I didn't want to call her too early. He called, she asked how I was doing, said everything sounds good, let me know when they are 5 min consistently. Around when Julian woke from his nap, contractions were now going from 5min to 3min apart. We called our midwife and she said she was on our way. We also called a fellow mom and homebirther who offered to photograph our birth. Julian was going to his Dad's for the night, which worked out perfectly, because right around when he left at 5pm active labor was definitely beginning. I could no longer talk through contractions. In between I was smiling, chatting, but during, I was focused. I was on hands and knees on the porch with Ian putting pressure on my sacrum. Midwife arrived and began to get things set up as she needed, leaving us to ourselves, unless we needed her. I found during this time things were getting intense, but I was handling it with breath, and Ian's help. Our photographer arrived and I thought let's try for one more walk as it was getting close to 6 and I knew soon enough it would be dark and if I wanted to get outside, it would be harder. We stepped outside and I literally made it down the steps, and said oh no, this walk ain't happening, and we went back up the driveway. We stayed outside for a bit, getting some fresh air. We made it back in and I wanted to go in the bathroom sometime around this point. There is something about laboring on the toilet that is calming to me! I went in with Ian and began to cry. My midwife knocked and asked if she could come in. I said ok and I said things are starting to get intense. Is the tub ready? I had asked them to get the birthing tub ready sometime while laboring on the porch. The tub was about ready. We asked everyone but Ian, I and my midwife to be in the room with the tub. My midwife called her other two midwifes to come assist at this point. This is where I really lost touch of who was around me. The contractions were intense and required all of my focus! The tub felt amazing when I first stepped in. The water on my sacrum which was experiencing a lot of pressure at this point. I wasn't checked for dilation at anytime during my labor which was so welcome, but I would say this time is the time I was probably dilating the last 3 or 4 cm. Transition, as they call it. I had experienced up to 5 or 6 cm with Julian naturally, no medication, and where I was at in the tub felt more intense. I started to get very vocal. I had told my Mom I didn't think I'd be very vocal as I'm not a loud person or boisterous person, but man, the sounds that came out of me during this time, were downright primal! Transition is no joke. It's the shortest part of labor but feels the longest. Just like when I ran a marathon - the last 6 miles are the shortest part of the marathon but are a real bitch! I thought about our neighbors downstairs or those around me for like two seconds when vocalizing - I truly didn't' care! I was in the zone. I was finding it near impossible to breathe through these contractions as they were one on top of the other and longer in duration. The pressure on my sacrum and pelvis was excruciating as the baby's head made its final descent. I felt nauseous, delirious. It seemed like it would never end. There were moments I'd get a break in between contractions and I'd rest my head on the edge of the tub and I think fall asleep. I felt at peace, filled with serenity and quiet. And then I'd be gripped by another one. My midwife was a huge support during this time, as was Ian. I was holding my midwifes hands a lot and leaning into her from the edge of the tub and Ian was either rubbing my back or simply there, which was more than enough. I was crying at times. I felt defeated, as it seemed like the baby's head would never crown. My midwife kept saying You are doing it, when I'd tell her I can't do this! I thought for sure I'd end up back at the hospital with a c section or something worse. Ian says I started to say I am doing it, though I don't remember. I felt such a strong urge to push at this point and my midwife said I could start to bear down. Well, I did, and each time it felt like I was pushing the baby out but I think I was simply helping to dilate more. My midwife said I could try and feel the head and when I put my fingers inside, I could feel the head. The baby hadn't crowned but I was close! I was feeling quite exhausted and just wanting it to stop. Around this time my midwife suggested I get out of the tub and the thought of moving was damn near impossible but I had the feeling she was right. I had been feeling for awhile I needed to move but couldn't formulate the words in my pain and exhaustion. I had been in the tub for about 2 hours so it was close to 830pm. I had been laboring for 21 hours. They started to help me move and that transition started some intense contractions. They moved me to the bedroom and I got onto the bed on hands and knees for a bit. They suggested I lay on my back to help baby crown and the thought of it seemed impossible but I knew they knew what they were doing and hadn't failed me yet. So I lay down and pulled my knees in and baby started to crown pretty soon after. The ring of fire they talk about is no joke. Such an intense stretching feeling in my vagina! They gave me a mirror to look and I was amazed - there was the head! It didn't look like anything I thought the head would look like. It was pretty bloody, and kinda pointed, which I guess is the skull plates overlapping so baby's head can fit through. I knew we were close though, and that was enough. They suggested the birthing stool and I said sure. I sat on that stool and in no time at all, one maybe two pushes the head came out, and BOOM her body slid out right after. It was quick! The effect of gravity I suppose. Midwifes caught her and gave her to me and I was in amazement. I did it! Here was my baby! At 952pm after almost 24 hours of labor, about an hour of pushing, all natural. We were taking it all in not knowing boy or girl yet, while people outside the bedroom door said is it a boy, a girl? Finally I held her up and said, I think it's a girl! Ada Grace. She was here! She was sounding a bit stuffy/sticky in her lungs which made them a little concerned but said because she came out so quick after her head came, it was a bit of a shock to her. She went on me skin to skin immediately to warm her up, and after about 5 or 10 min clearing out some fluid, she nursed like a champ. We lay there, with daddy next to us, in my own bedroom, in my home - I couldn't believe I had just birthed a baby in my bedroom - with her cord still attached for quite some time. The placenta came out quickly and sat in a bowl next to me. The placenta was HUGE! With such a thick cord. What an amazing thing to have grown and nourished my baby. And Ada - to have grown her from the size of a poppy seed! A pregnancy with not a single ultrasound, no testing, 3 months in India with no check ups... and here she was PERFECT in every way. They checked to see if I tore and were amazed my perineum was intact, just a small tear on my labia which took 3 or 4 stitches. It's been a month and that day is fading as the days flow into one other as a mommy of two but I am so grateful for my memories, and the photos as well. It was a day that was perfect in every way. I told Ian it reminds me of our wedding day - a day that was perfect in every way. To have such days, what blessings.