Motivated by love

It's been two weeks we've been in this new space. It feels like home though there are still things to do - curtains, plants, hanging pictures, etc. My students remind me it will always be a work in progress - just as I am. How true this is! I've been yearning to be in the space, and have people over. I've been out more than I am used to these past two weekends and while it's good as it's given me a chance to socialize and Josh a chance to be with Julian, I miss just being able to hang at home and have nothing to do. When I've been out people have said how well I am handling the separation between Josh and I, and I suppose it's true. I think when something is happening that you don't want to be happening, as time goes on you have acceptance around it even if it's not what you want. My yoga practice has taught me this lesson - to surrender to the things we can't control. And obviously we can't control other people, just our own actions. Believe me - there have been many tears MANY and I still have days I am sad and lonely. I have found that focusing on my many blessings and practicing gratitude helps me to heal and be the best I can be, and to stay focused on the NOW. Clearly I have no idea what my future looks like as what I thought it would be has crumbled. So it takes shape daily. I can sense things are shifting but I don't know where. I am reminded of my favorite poet Rainer Maria Rilke and his quote "my eyes already touch the sunny hill, going far ahead of the road I have begun. and we are grasped by what we cannot grasp. it has its inner light, even from a distance, and changes us, even if we do not reach it, into something else, which hardly sensing it, we already are. a gesture waves us on answering our own wave, but what we feel is the wind in our faces" As I sit to write this post this evening, I have a draft from another post a week or so ago where I talk about being motivated by love. That's where some of my work lies. It's clear the more time I've had alone to process where my life has brought me that I've been motivated by fear. This fear has caused me to have no clear understanding of what I truly want. As a little girl I would be so scared of thunderstorms, hiding under blankets Last week thunder storms came through during an awesome yoga practice and I felt such peace - so at home in my body. I talked to a student afterward about an amazing new endeavor she was undertaking - she spoke of taking her time to make decisions even though people around her were getting frustrated as she wanted to be sure she was doing what she wanted. I mentioned to those I was with as we waited for rain to let up not being afraid of rain - but lightening - as I parked my car about 5 min away. And then I just said, I'm going to go, and I started walking. And I was blissfully happy as it rained, as lightening pierced sky around me - how awesome to just take action! I have been motivated by fear for so long and I want to be motivated by love. Kate G. spoke in class recently of how everything is born of love - anger, sadness, frustration - even this fear! I can trace it back to love and when I do I am free. I woke up early after a night of being sick this week with a stomach thing and I saw a gorgeous sunrise from the new place and my first thought was once we recognize we are love, we are never alone. I think I've been afraid to be alone to trust my ability to hold the space around me and not have to fill it up. Josh always said I've done this with him - talk to just talk - and it's true, I do, with him and I've noticed with others too. It's harder to not just talk to talk with Josh because it's awkward between us but I also think what comes out of my mouth will be more meaningful and I won't be striving to fill up the space to push down feelings and fear that are coming up. I can instead sit with what comes up and recognize I am love. I can do this with my students and teach more meaningful classes and I can have more meaningful interactions with those I meet. There's a light within me, behind these eyes, and it's dancing. I understand I may have to be a single Mom - i know I'll have the support of Josh financially but on an emotional and spiritual level as a parent I'll be on my own. I also realize I can ask for help. I was looking at my old yoga notes from TT in 2006/7 and noticed how it said one of my weaknesses I felt was that i don't ask for help. It's true, I don't. I've always been someone who just does it - something needs to be done, I do it. It's hard for me to understand people who need to be told what to do. This will get interesting with a child :) At the same time, there's times I feel i could use a hug, a friend to talk to, etc etc and I don't ask it. I wait and see if it is offered, and even then, don't always take it. It's not that I take pleasure in doing it all by myself. I guess in some ways it makes me feel accomplished capable but I can feel tired, sad, lonely without help. I don't think I asked for Josh's help enough and just assumed he'd pitch in, see what was needed - that was bad communication. I'm attempting to be better about reaching out for help - calling friends to talk to, inviting them over to chat over tea, having someone watch the baby so I can get out, etc It's difficult. There is a fear there - I guess of letting go of control? It feels safe to have that control. Fear feels safe but it doesn't let me thrive and live fully. Ive never really just done what i wanted - or even figured that out i guess. My gut tells me one thing and then my mind goes, nope, and I do that and it doesn't feel right cause my mind is trumping my intuition. I have agonized over what to buy for this apartment - simple things! I was picking out new couch pillows and I really liked the kinda bright green but was going to go with the blue cause it's not so flashy and then I just bought the green cause finally I said, no, it's what I like and it's not that flashy anyway ;) And a shower curtain - i bought this one that was ok, but kinda safe and boring when I really wanted this gold one. I went back to target today and there was another safe one in yellow, but no gold in yet and I'm holding out for it! I think I've always been afraid to say what I want because it brings up fear around people leaving or not liking me. How silly - not to like someone because they disagree with you. Who would want to be friends with them anyway? And as for people leaving me, I'm never alone when i recognize I am love. Love will always find me. My love for you is stronger than the strongest oak It pains me and strengthens me There is an understanding beneath our stories That binds us together It is not broken I had a beautiful dream about you where you said you fell in love with me all over as I became Mother I became strength and beauty in your eyes Your willingness to feel gave me wings You embody Father with your heart on your sleeve You are calm confidence and a warm smile

