Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Pain is a good teacher

"My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding" I have this passage from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran on my fridge. It was first introduced to me about 5 years ago during a Compassionate Teaching workshop with Sue Jones. Coincidently I was assisting one of these workshops the day Josh and I went on our first date. This passage resonated with me then but I don't think I fully grasped its meaning until recently. It's been 3 months since I've been broken up from Josh, two of them living alone in this new space. This is the longest time in awhile, years, that I've gone without a relationship or dating or sex or just some connection on that level. In the past I'd try to have a distraction while I eased out of one relationship in search of another. There are no distractions this time. When you first ease out of a relationship, especially if you are the one who wasn't intending on it ending, your emotions are all over the place. I was a mess that first month, just trying to hold on. I was resisting what I saw before me as my life and just wanted to go back to what felt safe, even if I knew it was dysfunctional. Change doesn't stop for anyone though, so things kept shifting till there was a solid break. Acceptance began to set in once I began to see that yes, this was my life, no getting around it. With acceptance comes strength and courage and bravery - and a connection back to self. That's where I'm at now. It's a good place. It's also a very painful place - I think more painful than the initial realization that things are changing. My friends will often say Josh is such an asshole, you deserve better, you can meet someone who appreciates you, etc etc This may be true. The grass is always greener on the other side - until you get to the other side. I'm not saying this means I should hope for Josh and I to get back together. I am saying that I understand he is a person on his own journey and none of his actions toward me were malicious. Byron Katie has said that when you accuse or blame another person for something you believe they did to turn it around on yourself - ie You don't listen, becomes I don't listen. You were emotionally unavailable, becomes I was emotionally unavailable. This is hard work but it's helped me to see where I've made mistakes. It's helped me to let go of anger, to honor my hurt. It's caused me to really sit with my pain. My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding. I have taken this to mean that without such pain I've never known love. The pain I am feeling now is like a dull ache that is just always there - sometimes I am sitting right in it, other times I am aware it's there but can distract from it. It's not sharp or shooting. That sharp shooting pain is really the pain of resistance, non acceptance. It doesn't last. This pain lasts - for how long, possibly forever. It seems the ache might lessen over time but not go away completely. It's a pain in which I am able to recognize that I loved another, perhaps not well, but completely. That's an understanding that I did need. So if anything, I take that away. This is also an understanding that comes with being a mother. Julian has been moving everywhere these days, getting bruises, bumps, falls... and I realize the importance even more so of being fully present with him. I find myself more frustrated these days and this frustration is really my realization I can't keep him safe. And that dull ache comes back and the pain sets in amongst this intense joy around his curiosity and independence and fearlessness and I realize - this is love. I do know love after all. I know it very well. My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

