Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Recognizing my mind, choosing my words

I have been trying to start a regular meditation practice this year. So far it has mainly been a class or two a week at South Boston Yoga where I sit for 30 to 45 min and on a good day actually feel myself slipping in so to speak to basically nothing - and nothing feels real spacious! Often though it's watching my mind and seeing how it gets pulled in one direction so easily and then I'm on a downward spiral. Thinking about what I want for breakfast, and that leading to the pancakes I had at my favorite diner, and then how that diner has a restaurant that serves dinner and how I should really try that sometime, and so on and so on. Exhausting! I believe that being aware of all the doings of my mind is a good first step. I also admit it's kinda fun to indulge my mind when I feel like it and day dream, fantasize, go off on these tangents. All of that though leads to suffering because attachment develops and a fantasy is just that - a fantasy. It has nothing to do with reality, what's happening right now. I've noticed that I like to fantasize, I like to day dream. This is something I've done since I was a kid. As a kid I was doing it mainly because the life I was in I wasn't too happy with. I had parents who at that time fought constantly. My house was not a fun place to be so I'd pour myself into books and go day dream of what my life would be like someday. I'm lucky enough now to be living a life I love. I get to practice and teach yoga, and surround myself with people who are loving and supportive. I have the relationship with my boyfriend I've always dreamed about but never thought I could have. My mind will tell me that my life is not enough some days, that I need more, or worse that it's going to fail. And what my mind comes up with a lot lately is that I am not connecting outside of my teaching and yoga community. I've been watching this pattern and what I notice is it happens when I am feeling fearful, when I am caught up in my story of how I think I should be, or what a relationship should look like. It doesn't happen when I am just in the moment enjoying whatever that may hold. My lack of connection in those moments when I am caught in my head comes from being disconnected myself, from anything that I already have. Isn't that crazy? Here I am feeling disconnected, talking about disconnection and it's all happening while I am not even involved in the present moment, just following a fear and story in my head. One of my biggest problems has always been when my mind is running rampant to want to blame someone else for it. To want someone else to say something, to do something to fix it. It doesn't work that way. I am learning to speak up in the moment if something is disagreeable in a non-confrontational way rather than shove it down, and let my mind have a field day with it until I blow. If I come home and Josh is playing video games and I want to unwind with him and do something else, say "hey babe, mind if I put on some music? It's been a long day. or hey babe, wanna watch some grey's?" instead of "have you been playing video games all day? why is it so loud?" etc etc I'm at a place where I am very aware of the patterns of my mind, and where it goes when I am afraid, insecure, etc I am still working on being able to choose my words in those moments, to speak with honesty, truth and from my heart. I think the more I can try to do this, the downward spiral won't happen so much, and those moments I am feeling disconnected, will go to being connected instantly when I honor my truth.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Intention high, Expectation Low

I taught an arm balance workshop this past Sunday and talked about the difference between intention and expectation before class. I think this is something that we confuse all the time, and it leads to a feeling of disappointment and sense of failure in our practice, and our lives. I thought this lesson was a good one to discuss before arm balancing because so many of us look at success in terms of getting the full posture - our crow, side crow, scissors, flying pigeon, etc We do not look at the important steps required to get into the full posture and feel a sense of accomplishment at working with those steps. I believe this is also how many of us approach our lives. We are hard on ourselves and others to do a certain thing, or attain something in our work lives or relationships. We become disappointed when we do not complete the task or the other person does not, and we feel like a failure or call them a failure. This is because with expectation comes attachment. When we expect something of ourselves or others, we are attached to an outcome. It is an outcome we've already planned out in our minds. This outcome is something that is in our minds, devoid of the present situation we are in, our present state. We leave no room for possibility. For example, you expect the man or woman of your dreams to be this height, have this job, like these things, etc etc You create what is truly a fantasy in your mind and then when the person walks in who is loving you for you, you can't see them because you're caught up with your imaginary person. And then possibility, a moment, is lost. Pretty sad, huh? So here is how intention works. With intention, we do not have an attachment to a desired outcome or result. We are open to possibility, to what form our intention may take. It means connecting to what you desire or want, and then letting it go. It involves trusting that the universe will bring to you what is for your highest good without you having to search hell and high water to find it, to create it. It takes the control out of our hands and allows us to simply be. We don't like this feeling because it causes us to wonder what our purpose is if we are not controlling and creating in our minds exactly how we want things to be. Imagine how much more space for creativity, for expression for POSSIBILITY would exist if you were not holding on so tight to expectation and attachment! Your life would be filled with freedom, with excitement, with joy. Intend the kind of person you want to be, intend the work you want to do, the relationships you want to have - let it come from your heart and not any preconceived notions of who you think you should be or who someone else tells you you should be. Let YOU define YOU. That is what intention is all about, and which expectation has no business being a part of.