Practicing and teaching yoga has shown me that we all connect differently when it comes to our practice. Some of us connect physically, and like precise cueing that we can hear, or a pose that we can see demonstrated. Some of us connect to the feeling of a pose or movement, and enjoy less alignment, and more intuitively understanding what the body needs. Some of us connect more to what's said in class, the sound of a teacher's voice, the metaphors or spiritual insights they provide, and dont' care as much about what the body is doing. Most of us are a combination of these which demonstrated there's not one right way to your own truth.
I've come to my own truth (and when I say my own truth, I mean the privilege of knowing myself) through a variety of means. They were introspective as a child - many hours holed up in my room listening to music I connected to and writing depressing poetry for the emotions I couldn't quite process yet. As a teenager, and young college student, I connected through giving to another person, falling in love, and again dealing with the emotions I couldn't quite process or put my voice to through writing and experimental drug use. I came out of that fog numb and lost, and that's where yoga came into my life. For me, it was the final step in discovering my truth, in peeling back the layers that had built up, at finally processing the emotions underneath. What was left was me, raw and vulnerable. My beautiful truth had been revealed and I realized all was not lost afterall.
Here I am, about 10 weeks pregnant, connecting to my baby in my own way. I find the moments I connect the most are during my yoga practice or in quiet reflection. Sometimes I may talk as I rest my hand on my belly, but mainly I tune in, I listen. These early moments here are reminding me that as many times as I want to talk to my child, tell them how it is so to speak, there will be many more moments I'll need to listen. Only then will I know how to respond. Understanding my own process of connection has helped me to understand Josh's way is not my way. I tend to talk more than he does about hopes, fears, how I'm feeling and I used to think this meant he was disconnected. He's told me it's him remaining present to what is now - and not to dwell on what has not come to pass. I find that already a challenge as a parent to be and I admire him for keeping it simple. We get the usual question of if we'll find out the sex of the baby. When I tell them that we will, sometimes I hear "you should wait, it's the biggest surprise there is! be cool with the unknown, isn't that what yoga folks do?" etc etc I honestly thought I'd wait. I have a partner in this pregnancy and Josh told me immediately he wanted to know. I questioned him, and he said he's an inquisitive person. I thought more about it and realized this is HIS way to connect. He finds out it's a boy or a girl, and he can begin to place his hand on my belly and feel his son or daughter, or talk to his son or daughter, or just in his own time reflect on them. So no, I am not going to take the Draino test. Or hold a pendulum over my belly, or place a penny on my belly, or however many other old wise tales I've heard can detect the sex of the baby (though I did do the Chinese gender prediction test early on!). I'll keep connecting, practice what IS, and look forward to the knowledge of our son or daughter, news that will come one way or another :)
Friday, July 29, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Pregnancy: A Practice in Faith
George Michael knew what he was talking about when he said "You gotta have faith" I found out two weeks ago I was pregnant, and here I am 7 weeks. Faith, or as I like to call it, trust, is a huge part of my world right now. It is the heart of my yoga practice.
The first week I found out I was pregnant I was elated, excited and thrilled, and thought my boyfriend to have the same reaction especially since this was a planned pregnancy. He was excited, but was more quiet, thinking. The pregnancy hormones kicked in and I had my first pregnancy meltdown - does he want this baby? Will he be here for me? Waaa, waaa, waaaa. Where was my faith and trust? How quickly it left as our world began to change.
So I began to journal again. I began to share my news with those I loved. My boyfriend began to share his news too. We talked. We agreed to take it a little bit at a time and not think of everything that needs to be done at once.
And then begin my symptoms. Week 5 and 6 I had no morning sickness, but my small boobs became increasingly swollen and tender. And still are, LOL. I was so gassy and bloated, and was cramping, but no blood thankfully. My faith began to lose hold again as I read online (you can GOOGLE anything!) about my symptoms. Some women said all of this is normal, as did some of the expert sights, but then of course you read the cases were this lead to miscarriage. My mind of course wanted to focus there. So I turned the computer off. I practiced yoga, breathed into my body that I could feel was beginning to change, but was really still my own when it came to my practice. I called my Mom. She told me not to worry. And here I am 7 weeks and a lot of the gastrointestinal stuff is gone and I just feel tired and have swollen boobs and wonder.... am I really pregnant?