The guilt trap

This weekend was lovely! I was able to have some babe free mama time celebrating a friends 40th on Saturday and seeing the Cantata Singers at the Longy School of Music. At the friends 40th, I was surrounded with so many people I would not have met, if it had not been for Josh. I met them through the aikido community. And here they were, my friends, and Josh was not there celebrating. Nor was the girl he is seeing who is part of this community. It was only as awkward as I allowed it to be. Clearly some people weren't quite sure how to act around me, but most treated me like their friend, and not some person who needed their pity. I went to a concert at the Longy School Sunday one of my yoga students was in and this was so a new experience for me. I was surrounded by people who were more educated than me in the academic sense - I know virtually nothing about classical music. Yet here I was listening to these soloist for the most part (at times they would sing together) singing in their soprano, tenor, barritone voices. And it was beautiful! The beauty for me lay in how they were sharing their gift with an audience - not shying away from their own light. They were connected to Spirit - whatever we conceive that to be - but it's that moment that when connected we shine and we are just being, rather than thinking our way through or feeding our egos. I was humbled by their courage and bravery, though for some it may be easier to stand up there and shine, but for many of us, we are afraid of our own light. Marianne Williamson says that's what scares us the most - our own light, not our darkness. All of this brought me back to guilt which I've been thinking a lot about lately. I honestly can't think of much I harbor guilt around these days, but I do remember a time I felt extremely guilty. Guilt is beneficial in that it allows us to recognize our mistakes, but it becomes an act of self hatred when we act out of guilt, rather than doing what we truly want. We punish ourselves by acting out of guilt over and over. We don't discover our unique gifts or learn to act out of joy because of this. We have a hard time letting go of the guilt because the guilt is such a big part of our story, our past - who we define ourselves to be. It may even go deeper than that and the guilt is associated with this belief that we are a bad seed - not entitled to happiness or joy. A belief that was placed upon us when we were very young and unknowingly we let this belief become our own. We act on it thinking this is what we must do and instead not realizing we have a choice to believe something different! What an awful cycle. Acting out of guilt does not help anyone - certainly not yourself. Acting out of guilt is closely related to one I identify with - the acting to be nice or wanting to be perceived as nice. This, like acting of guilt, is done with the intention of trying to get something back. It may not be literally getting something back from the person you are performing the action to - but in the sense by acting out of guilt, you do something nice, you feel less guilty. It only lasts a short while and then you must do it again. As for acting to be nice, we are hoping the other person will take our actions as reason to give us what we want - usually their love. At the party I was at this weekend, a guy who recently broke up with his girlfriend said "but she's so nice!" and I said that's not a reason to date someone! Unfortunately I think Josh and I fell into this pattern and are continuing to play it out, though I'm much more aware of it than I used to be. When we first split, I found myself doing many nice things for him (and still do) because deep down I wanted him to love me again. Him loving me meant I was safe, which is often the end goal of someone acting out of being nice - to create that safe feeling. But he ended up seeing someone new and I'm thinking, why the hell was I being nice? Now, I don't want to be mean. But do I have to be nice? I'm no longer that girl who would make a scene because frankly while what he has done and is doing seems wrong to me and many others, he is a human being on his journey like I am, so respect he's doing the best he can and I know he isn't hurting me maliciously. Many people don't understand this and want to say "what an awful guy" and I get it - you are my friends, you love me. I'd want to stand up for my friends too. Yet I have been where he has been - I've been the person making mistakes, hurting others, screwing up. I just don't share those stories but if you wanna know, I'll tell you. I've hurt many people and done some major screwing up! I think it comes back to the guilt trap though. When I was feeling guilty about all these things and living in a pattern of self loathing and hatred for myself, these mistakes were all I'd focus on. And I acted out of guilt all the time - which got me into more bad relationships and situations and hurting more people. Vicious cycle! It stopped when I took responsibility for my actions and all that I had done. It stopped when I was able to say what has been done has been done. It stopped when I chose to believe something different about myself - I am not a bad seed, I deserve and can give love. It stopped when I became more compassionate to myself. It stopped when I faced my issues. And this allowed me to truly see what I wanted - and what I wanted could be mine. It allowed me to move forward with grace and dignity. Guilt is such a heavy burden to bear! Josh has been doing a lot of stuff to take care of me and Julian - financially, things we need from store, fixing things, etc etc But emotionally he has not been there. I get the sense he is acting out of guilt though he has not told me he is. I don't know if it's guilt around our situation or guilt from his previous relationships, or even childhood. It's probably both. But him acting out of guilt, if I am correct, makes me feel icky to be matter of fact. I wish he'd act out of what he truly wants. And maybe he is doing what he truly wants. I just don't know. If he is acting out of guilt I feel pity toward him. I remember what a burden guilt was for me to bear. So I want to do something nice to make him feel better, to fix it. I think I was doing it originally to win him back so to speak, but now I just want to stop his hurting. Yet when I do something nice it probably just makes him feel more guilty. What a pattern! So I am trying to be as conscious in my interactions with him but it is super super hard. I'm trying to not be nice all the time, but as I said I don't feel like being mean, so what do I be? Just me. And sometimes I am just thoughtful and that's ok. I'm trying to find that middle ground. And then perhaps this pattern will break and we'll be where we need to be. I find the pattern doesn't show up as much when I am not in a relationship but it's a pattern that has been very common to many of my relationships. So it's time to end the guilt trap, the being nice trap and just get to what I really want or believe or feel - and just plain do it and say it!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I am a single Mom