Everything must die in order to be reborn

We moved! We survived! I had thought moving with an almost 6 month old would be incredibly difficult, but it wasn't too bad. Julian is such a good teacher. He has always been easy going - happy in the old apt, happy there as chaos unfolded and we began to move bigger stuff out on Friday, happy in the new place with so much more space, and happy as everything is still a mess but slowly coming together. I tried to move a lot of the little stuff last week while Josh was away in VT, and on Friday and Saturday Josh took 5 trips in a van to move the bigger stuff while I watched the baby. Moving is physically exhausting but it's also mentally and emotionally exhausting too. I could tell we'd all outgrown our old space and needed something different. At the same time it's hard to let go of what is familiar, even if it's unhealthy. This new place is a ton of space for me and the baby, even for me the baby and Josh when he is here, but it's just what we need. I can breathe again. The week leading up to the move I couldn't stop crying. Now that I have space and can breathe again I'm slowly processing all the signs the Universe has been sending me and I am starting to have acceptance around the fact that everything must die in order to be reborn - or at least that's what the Universe seems to be telling me. This break or separation between Josh and I needed to happen. Julian's arrival - but truly his presence in my womb, even before he arrived in this world - shifted the energy between he and I and like when a fault splits and an earth quake happens, that began to happen to us. When we finally talked about it and he mentioned a separation rather than trying to fix the situation, I was thrown for a loop. I so wanted to just put a band aid on the situation. I don't think I could see anything else or get a clear perspective because I had been living in that energy in that apartment for so long. The week leading up to the move I was so so sad. I couldn't stop crying and just wished Josh was moving in with us as our happy little family but wishing wasn't making it happen. I just wanted to say something or him say something and boom, it's fixed. It didn't happen. Sue Jones, a lovely yogi mother and friend of mine posted on her Facebook "All things end" and this voice inside me said NOOOOO they just change, shift, but they don't end. The day of the move on Friday we waited for a funeral procession at a light as we went to pick up the van. Josh texted a pic of a black cat that just walked into our old apartment as he was loading stuff up in the van. There was a beautiful full moon the night we moved and Julian was also born on the night of a gorgeous full moon. I thought of the story of a good friend of ours who when her daughter was born years ago, split from her husband and when they got remarried 8 years later she spoke of how it was like who they were before was dead - was gone. All of these signs pointing to death, to things ending, to shifts and change. It was impossible to ignore. On Saturday after mostly everything was over I took one last ride to the old apt by myself, empty now, to do one last cleaning. As I cleaned the apartment, I thought of all the memories. I could be sad but I didn't want the energy of regret, of loss and instead began to say thank you. Thank you for when I moved in 2007 and needed space after a break up. Thank you for keeping a roof over my head while I quit my job and began teaching yoga full time. Thank you for being a part of meeting Josh and falling head over heels in love. Thank you for being the place Julian was conceived, where he spent his first months as a newborn. I cleaned the space saying thank you and leaving it with good energy for whoever crosses the threshold next. We will always be in that place - because we hold those memories close to our heart, whether happy or sad. Physically we can't erase all of our DNA and believe me when you have a baby, you leave a lot of it wherever you live in the form of breastmilk poop and pee! So as I embrace this new space and fall in love with it and my new neighborhood I trust that someday when I leave here I'll be saying thank you as well. I am trusting that being here requires the death and breaking of whatever was before. Julian himself is not the same baby he was in the old apt and Josh and I aren't the same people either. I am realizing now that we need to start from the beginning. We need to look into each others eyes and see each other - separate from our story. The story before we met, the story of how we met, the story of how we ended. If we can do that, we can move forward. It doesn't mean we forget but we don't stay stuck there. If Julian asks someday, I'll tell him it was a challenging time. I'll also tell him these are the times character is discovered - masks are dropped - and you get down to what is real. This is the unveiling of a me I want to stay with - a person who is dying and being reborn every single day. It's been a long time since I've had a consistent meditation practice but I seem to remember that being very much a part of it - the acceptance, perhaps realization that we are dying and being reborn all the time. Today I heard a beautiful song which made me think of Josh and our situation and this idea of dying and being reborn. It's called Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars. Here are the lyrics and a link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-6EwdDiopQ You only know what I want you to I know everything you don't want me to Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine You think your dreams are the same as mine Oh I don't love you but I always will Oh I don't love you but I always will Oh I don't love you but I always will I always will I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back The less I give the more I get back Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you Oh I don't love you but I always will I always will