Century after century women have been giving birth with no ultrasounds, no doctors, sometimes on their own, and sometimes in the most horrid conditions. I remind myself this as I wonder what the heck is going on in my body, as I remind myself to trust my body knows what to do. A friend who is an ultrasound tech said she'd give me one before my first prenatal visit (at 9 weeks) and I told her thanks, but no thanks. Some people were shocked. Why wouldn't I want to see? I read online of women buying their own ultrasound kits so they could do it themselves as insurance often pays for just one or two, or makes you wait till end of first trimester. This is crazy! Women have turned from a place of intuitively trusting their own bodies and the change of pregnancy, process of labor. They have changed to a state of fear, operating from that place.
I will acknowledge my fear of going to this first prenatal visit and being told there's no heartbeat, nothing there, and recognize this fear is not based in reality, of anything that is known. I will focus on what is known - 3 positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, no period for almost 2 months. I will acknowledge my fears of the process of labor, having a natural childbirth, will I be able to do it, and recognize this is the unknown and like anything that is unknown I approach it with intention and presence. I will acknowledge my fear of being a bad mother and hold steadfast to my belief that YES LOVE IS ENOUGH.
When you acknowledge fear, you can set it free. You understand it is not based in reality, in what is known, when you examine it closely. Your recognize it's your trust and faith that have got you this far, not your fear. It is enough, it will carry you through.
The first week I found out I was pregnant I was elated, excited and thrilled, and thought my boyfriend to have the same reaction especially since this was a planned pregnancy. He was excited, but was more quiet, thinking. The pregnancy hormones kicked in and I had my first pregnancy meltdown - does he want this baby? Will he be here for me? Waaa, waaa, waaaa. Where was my faith and trust? How quickly it left as our world began to change.
So I began to journal again. I began to share my news with those I loved. My boyfriend began to share his news too. We talked. We agreed to take it a little bit at a time and not think of everything that needs to be done at once.
And then begin my symptoms. Week 5 and 6 I had no morning sickness, but my small boobs became increasingly swollen and tender. And still are, LOL. I was so gassy and bloated, and was cramping, but no blood thankfully. My faith began to lose hold again as I read online (you can GOOGLE anything!) about my symptoms. Some women said all of this is normal, as did some of the expert sights, but then of course you read the cases were this lead to miscarriage. My mind of course wanted to focus there. So I turned the computer off. I practiced yoga, breathed into my body that I could feel was beginning to change, but was really still my own when it came to my practice. I called my Mom. She told me not to worry. And here I am 7 weeks and a lot of the gastrointestinal stuff is gone and I just feel tired and have swollen boobs and wonder.... am I really pregnant?
Century after century women have been giving birth with no ultrasounds, no doctors, sometimes on their own, and sometimes in the most horrid conditions. I remind myself this as I wonder what the heck is going on in my body, as I remind myself to trust my body knows what to do. A friend who is an ultrasound tech said she'd give me one before my first prenatal visit (at 9 weeks) and I told her thanks, but no thanks. Some people were shocked. Why wouldn't I want to see? I read online of women buying their own ultrasound kits so they could do it themselves as insurance often pays for just one or two, or makes you wait till end of first trimester. This is crazy! Women have turned from a place of intuitively trusting their own bodies and the change of pregnancy, process of labor. They have changed to a state of fear, operating from that place.
I will acknowledge my fear of going to this first prenatal visit and being told there's no heartbeat, nothing there, and recognize this fear is not based in reality, of anything that is known. I will focus on what is known - 3 positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, no period for almost 2 months. I will acknowledge my fears of the process of labor, having a natural childbirth, will I be able to do it, and recognize this is the unknown and like anything that is unknown I approach it with intention and presence. I will acknowledge my fear of being a bad mother and hold steadfast to my belief that YES LOVE IS ENOUGH.
When you acknowledge fear, you can set it free. You understand it is not based in reality, in what is known, when you examine it closely. Your recognize it's your trust and faith that have got you this far, not your fear. It is enough, it will carry you through.
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