Single Mom. When I heard that word I thought of Jerry Springer to be honest. Women who have children whose fathers are not in the picture. Women who are loud and foul mouthed. Women who sleep around. I don't consider myself any of those things. Yet I am a single Mom. Josh would get defensive when I would tell him I felt like a single Mom. He'd say, I'm here, I watch JJ, I pay the bills, I help if you ask. All of that is true. What is missing, and has been missing for some time is the emotional support. I am definitely on my own when it comes to that. And frankly so is Josh. I thought we'd have each other to reach out to but that has not been the case. I began to find the emotional support elsewhere - in my yoga community, my friends, my family, other moms and dads. I don't feel alone anymore. I told my mother the other day I believe this whole situation happened for me and she laughed, but it's true. If this situation did not happen, I'd still feel emotionally unsupported and alone. What I remember about the summer is Julian and I holed up in my tiny apt in the bedroom. Now that all of this has happened, I feel emotionally free. Julian and I are thriving in our new space and creating many memories already and I've been having a Fall I'll remember. Josh told me last week he is seeing someone at his dojo who I know. It was another blow I wasn't expecting. Yet once I had time to process it, it made complete sense why they would be together right now, and why he and I are not. It also gave me the space to realize that while I may be financially tied to him currently, I don't have to be emotionally tied. I was recognizing it hurt more to see him than to not see him, and that I needed to take action for myself to heal even if that meant he would see his son less. I think during this whole situation I've catered to Josh and what Josh needed - I knew Julian was a great source of comfort and joy for him. I didn't really check in with what I needed. Well, him saying he was seeing someone caused me to do that. I've reached out to others to watch Julian so I can teach or take a yoga class and not surprisingly people have offered. I don't have to rely on Josh to do something without the baby as I once did. One of my friends said when I told her I couldn't pay her that she simply enjoyed being a part of our family and watching Julian grow. How blessed am I to have friends like that? I am not having to rely on Josh as much and it feels good. Then when he sees Julian it's a choice he's making rather than me saying "I need you to watch him" The financial piece will be slow to come as we both value my role as a mother and full time caregiver to Julian, but I've been subbing and looking at picking up more classes nearby. I am feeling really good about where I'm at despite my circumstances and the uncertainty of the future. Emotionally I am in a very good place. Do I still hurt? Of course! I hear a song, or visit a restaurant we'd go to, or see a picture of us, or remember a time we had fun together and my heart aches. I feel the emotion, I cry if I need to, and then I come back to the present, my reality, and the joy that exists there. I don't believe there can be great joy without great sadness and the two are coexisting for me right now. Truly they always are because that is one thing we parents who are emotionally in it get - the joy and sadness side by side. Day by day. I've never spent so much time as I am right now enjoying my life - cooking tons, sitting on my porch with Julian on a sunny afternoon, dancing with him around the apt, going for long walks, having people over, connecting.... connecting.... connecting! And Julian is so my buddy... we just know each other as two people who spend a lot of time together do. He is becoming such a loving independent high energy funny and joyful boy. I get upset when people tell me Julian is yours, he looks like you etc etc as if that will make me feel better or even matter. Julian has a Dad and I don't mind at all if I see Josh in him. Julian chose us as his parents and if he did, there's something to be said for that when I see how amazing he is. I know for myself there's a light in Josh that even if no one else saw it, I did. I don't think it's gone. But it's not up for me to find it or shine it again. I do hope he lets Julian see it. Julian needs a father. Yes a grounded Mom like myself is setting a good foundation but there's things a boy can learn from his father and which I hope Josh is ready to teach him. As for Josh and I, there is an us in that we will always be Julian's parents but the us is very different from what it was before. Do I still believe in love? You bet. I have no regrets for all my experiences brought me to right where I am today. I wouldn't change a thing, really. :)

Monday, October 1, 2012

Embracing uncertainty

Hello October! It's been one month since we've moved and we are thriving! Julian is cutting his first tooth this week, scooting all over, doing downward dogs and other yogi poses, babbling and eating solids and I'm happy and blessed. I don't know where Josh and I are going. Some days I feel and think this could work out and other days I don't think so. The fact is we are going somewhere - and only time will give more definition to what it looks like. I am happy that most of my friends don't ask and rather wait for me to talk about it if I want to - I can be with them and we can talk about the baby, teaching, a movie I saw, what I did this weekend, etc etc My mother is honestly the one who asks the most but it worries her this uncertainty, and I can understand. I have a child too and it would probably worry me. I've come to find though that I am actually starting to LIKE this uncertainty, this I don't know that is my life right now. Before this situation came about I thought my life would look a certain way. I was comfortable, happy enough, living, but not thriving. I was safe and now I am not safe. I am completely vulnerable. I like being in this place though because every day is a world of possibility. I feel I am connecting more, seeing people more, hearing people more. I am loving more deeply and living more deeply. Saying I don't know takes me out of my head, takes me out of the need to mask my feelings, to put on a happy face when I'm not happy, to try so hard. I feel I can be myself again, and really enjoy me, and figure out just what I want right now. This uncertainty has caused me to be a better mother, a better teacher, a better human. I would always say, you just don't know where life is going to take you, so live each moment, but now I do know - you just don't know! Julian is growing so fast but I feel I am enjoying each and every blissful moment. Yes, I was a bit sad when I felt that first tooth coming through but I was more excited. Here I am witnessing these milestones, and they will be with me forever. I can tell already that I will look at him when he is a man and remember these blissful moments, and I look forward to telling them to him. I am sad that Josh is not around more to share them with me, but I do feel we've shared some of them together. It has been more of a separate journey though as we each step into our roles of mother and father. I feel each of us is at our best when with our son because he brings out this amazing vulnerability and love within us. We recognize that our time with him is uncertain, that our love will only continue to grow, and that all we can really do is let go and enjoy the ride. Hold onto nothing. And embrace everything. Being a mother has made me realize I can only deal now with emotionally available people. I'm done with the games and the drama and the bull shit and I just want to be real and connect. Put down the masks folks. I think when Julian was first born we were both holding on so tight as parents, going through the motion, not embracing fully this love he's given us. And I know for me at least I'm embracing it - it's scary but it's too hard not to. And this love makes me more human and raw and messy and vulnerable than I ever thought possible. But it's ok. Every moment I spend with Julian tells me it's ok. Because he's every bit as raw and vulnerable and messy and loving it. I don't want to see that ever change about him and I am so grateful he has allowed me to be that way again. And now that I'm here I can't go back. There's only moving forward, and whomever is walking with me on that path. There's no doubt Julian will be there so at least I have a buddy!